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committed but crushing
I am in a committed relationship (3yrs) and we have a 16 month old son together. I love him more than anything. We have a couple issues but are open and communicative about them. One is that he is a workaholic and his current job requires minimum of 12 hour days. The second issue is that he had a low sex drive where as mine is insatiable. Add that to the fact that he's never home and our love life is pretty much nonexistent.
I met a guy and he has become my best friend. He is an amazing person. I know that he is not someone I would likely end up with but I can't help but feel this insanely strong attraction to him. I don't want to cheat but I am finding myself wanting to spend all my time with him and I desire to be intimate with him. How do I deal with this feeling without losing a life long friend? Chances are it's just a crush and will fade but until then how do I prevent something from happening. My willpower is fading quickly.
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Your so not loyal
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I can understand the long work hours. When I met my 2nd husband, he was a delivery driver and required to work 12 hour days often but usually ten, except more on Holidays like Christmas and including Sat. mornings. In my case, he has a high libido and wanted to talk with me in the little time we had together in our first 2 yrs, til he got laid off. So it is possible to make things work even with little time, as long as it is quality time.
Like adviceman, I am guessing here because there isn't much to go on as to what the situation was like before the baby, or even what your partner was like around the time you met. I wonder if he was working those same hours back then. If so, either you ignored the fact he had little time for you back then, in which case that was a choice you made and a problematic one, or you were riding the uphoria of a new relationship, and mistook it to be mutual passion for each other and compatibility but instead it was the excitement energy of something new in your lives that mimics the real thing but wears off fairly quickly. When it wears off, most people won't believe it but stubbornly keep hanging in there on a relationship where neither have much in common or a few factors in play that kill relationships. I also understand having a high sex drive as a female with an ex who had a low one but plenty of time around me. A female's libido can sometimes fall asleep if there is no one at the time in her life, but she can still suffer from lack of intimacy otherwise such as his attention, quality time, good conversation. It takes 2 things to have a successful relationship: 1 being each others best friend and all that goes along with it 2 being sexually compatible and fulfilling each others needs.
You dont have just one as lots of relationships have, you have neither. So its no surprise that you yearn for both companionship and sex with this other guy. You can stop seeing him so theres no temptation but that will not make your needs go away. When a persons body needs food for sustenance, staying out of the kitchen or not going near restaurants is not going to take away your hunger now, is it? Same here. Your mind and heart has a valid need for friendship, company and companionship, your body has a need for sex and being loved. If you want to give your relationship every chance, the best thing you could do is sit him down and tell him that the hours he works plus not havinga the sex life you need is something you cant turn off the needs for so you're being drawn to seek out men for friendship and finding you desire them, just because of unmet needs. Masturbating can help a little with release but its not the same thing. And in the end is not a solution either. Even if he worked normal hours, ask yourself if you truly wouldn't have an issue with him. Just in case there's something you're unwilling to admit, like myself, unwilling to admit things never worked out in marriage even from the beginning, things only got worse to the point I eventually divorced after 30 years of terrible and seldom sex and other problems as well. I was with him for years before having kids so that wasnt the reason for staying. I just thought my love alone could make it work. Unfortunately it doesn't because I learned as I matured and grew as an adult, that it takes two people putting in equal effort into a relationship to make it work, otherwise its only a pretence of a relationship that in truth isn't working and sheer willpower will do nothing to mend it. I was with the wrong guy in first marriage and didn't see it til years later. Often that is the main problem in unhappy marriages, forcing it to work when the two never were a match at all. So besides all of what adviceman said which could apply, what I've written could apply too. So have an honest talk with him and see if he's willing to go for couple counseling...you dont have to be officially married to go. And perhaps that will clear up the issues for you both enough to know if this is something worth fighting for or if you are mismatched cus what you are doing is not crushing...not when it is unmet needs. Thats a whole different ballpark.
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Workaholic's in general do have a low sex drive. Sometimes it is because of fatigue and sometimes it is for other reasons. Not everyone is a workaholic by choice. sometimes it is thrust upon them by their employer and other times it is a cover up for something else.
You have had a child together so I can assume you have had some type of sex life together. Did he have a higher sex drive before you became pregnant? This is an important question. As is this one; Was this pregnancy planned by both of you or an accident?
If the answer to both questions is yes then there are two thoughts on this. He may be working hard to insure his family's well being. In so doing he may be unknowingly damaging his health. Try and get him to see his doctor for a physical and ask the doctor to test him for low T. If his Testosterone level is low so will his sex drive be.
If the answer is yes and no to the question then the problem is more complex and might require the intervention of a therapist. If this was an unplanned pregnancy then he may fear having intimate relations for fear of fathering another child. He may not even admit this to himself but in the back of his mind this is a real possibility.
Having fatherhood thrust upon him before he is ready can and will put a crimp in a man's' libido. He If this is the case and he is standing by you and the baby he is doing the right thing. By doing the right thing it is affecting his need and desire for intimacy and he covers it up by overworking. This is where a therapist, a clinical psychologist can be a big help to both of you.
As to you and the crush you have on this other man. The best way I know to stop something from happening between you two, if will power alone is not enough, is to stop seeing him. Put as much distance as possible between you. With distance comes safety.
Based on the answers to the questions I've asked you will know what direction to take in order to help the father of your child and the man you love the most. If the answer to the questions I have asked is the yes no answer you can start seeing a psychologist by yourself and have the therapist help you bring him into the sessions.
If the pregnancy was a complete accident, birth control does have a failure rate. Condoms are only 85% effective. Birth control has a small failure rate and sometimes passion gets ahead of us and we fail to use a condom once. It is not one person's fault that you got pregnant.
Still if he was not ready to be a father this could be his problem. This is something he may not be able to or willing to talk to you about though a skilled therapist will be able to get him to talk about it and help him deal with things better.
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Ok first off im sorry your going through this, and secondly i was just going through this with my husband of 5 years so i am really right there on your level with you about this issue.
MY husband is also, an admitted workaholic. He works 40 minutes away and commutes on a train there and back everyday, then comes home only to get back ON his own personal computer and do MORE shit on there that he wasnt able to do at his day job. lol.
His libido could be down because he works so much to take care of his family that he is stressed and exhausted. So try to understand his side of things (totally not defending his actions over this) but it IS a fact of life that a man feels the need to work as much as he can to care for his family.
The problem is that sometimes when this happens, you have to both come together and have a serious talk. Tell him that you feel like hes not making ANY time for family. Make sure that you mention that your grateful for the fact that he works so hard to care for you and the baby but that any family that doesnt spend time together WILL fall apart eventually, its just a matter of time.
"if you dont use it you lose it" and the same applies to family and relationships.
I talked with my hubby about it, gave him some time to process it and think, and then did something really unexpected. I bought him a beautiful pocket watch and had it engraved on both sides saying "make time" "for love"
Now he can do this by helping you put the kid to bed early, spending weekends together even if the kid is there, sending the kid to the grand parents house if they are fit to care for the baby for a few hours so the two of you can go out to the movies. things like that.
The weekdays will be harder but if he has the weekends free, then he needs to try to carve out some time for you and the baby.
these changes could take time....feel free to inbox me if you have more questions. since ive been there maybe i can help more later as well.
good luck
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