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Boyfriend doesn't want to have sex as often, worried he's cheating
22/f, 28/m
Lately, my boyfriend hasn't been wanting to have sex as often. He isn't as "touchy-feely" as he usually is. I told him that I needed some space, so he gave me some and realized that he enjoyed the space. He said it's because he could do the chores and errands that he needs to do, write his research paper, walk his dog in the morning, etc. He liked being productive because of the space that he was giving me. The tricky part, though... Is that he doesn't want to have sex as often.
I told him that I felt as if he doesn't want to have sex with me very often. And he told me that he loves sex, and likes having sex, it's just that he doesn't want to make it his priority everyday. He said that he made that mistake before and that sex just tends to get in the way of his chores, errands, or whatever that he needs to do. For example, if he and I had sex, he would be too lazy to do the laundry, etc. Which I have seen that before. I remember whenever he wanted to have sex before going out to eat or before going to the movies, he gets tired and wants to take a nap instead.
But the thing is, the fact that he's not asking for it or acting as if he wants it (but he says that he wants it), makes me anxious and paranoid that he might be cheating on me and he's getting some on the side.
I started having dreams about him cheating on me. And he keeps telling me that he's being my version of "perfect," that he's not, and that he's not doing anything wrong and that he's just getting stuff done. But it doesn't help the paranoia that I have. What makes me struggle the most is that he's going to be gone for a week and a half this weekend for an isolated training at work, and then he's visiting his family for two days after.
I'm just having a hard time trusting him (due to our past). What should I do? What can I do? How can I relieve this paranoia/anxiety?
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Should I assume from your writing that you two still do have as sex life and that you just do not have sex as often as you would like to.
Part of the problem is the six year age difference and not the fact that he is cheating on you. At 22 you are in the prime age for an active sex life wanting sex probably daily if not multiple times a day. For him at 28 he is past the age where sex is primary for him. It is not so much that he has lost his sex drive just that it has moderated to where he can now focus those energies in other areas and sex two or three times a week is just as satisfying to him as it was when he was having sex daily or multiple times a day.
His telling you that by giving you "the space you wanted" to me is not a signal he is cheating. The fact that he wanted a nap after sex is normal for his age and redirecting sexual energy after being in a committed relationship for a period of time is also normal.
My suggestion is that the two of you sit down and discuss your relationship. Having mismatched sex drives is not all that strange. The problem comes in is if you can live together in harmony with this situation until once again your sex drives are in harmony which will happen.
Now I throw this out because it is scientific fact. According to a survey 85% of us masturbate. This includes singles, married couples and people in committed relationships. If everything else in your relationship with your boyfriend is good and the relationship is headed in a direction you would like it to go. Then would you consider masturbating to relive the excess sexual energy you have.
I would be extremely surprised if you found out he was cheating on you. And I think it would be wrong to break up a relationship that in all other ways is working but for a temporary mismatch in sex drives. Rather than you go and cheat on him; masturbation is a reasonable solution to your situation between times that you and he have sex.
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I wonder as to the length of time you'd been together where sex was fine before you asked for some space. If its been months or years and he has changed all of a sudden, it is likely that he no longer is interested in you. Whether he is cheating on you, it may be possible but can't be proven by what you've told me.
If you've been together a short time, two things are entirely possible:
1. He was experiencing NRE New relationship energy which easily mimics having desire and attraction to a person but it wears off after weeks or a couple months only to discover that there is no longer any real feelings for the person. It can be two way but more often only one is aware they don't have that same desire anymore.
2. He was never into you for the 'whole' you and more interested in getting sex and once he got it, there was no longer the challenge of the 'chase' which some men are addicted to, so once he had you, interest started to dwindle. He may have agreed to more than he should have by moving in with you and now won't say anything cus he doesnt want to hurt your feelings so he just endures life but wants nothing much to do with you, or perhaps he goes looking elsewhere for his sexual needs.
3. The sex the 2 of you had that you thought was really good but have little past experience to compare it to, was in actuality fairly poor match and pretty bad sex compared to what it could be with 2 two who are a perfect sexual match.(Hon, I added this reason because when I was 20, I thought the sex I had with my husband was great because I'd never had sex before but as time went on, the newness wore off. He never looked at me with desire in his eyes, he expected me to get him turned on somehow, he wanted to relieve pressure for him by having sex when it was convenient for him and would do nothing to make it memorable for me. I never had orgasms with him. He had a low libido and I had a high one yet he called me frigid because i did not inspire passion in him. When I wanted and asked for sex, he had nothing but excuses, I don't feel good or I am tired, or I have to get my sleep cus I have to go to work in the morning. If a guy is trying too hard to avoid you, you are with the wrong person as I finally learned but once I understood that, I had kids and was afraid I couldn't survive financially if I divorced so I stayed longer til the kids grew up. Then I started dating and found that practically any guy was way better than he was sexually. However I also wanted that someone I had the most chemistry with and an unexplainable energy surge we both felt when together, having sex or not, but more so with sex. And I did find that in the 2nd husband.
Don't make a mistake of giving up on someone who may love you but counseling can help you both, but at same time, don't stay with someone who truly isn't in love with you. He may like you or love some things about you and say the words I love you but not be in love with you. Thats what my ex confessed to a counselor, that he had never been in love with me. Just be certain of his feelings for you...and if not really existant, then leave. If you can't get enough info to be 10% sure and have these feelings of distrust and anxiety...those do not make a good relationship. It would be in your best interest to leave if you are miserable while with him. Or can you see yourself staying with him for years if nothing changes and improves? If not, why wait for any more time if you know you are not going to change your feelings of distrust or anxiety. Sometimes, we just have to go with our gut feeling and you have a lot of it right now.
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