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He doesnt want to be my dàd anymore!
26 female
My dad died when I was 12 but 2 years ago my cousins husband saw how upset I was about it and said I could call him dad if I wanted to. We use to be really close. I could tell him anything and he would be there for me. I could even tell him things I knew he wouldn't like but he would forgive me but things have changed just a few minutes ago he told me not to call him dad any more. I messed up bigtime. I lost my real dad 14my years ago monday and now I lost my new dad and this time it's my fault.
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I believe you name is Rachel and I have answered several of your questions. You are 26 or 27 years of age and may still be living with your cousin who was 45 when you wrote to us about living with her. You have written several times concerning a problem with you cousins husband and him being like a dad to you but you have not really told us what the problem is or what might have happened to cause a rift between you two.
Looking back through some of the things you have told us I know life for you has not all that easy. First your dad goes to jail then he passes away. Your mom marries and has an interracial marriage that turns the family against you. You turn to cousin and her husband for support and he becomes like a father to you.
I really can't say without more information why he doesn't want you calling him dad anymore; there could be many reasons. The one that jumps out at me is the fact that your 27, an adult now and he may feel you should not need a father figure any longer. I really can't say.
My suggestion is to do one of the following. Either right back to any or all of us in a private message and;
1) Tell us what happened, what "messed up big time,” so we may be able to offer some advice.
2) Talk to him; find out why he no longer wants you to call him dad. Without knowing why you are only guessing. It may not be because you messed up. It may be for reasons of his own. It may be for cumulative reasons of both you’re doing.
3) Once you know the why, hopefully he will tell you. Apologize if need be and explain to him why it is important to you to have a father figure in your life. Maybe you can reach a compromise where you call him dad in private just between you him and your cousin and at other times you call him by his given name. This is assuming of course that you calling him dad outside the house is part of the problem.
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I know you've written before and whatever info you wanted or recieved has obviously not changed or improved things for you. You needed a dad from age 12 to 18 as far as the years you were being raised.
You now state the cousins husband didn't offer to act as your 'Dad' until you were 24? He may have meant well, but I was under the impression you were not yet an adult female in this situation with a family relation offering to let you call him 'Dad'. Other than being allowed to call him Dad, see if you can list obvious ways in which he was fulfilling 'Dad' responsibilities for you, either knowingly or that it did something for you that he wasn't aware of. If it all boils down to being able to call him Dad, then if he no longer wishes that, the thing to do is respect his wishes. that however doesnt fix what you are feeling inside.
I will wager that even though it was death and not Dads choice to leave you and the family, that you are still feeling the feelings of abandonment. You may not even realize that this is what is going on but you feel robbed of certain things you felt you should have had growing up. one thing in particular comes to mind that you may not be aware of but teen girls going through puberty and thru their teen years, need a male father symbol around for a valid reason. Its a time when young girls are startin to become young women and need the verbal approval and support of the male of the family, their Dad. Their self esteem as a female is much in need of male approval at this time and the safest place to get it is from Dad. Though the daughter is changing sexually, it is not sexual approval she requires. Its more her emotional needs, and needing to know from a males perspective that she is indeed growing up to become a beautiful young lady. I remember doing this with my Dad. I wanted to spend more time around him chatting, I needed lots of hugs from him and I really valued his opinion when boys confused me and he could share from the male perspective and when I had new outfits or haircut or something, I didn't just want to know how my mom or friends liked it, I wanted to know what my Dad thought of it. If he siad something like, "Wow, I'm going to have to beat away the guys that come flocking to our door to see you cus you're so pretty." That might sound silly to you but it is in fact a real and true emotional need in a girl.
What happens to girls who don't get that cus their Dad was a mean drunk or abusive to the whole family, or he was in jail, he died, or he totally left mom and the kids taking off one day never to return? Those girls miss getting this emotional need taken care of so they will subconsciously take actions that they feel will bring them this needed male approval and self esteem building and look for it in relationships with teen boys. However all they get is immature boys who will say whatever they have to, to get sex and false compliment plus sex is all she gets and had her need still unmet.
In cases like this, you are more likely to go looking for Dad material in whom you marry, or anyone you can find that you want to have treat you like that teen daughter. However, you are now an adult woman and that changes the situation.
You can not go back and recapture what you didnt get as a teen girl. that is long past and the only way to deal with your feelings or even to discover what kinds of feelings of lack you have regarding not having a dad is to see a psychologist. I truly mean that. Not that you are crazy or mental. All humans get stuck emotionally and need help from an expert. I would thou caution to not choose any old Dr. but one who deals in Cognitive behavioral therapy or CBT which more or less works with your thought processes and beliefs that may be holding you back. You can really be able to process this and continue your life without a Dad figure and still have a rewarding life. I can't say why the man is refusing now but he must have valid reasons too.
One thing that could possibly scare him and make him want to create some kind of healthy distance between you and him is that on a subconscious level he is picking up the vibes of your needs, of what you didnt get as a teen girl and he senses (correctly) that he is not the one who should be trying to fill that job for you. Or perhaps, since you are an adult female and no matter that he is family and married to a cousin, he is still a healthy normal male with the same kinds of senses and reactions as any other male would have to females. He may be commited to his wife and never stray or cheat on her but something about you might awake too many of those more sexual responses in his body, even though his heart and mind are not willing and dont want to but he truly sees that he cannot fill the role of Dad if he doesnt see you as a daughter, no matter how hard he tried, and only sees you as a red blooded female. He may not find it easy to pretend to just spend innocent time together with you and to keep peace with the wife, would not dare admit to her or you where his mind wanders or how hi
No matter what his reasons are for not wanting to continue on pretending to be your Dad, a substitute Dad is not what you need at your age and anyone who tries to fill that role until you are healed of any psychological hurts you carry deep down, will only be helping you to remain stuck, enabling you to remain in a place where you are not healed of hurts you carry deep down inside that you may not be aware of.
So again, I highly suggest you see a CBT psychologist as these people work to help you find healing immediately with this method and if a person is very willing and trusting of their Dr. can achieve that after a few visits and not need to go for years or get on meds which doesnt help as well. I am sorry for the loss of your dad dear, but if you truly want change your requirements for needing a dad to fulfill something missing inside you, its the only way to go and cousins husband can't help you with that, it is beyond his scope of influence to help you with.
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