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Eloping
I have decided to elope with my long term boyfriend within the next year or two. I do not have a good relationship with my family (I was physically abused most of my childhood), I do not have money for a huge wedding and I also am more on the shy side, so eloping seemed like a good option. However, I knew from the get go that my dad would be upset if I eloped. So, in an effort to help my dad adjust to the idea, I told him in advance that we are planning on eloping. I also explained that I don't enjoy being around the family anyway because of what went on in the past, that weddings seem too expensive to me and that I would prefer something quiet. This was a huge mistake. I wish I had just kept it quiet like you are supposed to when you elope. My dad did not adjust to the idea over time. Instead, he has been fighting with me for a full year over my plans to elope. He tells me that I am the reason the family doesn't get along and that I will make things even worse by eloping. In particular, constantly hearing that my dad thinks I am a drama queen for still being upset over being abused in the past is hard. I regret telling him that my family issues played any part in my decision to elope because now he won't let it go. I cat turn back the clock on what I said to him, although I wish I could...But what can I say to diffuse this situation the next time my dad brings this up? What do I say when tells me not to elope and that I have to invite my family to the wedding because he believes that I should be "over" my abuse already? It's hurtful and I don't want to be having these conversations
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First off, that is just plain messed up that he thinks you should be "over" something like that. Not He nor anyone else can say that, because that is something on you entirely. I can see why that would be hurtful. You can't listen to what he or your family is saying, eloping or getting married is yours and your partner's decision ONLY, and no one else's. honestly I don't think there is anything you can say to defuse it unless you say you are no longer eloping. I suggest you say straight up that this is your decision and they better get with the program because y'all are eloping whether they like it or not. It seems that you can't make him understand how you feel about the abuse, so all you can really say is that he may think you should be over it but it scarred you and it was cruel and you don't just simply get over something like that. I personally believe that when it comes to love, your family can't have a say in it because it is between you and your lover. So you may want their blessing or something like that, but what is important is that you two are together. It's your life, and you should do whatever you want.
Hope this helps~
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Oh hon, first I am so sorry to hear of your abusive childhood and the lack of love towards you.
I can't say how in the plan of life this fits in, but I do know from people I know, including myself, who have had to deal with some really bad life situations, that theres plenty opportunity for it to change and refine a people into an even more beautiful person, whereas those who dont come up against any pressure, tend to lack opportunity to become stronger and gain some personal growth.
If you are an adult, 18 or older, I am wondering why you are still staying in a home where you are not loved and still blamed for everything and told what you are supposed to be, do and how you should feel. That is not healthy. I know from experience being in a life situation thats not healthy, mine was marriage to a man who was verbally abusive and I didn't leave cus of our kids. I finally left after 30 yrs. So I can tell you a whole lot on how the stress of staying will affect you in ways you may not have thougt of. I stayed stable emotionally but the stress needed to go somewhere and so it affected my physical health, body rashes caused by stress, migraines from stress and stomach ulcers from stress to mention a few.
So hon, I am not going to tell you what to say next time to any family member because ofviously, you've been trying to use logic with dad for example and have found that what you did in telling him did not work as it might have on a normal health person mentally. There is something very wrong with both dad and mom, and may be differing issues they struggle with, but again, from my experience, I always tried logic in talking with my ex, but it never worked and things only got worse and he got angrier and more upset with me for not caving in to his demands. I learned in our last years that he had mental illness. Not bad enough to be noticeable. Many have a light enough case of it so they can get by in society without anyone suspecting and the only place it becomes obvious is with any people that become close to them, best friends, spouses, children, cus a person can't hide that part of them and keep it bottled up 24/7, they need a release valve and unfortunately they choose to release their toxic filth upon those closest to them whom they should be loving and protecting instead.
I can't say its mental illness or whether one or both parents have kept hidden their own traumatic childhood and are simply repeating what they experienced, but either way, they are not in a frame of mind to be able to listen to any reasoing from you. It will be a waste of breath and you will still be stressed and unhappy.
So now, the question is why you are waiting to move out from there? I am guessing financial. At the rate the economy is going and how hard I see it is for the average already established couple to afford a place to rent and pay for the bare minimum of basic needs, I know that is always going to be the biggest reason not to find a way to leave. I know you dont want to stay, and not looking for more torture, so if there is any reason why the two of you can't begin living together, find a way to solve that issue. If financial, then find another young employed couple who cant afford an apt on their own and rent a 2 bedroom together. Maybe one of you have a cousin who'd love to get a place to rent together to save up money.
I am guessing here as I dont know why you've put off eloping. If it's a belief that you must be married before living together, look at it this way, how is that belief going to protect you from further hurt from family. YOu as an adult need to live life for yourself and all decisions are yours to make. Your family lost their privileges to be a part of your life and a part of your wedding long ago. Yes, there's always a possibility of change in a person but the truth is that few people make big enough improving changes in their lifetime so that they become someone liveable with. I may have suggestions on how to get out sooner if I knew more the scope of why you havent left yet. Hope this helps you some, would like to help more but I dont know enough to really help more.
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