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Friend is always with boyfriend?
So my friend got a boyfriend about almost a year ago and he's her first boyfriend. I've never had a boyfriend but I've had friends who've had boyfriends in the past and they've never acted like she does, I know all people are different but she's over the top. So last year before she got her boyfriend we used to hangout outside of school, went to the amusement park, movies etc. Then when he came along we all did the same things just with him there, as their relationship began to become longer they would basically be joined at the hip with each other, and don't even bother to invite anyone else out with them anymore. Last summer she basically blew me off the whole time to hangout with him, no exaggeration he was at her house everyday, his family and her family even went to her family cottage and stayed out for a good week. Then when I asked her to have a girls night she "completely forgot" and cancelled the next day she hung out with her boyfriend. In the summer time she would only call me if her boyfriend and her were in a fight, or if she just wanted to talk about him. I finally had enough with the way she was treating me so instead of calling her out I told her that I won't be replying to her phone because I was going on vacation. Two days later she went to the movies with our other friend without her boyfriend and when I texted her "thanks for the invite" she said "didn't you say you were on vacation" I got so pissed off because the whole summer I tried to hangout with her, I always picked her phone calls when she would cry about her boyfriend, I always listened to her when she wanted to talk about him and to simply hangout she's "busy" but I didn't get mad at her for going to the movies because the friend she went with, she kind of ditched her party so she was making it up to her by going to the movies with her. So now school comes back and she hangs out with me at lunch and guess what? All she talks about to me is her boyfriend, when I try to change the subject she brings it back to her boyfriend, sometimes when I'm not there I catch her at lunch waiting by her boyfriends classroom for his class to finish. i know they're a couple but I honestly think they need some space away from each other and I don't even wanna talk about how he treats her but let's just say she cries at least twice every two weeks. Also now that's its October the amusement park has this Halloween thing so she texted me the whole month of September saying we were going to go and the beginning of October so I was all set cause we went last year, so I texted her today to confirm when we were going and you know what she said "I went yesterday with my boyfriend". So now I'm done trying cause she obviously doesn't care or she's too blinded by love to see she's pushing away from her friends. What can I do to make her see that she has prioritize between her boyfriend and friends? My other friends could do it why can't she? before you say "try becoming friends with her boyfriend you might like him" I'm already friends with him and he doesn't seem as clingy as she is to him, when I talk to him he never brings her up but when I talk to her he's brought up under 10 seconds.
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Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
Dear Friend,
You're absolutely right, it hurts to be ignored and rejected, She shouldn't do this. I hope that you're being gracious and that it hasn't caused bitter feelings.
As there isn't anything that you can do to make a positive change, you should forgive, forget and move toward the background. These situations can change at any time so, be ready for possible overtures from her.
See if you can fill the void your friend left with an expanded horizon of different people and activities...Grandfather.
P.S. please let me know of any developments.
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Have you tried telling her how you feel? There are right and wrong ways to bring up issues. The wrong way is to say "You make me feel, you leave me out, you ignore me now..." even if it is true. Whether a person is in the right or the wrong, they are way more likely to stay open to hearing what you have to say if you don't point blame. Think about it, how quickly to you feel defensive the moment someone starts a sentence with you did this , you did that. So instead, its a simple twist to make your grievances personal starting with 'I'. I feel ignored and I feel left out. She may be immature and still react but most people would be more likely to listen. If she isn't willing to listen, gets angry with you or blows it off, then my next suggestion would be if you are friends with him, your 2nd choice is to talk to him in private when shes not around and that may be hard. Perhaps a time you know she is at a Dr. appt or has to be somewhere that he wouldnt go to...(dont go to him first, that creates more trouble with her) You say he doesnt seem to be as unhealthily obsessed with making her his life and having no life outside of her as she is doing with him. If he'll listen, you can only let him know how you feel and see if he is willing to at some point just talk to her and ask if she ever does things with any of her girlfriends anymore. You know, casual like, without mentioning that you have talked to him. He could if willing mention that they do spend a lot of time together and that doesnt leave much time for friends. If he still finds time for his own friends and family without her around, then its all the better if he were to encourage her to plan a night with her girlfriends and he could plan a night with the guys.
Neither you nor he can really do anything to change her. One can lead a horse to water but you cant force it to drink is a popular saying. Shes the horse, it can be brought to her attention what she is doing, but unless she really wants to change, she is not going to.
I dont know many males who can stand being smothered by a female for so long and not have any 'cave time', or man time with his buds or just alone time. It is unhealthy when a person makes their partner their life and lives for them and chooses to have no life outside of that. She may be a friend but theres only so much you can do, and yes it hurts to be used and otherwise ignored. Hopefully, you do have a life, unlike her and have other things to get busy with so you aren't just sitting around waiting for her to notice you and want your company as a real friend, not just a listening ear.
As to why she might be acting like this...its possible that deep down inside, she has a very low self esteem, and even if she had great parents growing up, she didnt get the kind of self esteem boosters that she needed from them and especially her Dad. That is often a reason for young women to pour their entire life into the first guy who will pay them attention. It's like a bandaid solution to her lack of self confidence and esteem and since she's hungry for that, the easiest place in her mind subconsciously to get it is with a guy. (because its subconscious, shes probably not aware consciously that she does this or that she is taking actions to fix what is lacking in her). Unfortunately, its a bandaid solution as I said. If he ever tires of her,and leaves her, she will be more devastated than the usual person because she made him her only purpose in life, he in fact became her crutch. This happens with married women too who have no life of their own other than their family...husband and kids, so when the kids leave the nest, or lose husband to death, they become controlling, trying to hold onto the kids, not wanting them to go, and meddle in their lives and talk to and visit way too much. This is a great possibility, but you are not a mental health professional counselor to help her, and she is not asking for help nor recognizing she has a problem. This is something individuals need to realize for themselves and come to a point where they are sick and tired of being this way and want to change. Only then can they be helped.
So just be honest with her next time she comes running to you, let her know you care about her and still want to be her friend but until you feel you are being treated like a friend in return, you are not going to make time for her. Right now thats what you are doing, taking any little tidbits she gives you even if its to use you.
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