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To choose the "safe guy" or the "risky guy"
Hi!
So, just a little background; I'm a 21 year old female and the 2 guys in this situation I am talking about are also 21. One day my good friend J decided to set me up with his room mate that was new to town and he thought we would be good for each other. So we ended up going on a double date and the guy (We'll call him X) seemed nice but very shy. We exchanged numbers at the end of the date and he texted me the next day... but the texting felt very dry and very non-talkative. But either way I agreed to meet up with him for coffee a couple days later.
In between those days that we made plans I went to a party and met this other guy (let's call him Z) and he was sitting alone on a couch so I went over and introduced myself and we really hit it off and had fun talking. So he got my number at the end of the night.
A couple days after this I went for coffee with X and the conversation never died. We talked about normal first date things; work, school, and family. At the end of our coffee date he hugged me and asked if he could see me again. we made plans for a couple days after that to go to a movie. In between this time I had Z on the back burner because I met him at a party and was trying to focus on X. Me and X went to the movie and it was very nice but he didn't make physical contact with me the whole time, no touch of the hand, no hug or no kiss which I thought was odd on a first date (maybe he's just shy?).
That weekend Z was very persistant with texting me and asked me to come out with some friends and meet him at a bar after his hockey game. One of my good friends is seeing his hockey team mate so its very easy to convince them to go. We went and I wasn't really sure what to expect.. maybe a hello and a have a goodnight? No he was with me the whole night and kept giving me forehead kisses and introducing me as "his girl" to his friends on the team and we had great conversation that night as well. It was the next day that I realized I could not ignore my feelings for Z like I had been: it's obvious we had an attraction.
So I was texting and talking to both of them, and Z invited me over last night after I had finished my homework for the night to watch a movie. He made it clear that he was not inviting me over just to hook up with me but he also said that if, at the end of the night it was really late, I could stay over at his house. I went over and watched a movie and just cuddled and then after we madeout a little bit and he offered to go cuddle in bed for a bit but I told him I should go home and he said okay but I should come over soon.
I saw my friend J again ( the one that set me up with X) and he said that his roommate, X, was very shy and he really likes me.
So now I am faced with a problem.
On one hand I have X: Who is nice, respectful but very shy. J has told me that X really like me and he wants a to commit to someone and get into a relationship. He had a job in the trades and is living on his own. He seems like the "safe guy". Someone who will really like me and everything will just be easy.
On the other hand there is Z: He is still going to school and not sure what he is going to do in the future in regards to a career. He has played very competitive hockey and hockey boys have that "player" stereotype to just hook up with girls and leave. I'm really not sure what to think because he did ask me to hang out so late, but he didnt try to do anything with me...but he did invite me to cuddle in bed. He is oviously the "risky" choice.
I'm not sure what one to pursue? Or to keep seeing both casually without commitment and learn more about them? I know that Z is the riskier choice but everything seems easier and that it flows better than with X; someone who seems shy and I sometimes don't know what to say around him.
Thank you for your help, and thank you for reading this loooooong situation :)
Kaaitlyn
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I'll add a few things to what adviceman said. I agree with him, X is the better choice. I understand wanting some of the thrill and excitement with a guy but if he is just shy, that is something a person can overcome. I used to be shy or todays its called social anxiety. However I wasn't shy with those I've known a long time or friends who befriended me first. So many of the quieter guys get overlooked by women cus they don't see anything but the stable part of the guy, and can't see ahead to how loving and devoted a partner he'll be. My own 2nd husband showed me by his attention to me that he was interested, but without saying he was waiting for me to make the first move, he waited. So I had to give the first kiss and initiate sex. Once he knew I was ready, comfortable with it and wanted him, then he transformed into a lover with a voracious appetite and is always looking for little things to do to please me, serve me, treat me to special words and gifts or deeds. So I would say, give him a try, and make your move. After you've initiated everything, if he doesnt warm up or he does and you discover you both have nothing in common, then you can always end it and look elsewhere.
Learn to trust your instincts which seem to be strong from what you wrote. Womens intuition is often right. From what you wrote only, perhaps Z would make a good friend with benefits type deal but you don't really know in the end how good a husband, a provider or father he would make. And true, we don't always know the future potential of a person still in their early twenties. However, as you mentioned, X is already showing potential and stability in a job and having his own place. While Z might get there some day, let me tell you as a mom of 3 kids and an ex who had very little potential, its hardwork to live on practically nothing, buy only 2nd hand for the kids, fight over money, use mostly food banks and always be in the mode of catching up on bills, me having to pinch pennies and still get harassed for what little I spend on basic needs for the kids while he wastes 250. a month on Starbucks and another 100. a month on books he'd bought. Thats only a small slice of what I had to live with. But like your Z guy, he was the more outgoing and seemed more fun and wise in ways of the world, and made the sexual moves on me first.
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Kaaitlyn only you can make the e final choice her, we can only make suggestions. Boyfriend X is the one who will commit to a long term relationship. A relationship that will be built by the two of you that will be a custom fit. In other words you will be able to mold him somewhat to fit what you want in a man to meet your basic needs as a wife and a woman.
I was shy and somewhat retiring when I first met my wife of now almost 45 years. Of course I had recently returned from 2 years in Southeast Asia where the few round eyed women I saw were Officers and totally off limits. I think it was love at first sight for both of us but she had to take the lead to bring me out of my shell for I was unsure of myself around women at home in general.
If boyfriend X is someone who is the type of boy you would like to marry. Then think about taking the lead and bring him out of his shell. This includes taking the lead in physical intimacy if this is what you want from him. Trust me if this is what you want from him he will give you that and more once you pry him from his shell and he knows this is what you desire of him.
With boyfriend Z being risky is part of his nature and it will be part of him for life and not just in his recreational endeavors. People who take risks in one part of their lives generally take risks with other parts of their lives as well including financially. Call it the thrill of the chase.
You said it yourself he has that "player" stereotype to just hook up with girls and leave." He is still in college with no idea of what his future will be. If you are looking for a long term relationship with the possibility of marriage boyfriend Z is not the best candidate. If your looking for fun, excitement and casual sex then boyfriend Z is the one to date.
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