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Eloping
I have decided to elope with my long term boyfriend within the next year or two. I do not have a good relationship with my family (I was physically abused most of my childhood), I do not have money for a huge wedding and I also am more on the shy side, so eloping seemed like a good option. However, I knew from the get go that my dad would be upset if I eloped. So, in an effort to help my dad adjust to the idea, I told him in advance that we are planning on eloping. I also explained that I don't enjoy being around the family anyway because of what went on in the past, that weddings seem too expensive to me and that I would prefer something quiet. This was a huge mistake. I wish I had just kept it quiet like you are supposed to when you elope. My dad did not adjust to the idea over time. Instead, he has been fighting with me for a full year over my plans to elope. He tells me that I am the reason the family doesn't get along and that I will make things even worse by eloping. In particular, constantly hearing that my dad thinks I am a drama queen for still being upset over being abused in the past is hard. I regret telling him that my family issues played any part in my decision to elope because now he won't let it go. I cat turn back the clock on what I said to him, although I wish I could...But what can I say to diffuse this situation the next time my dad brings this up? What do I say when tells me not to elope and that I have to invite my family to the wedding because he believes that I should be "over" my abuse already? It's hurtful and I don't want to be having these conversations.
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Well the only way to avoid questions and not having to have any conversations would be to just never see them all again but would that be the right thing to do?? probably not.
yes it was a bad idea to tell anyone you were planning on eloping but what done is done, now you have to focus on what your going to do once your gone and moved out with your new husband to insure that youll never have to rely on them again because if you DO try to ask for anything most likely it'll get used against you for the rest of your/their lives (thats usually how this kinda thing goes) and for someone to tell you how to feel is not their place period.
No one would be telling you to "get over" the trauma of the abuse you suffered. thats wrong. what they CAN do is offer support and THAT you can ask for here. you can ask any of them to acknowledge that what happened was not ok and that we're not going to just sweep it under the rug and pretend like it never happened.
You might consider counseling for your family if not for just yourself if you need to because the scars that are left behind from such trauma can result in you later making bad choices in life in other areas.
Now your simply in a spot where your going to get married and its going to be a "small romantic affair" with just the two of you. thats what you could say if they wonder why their not being included. you not inviting ANYONE its not like your just NOT inviting them only. that way it'll seem more fair at least.
marriage is supposed to be a once in a life time thing so firstly, make sure this is really what you want, and secondly you shouldnt have to invite people out of obligation. Like the abuser or abusers just because they are family or something.
its your wedding day, its about YOU and you can do whatever you want on that day and no one is allowed to question that.
You pretty much cant count on your dads word now because if you get on his bad side he may spread around what youve told him, so be prepared for that as much as you can, by any means and do whatever you think you need to do to protect yourself from any possible bad reactions from other family members.
Also, know that in life there ARE going to be conversations your not going to want to have but your going to have to have them anyway because if you dont things could turn out MUCH MUCH worse. Try to understand forgiveness and that everyone makes mistakes and that those mistakes shouldnt be waved in their faces for the rest of their lives ok.
Forgive them for YOU not for them, because when you dont they hold power over you, over your soul, over your happiness, and over your life. Sometimes to the point where your not longer living life, your simply existing day to day and the only person thats hurting is you not them. Just because they hurt you long ago doesnt mean that they shouldnt be punsihed but you also cant punish yourself either so you might as well just try to make the best of it because you can still have a bright future with the person you love more then anything. = )
It takes alot of energy everyday to just be negative and angry at someone ALL. THE TIME. and i cant imagine having to live like that.
You dont have to regret having told your father what your honest opinion was, you were clearly trying to get a message across to him that maybe he isnt ready to hear right now. But you said it, its out there now, and no matter what he thinks about it, he cant ignore forever the effects he will see after youve made the ripples in the water so to speak.
good luck ; )
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