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Old fashioned, over protective father
I'm 19 going on 20 in 4 months time my boyfriend is 27 my mom has met him once and we live in different cities we would like to get married but I have a over protective/alcoholic crazy father what do I do to get him to accept it ?
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I married a month before turning 20 and I regret that marriage now. I thought being mature was all I needed. But I was naive and lacked life experience to really make a good decision and I didnt stop to gather advice and different perspectives from others when the time came to make a decision. I was not doing this to get out of the family home and I do wish I had lived with the man first before marrying as its a pretty much fool proof way to discover more important things about a person before marrying them cus we can't hide things from someone we're around 24/7. So I agree with the live together for a while.
I don't think your dad would go for that either though. When under the influence of anything, alcohol or drugs for example our thinking and reasoning and decision making abilities are affected so Dad may not be able to make any suggestions that make sense or are helpful. Even if he wasn't alcoholic, I hear from quite a few young ladies whose parents or a parent is forbidding them to date even no less get married. A parent will always be a parent and it will be hard to fight the urge to conltinue to want to look after the care of your child and not worry for them. We want the best for you and we know how harsh this world can be. Yet realistically, we can't protect you from everything and once you turn 18, as a parent our role must change from one who parents, sets your guidelines and rules to follow and are protective, to parents who allow you to make your own decisions and do not tell you what to do any longer, only offer advice and act as a sounding board if asked to by our child. Some parents have great trouble making this switch in roles and some never get it. So even without a parent who may be alcoholic or even crazy as in mental problems, the fact is, you are an adult and no longer bound to do as he wishes. It would be nice to have his blessings and approvals in everything you do in your life from this point forward but thats not realistic and doesnt always happen in the real world. I have 3 daughters in their 20's and I cringe at some of their decisions but they haven't asked for my advice so I dont give it, but I sure as heck do pray for them a lot. :)
There is nothing you can really do to make another person change in any way, their habits, their viewpoints, we can be a good example and hope the other has a desire to change for the better every day and let old programiing they lived by drop away, but its like that saying, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink. Same with Dad. So bottom line is, he might never like the idea of you having a relationship with a man, dating, being sexually active, living together or marrying, its hard for any parent and even harder for a Dad. Its rare that both parents have always been able to talk about anything sexual with their kids and kids confiding in them about such things without the parents freaking out or uncomfortable. I am different that way and my 2nd husband is too so our kids are pretty well adjusted and for the most part do make good decisions, or at least, no worse than I did at the same age. Just pray for him and make decisions for your own life without giving the control of it over to him. You are giving him the control is you choose to stay at home and only date if he approves, and not live with or marry anyone. If he decides he doesnt want you to, you don't, waiting until he changesd his mind.
What if he never does?
Imagince being beyond child bearing years before Dad is dead and gone and now you can finally live your life at age 50 and get married for the first time. Don't rush into anything but don't stick around waiting for him to change his mind either.
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Fathers in general believe that their daughters will always be there little girl even when they are all grown up and have families of their own. Having an overprotective father who happens to be an alcoholic adds another dimension to the situation.
Before we go into that I would be remiss if I didn't ask these questions. I would be hypocritical if I said knowing some for such a short time is rushing things. My wife and I only knew each other a couple of months longer and we married before the first year was up. That was 45 years ago this past July.
I recommend that if he asks you to marry you accept but that you live together for a few years. I have a feeling marriage for you is an escape from an overprotective father. My sister married for this reason and her marriage ended in divorce after 2 children and 8 years. I would rather you are not hurt this way.
Think about what I have written and make the best choice for you.
What I question is having such an overprotective father:
1: Could you be rushing to the altar to get away from him?
The 7 year difference in your age is not all that big a deal:
2: One must ask given how young you are is this man a first love?
These are two very important questions that I urge you to think about before you jump into a marriage. You are young and as I will point out below there are other ways to handle an alcoholic over protective father.
The first thing I would like you to do is to go to the following website:
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
This is the locator page for meeting places for the support groups Al-Anon and Alateen. These groups help people like you and your mom deal with someone who is an alcoholic or addicted to other substances. These are support groups for the families just as AA is a support group for the addicted. These people between them have probably dealt with just about all there is to deal with. Through them you can learn to deal with an addictive overprotective father for part of his problem is the addiction. As someone still in her teens you can chose between Al-Anon or Alateen meetings.
Another alternative to marriage which your father cannot stop you from doing as you are an adult now and legally have free will. Is to move in with your boyfriend and live together for a few years before you marry. Even back 45 years ago living together was starting to be the thing to do before marriage. Today it is an accepted practice.
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Well hold on just a minute here, lets slow down and talk about this first.....
Have you been together for a while?? is there anyway you could just get engaged right now but not jump straight into marriage??
I mean you really dont know someone until youve lived with them, helped pay bills, the cooking the cleaning, i mean play house first before you just jump into something like that. Marriage is a serious life time commitment and although my husband and i met when i was just 14 and he was 21 at the time, we still took the time to LIVE together for SEVERAL years before saying "ok i think we're really ready for this"
Marriage isnt going to solidify anything that isnt already there. Two people that are getting married are just making it official and already know that they are a great match. as they say "test drive the car before you buy it" get me?
When you get married you become a team, can you ask yourself if your a team in every aspect of your relationship?? do you talk out major decisions before you make them first?
I dont want to discourage you at all but im trying to get you to ask yourself these things so that i dont have to. You also didnt include anything about how long youve been together so without that it makes it hard for me to give you advice on what a parent would think about your plan, or why hes objecting because there could be a thousand reasons OTHER than him being "old fashion"
Does he think your too young?
does he simply not like the age difference?
Is he against this because you havent even lived together first?
Does he want you to finish school first or something?? your really giving us very little to work with here....
So i cant give you any kind of definitive way to approach him in the right manner without more info.
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