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I have so much trouble combining my worlds. I'm really into school and serious about myself and my work, but I also have been getting into guys lately and I really want to start having sex. Btw I'm not in high school, I'm 23 and my body really feels like it's about time! I'm not hoping for a relationship because when I think of guys in that way I just get disappointed. I'm pretty nerdy and as I've been told, extremely intelligent and I don't click on a personal level with most guys and always feel like I have to make myself cooler and dumber to get on their wavelength. But those same guys I find myself intensely attracted to. I'm not sure if all of this makes me really insecure or overly confident. I just really want to get in touch with my sexuality without losing my own personal edge. Dating should not be so much work and over-thinking right? For most human beings dating/love/sex is as mindless and primal as eating. Most people find their first boyfriends at a much younger age than I am right now. Why is this so difficult and quite frankly unenjoyable for me? Why do I feel like I have to put on such a facade when I talk to a guy? It's really not fun!
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
You are one of the rare women who knows who she is and what she wants from life. You're intelligent and learned not willing to compromise your principles just to get yourself a mate. I would never recommend you do so for you would be miserable if you did so.
On the opposite side of this question my stock answer is that at some point you wake up and have to actually talk to the person your sleeping with. While the sex may be great it is never enough to sustain a relationship. I believe you already know this.
There are men out there with you intellect and education. These men are not found in the typical manner women go hunting for men. if all your looking for is great sex then you make the rounds of the bar scene until you find an attractive male and yes you may have to dumb yourself down to be attractive to him, to feed his ego.
If your looking for a life partner, someone you can have a relationship with, one that will build into a loving sexual relationship. Then I suggest you look into some of the dating sites like Match.com. If you are religions most of the religions also have dating sites geared to people of your religion.
What is nice about these sites is you can custom tailor the men you wish to meet. Everything from the color of their hair and eyes to their education. I know several people who have used these sites and found people they have married. Some on the first try.
In Back in the day as we older folks tend to refer to our younger days, I met my wife the old fashion way. We met at work. We got to know each other , we had sex and we married. That was 44 years ago this past July. Today it seems people have sex, get married and find out later they are not compatible in any other way and divorce.
If you can trust the statistics the put out people who meet and marry through these sites stay together more than people who meet and marry the old fashion way.
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We live in an age where a woman having this attitude towards relationships is by no means shocking or less than respectable, as it would have been in the past. While a pretty solid, desirable guy might perhaps (secretly, or more publicly) like the idea of being a "No committment, love 'em and leave 'em", if they're confronted by a woman who projects it back ("No strings, love me and leave me!" then a lot of them are frankly going to be well out of their comfort zone. Long established behaviour patterns cannot be easily overturned. Since in evolutionary terms a male is capable of fathering many offspring with different females, yet the female can only be fertilised once, followed by a long term of pregnancy. We aren't animals of course, but the monogamous female/polygamous male set up is deeply wired. Which is almost certainly why guys have been traditionally considered a 'stud' (complimentary, affirming virility) yet the same behaviour in females brands them a 'slut' (derogatory, condemnational). So we're looking at a dilemna then? Since the guys you are drawn to seem reluctant, or at best need you to 'dumb down' and subjugate yourself to be acceptable, the ones who are willing to go along with it in all conscience will tend to fall into one of two groups. Firstly, balatant womanisers (bit of a quaint and old fashioned term, but you know what I mean). Second group, emotionally immature, socially dysfuntional (or both!). I can appreciate that neither might present a tempting prospect to an intelligent and sefl-assured woman. Since I'd say that is a pretty fair description of you (based on what you have written) then I should take out the 'insecurity' angle. Beacuse I imagine you do not need either the reassurance of a relationship, or gratification of feeling sexually desirable to validate yourself? I'm not entirely convinced that your description of love and sex as a mindless and primal act, or even purely a purely recreational one, is totally valid however. Not in the context of society as it stands anyway. I think that in the longer term, the constructs and conventions of society have exerted a pull opposite to the primal/primeval and purely reproductive nature of sex. And a high proportion of guys and women are looking for a stable, committed, monogamous relationship. With at least some feeling of connection. Analogies of birds building a nest, the young leaving it and then abandon the nest are platitudes really, I agree Considering the human 'chicks' won't fledge for 18 years, and the nest-ownership might well be subject to a 20 year mortgage. I can see your point. It's easy to see our conventions and attitudes as a facade, even just a very thin veneer. But what's hidden behind that facade is possibly too primal, and certainly too hedonistic for the tastes and comfort of many people. Hope there might be something of help in here?
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You are assuming that most gals find their first real boyfriend at a younger age. At a younger age, most haven't a clue how to have a relationship and never really go on any real dates, just ask each other to be bf/gf and hold hands and sneak kisses at school which is the only place they ever see each other. THAT...is not a relationship and does not constitute much of any kind of experience either. You are at the perfect age to start dating and having your sexual experiences. Since you are sure you want to go this way, I would first make sure to get on a contraceptive first so that you don't end up finding the right guy first and then having to wait for the contraceptive, like the pill to build up in your system first before having sex. I for one never dated in HS as the guys were all too immature for me. I married at 20 and thats my 1st time having sex. I should have had the sex first before deciding to marry. That way with experience from several guys you end up dating and having sex with, you will learn more about your sexuality, whether you have a high or low libido and what exact things you like and are drawm to in sex. You'll want to find someone much like you in that area if ever planning to stay together long term.
Okay, now as to changing what you act like or how you come across, I would advise not to. The drawback is that when a person (like myself) changes who they are to get the attention or gain the love of a particular someone, it backfires in that the other likes the pretend you and once they begin to see the real you peeking through, they realize they aren't really attracted to the real you and break it off. Or the stress of being someone you are not gets to you, makes you feel unhappy, resentful of the other, etc...
The best thing would be to find a guy who is attracted to you for just who you are, without having to change for him to get their attention.
When people reach 25 or so, thats the point at which our brains are finnally done growing, especially the part able to make good decisions and ability to choose the right people to be in their lives. And guys really do begin from this point on to develop their own preferences in a female if they didnt already have it earlier. Some guys actually do not prefer skinny girls. And others, it matters not what previous sexual experience there was, only that what he has with you is out of this world for him and you. Another thing that speak loudly subconsciously to a guy and has him attracted to an ordinary average looking girl over lets say a model type who is all ego, and drama queen, etc. is when you have self confidence. Maybe the younger guys seem more playful or have a bit of the bad boy image attached which some women find a turn on. But the ultimate would be to find a mature man who is your equal on an intellectual level so there's a meeting of minds and the ability to become each others best friend and he is not so serious that he can't role play in the bedroom, be playful and act a bit of the naughty and dangerous for you. Its more likely you will find that, in a guy a bit older than you rather than your age or a bit younger. Even a guy of 30 is only 7 yrs older and thats not bad at all and of course, he's likely to be more settled, know what he wants out of life and a woman and be more mature.
Since you are in school, the only guys you are running into unfortunately are all your age.
If you have any spare time to join a meet up group outside of school for something that is a hobby or a personal interest, you broaden your chances of meeting a guy. If all you want is the sex right now, rather than a bunch of one night stands with strangers, try finding someone you feel can be a friend of sorts just for while you're in school and have your friend with benefits deal.
Also, you mention the whole dating thing right now as unenjoyable. YOu may be alot like me and need someone with whom you first have a meeting of the minds...meaning that you think alot the same, have some of the same ideals or outlooks on life, that conversation flows instead of having to be prodded and dragging along. Once I find someone whose mind I enjoy, and I found them attractive looking to begin with, it isn't so hard to make the step to becoming sex partners because the mind is our greatest sex organ and if their mind works much like mine, I've found I enjoy the sex more with the person. The best of course, is the one whom you fall in love with and he with you. That takes sex to another level entirely. Good luck dear.
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