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Starting over
I met this guy who is a single dad of 3 boys and we have fell completely in love. We are getting ready to move in together alone with my 3 boys. His mom and I have got off on wrong foot and I want to make things right with her for myself and how I feel. She has helped my boyfriend raise his boys for 4 years cause their mom isn't around. She feels like I'm stepping in and taking her place and I'm not trying to at all. She is a sweet lady with a huge heart and I want her to know I would never try to take her place at all..
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Advice man has said everything I would have. I'll only add something for you to keep in mind. Even tho grandmother and having grandmotherly feelings, she has in effect stepped in to become their mother for all rules and purposes, doing the mothering and raising that their bio mom wasnt around to do. I have a granddaughter and when I had her without my daughter around like for a weekend or such, just the relationship between her and I felt different on my part. I felt more like she was my own bio child, not grandchild. In fact on one occasion in a store when someone asked if she was my daughter, my subconscious mind heard and caused me to answer Yes, before my conscious mind could even focus on the question i was asked. that event really rocked me. I knew she was my grand daughter and yet I've gone on to occasionally have dreams that she is my daughter and I her mother. I also happen to be a very nurturing and maternal type...those feelings run strong in me, even with other peoples children, or even with adults who need a little nurturing, supportive care. So if she's that type too, she is not going to be able to make a switch easy in her mind that she's still the grandmother because the feelings of being their mom if this is the case, are way too engrained by now and she cant make that stop, its part of her. It has to be a special understanding of her not going back to being just grandma necessarily, but as in divorced couples remarrying and the blending of families, kids realize they now have more than one mom or dad and often 3 or 4 sets of grandparents. So you her and your guy need to all have a talk without the kids around to hear or witness. In your case, you may be the step mom, but she's like their mom, their adoptive mom. the only difference is that his 3 boys aren't being bounced between two households, his boys are going to have 2 "Moms" under the same roof. Now I know its hard for many women to get along with another female under the same roof. thats a given. But as adults, and especially her being older and wiser with more experience, I would think it should be possible...not easy, but possible. Then as for the children, she needs to be told that this is nothing more than a blended family where many kids end up with two sets of parents due to some being step parents now. YOu let her know you realize that she has been filling the role of mom and possibly has those motherly feelings as well as grandmotherly ones fr the boys. You want her to know that she is not being replaced, she can still fill that role for them but that they get something special other kids don't have, 2 motherly types under the same roof. If the kids are prepared that this is a special rare privilege that they get, then they will adjust fine. It remains that the real issues of parenting need to be discussed between all 3 of you. A mistake that parents make, and she is included here, is that children will play one against the other, running to one to get an okay for something, the one they think most likely to grant an okay. It may not be okay with the other parent or they tell one parent the other said ok if you say ok. Dont trust the kids. Your own may even try for the same thing trying to get grandma to give permissions on something neither you nor he had previously agreed on. SO you adults need to put off the kids on an immediate answer and say you will have a talk with the other two, this means, you include her input and ideas on all 3 of you deciding on how the parenting is being done. In the end if she fights her son or you tooth and nail, it is his mother, and he needs to have the talk with her that she needs to cooperate for the health for the family. He needs to be able to stand up to his mom in case things go really wrong with her, or in the end if really bad situation, he's giving her the reins to do as she pleases, with her boys, maybe yours too or ignoring and rejecting yours,...whatever the situation may be, and worst case scenerio, it doesnt work. Either you and the boys move out or she does.
However I highly doubt it as you described her as a sweet lady with a huge heart. Just place yourself in her shoes and try to imagine what it feels like to her and you'll do fine dear.
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To start with the problem is not you. It is a problem anyone would have stepping into the world of someone who has been a caretaker for as long as she has. No matter what you are going to be seen as an interloper into her domain. Facts are if you are moving in to his home with your children you are going to be a de facto stepmom to his children. It has to be this way and he has to become the de facto step dad to your children just as she will become the de facto step grandma to your children.
Fact is that living together, combining two families must include each of you allowing the other to parent the others children. If not then don't give up the place you’re living now for the relationship won't work out. His mother also has to be able to be a parent and grandparent o your children when she is with them. This in the nucleus of the new family you are going to have. Not only does his mother have to understand this but so do the children. You have to explain to both sets of children that what won't be tolerated is hearing "you’re not my mother or you’re not my father."
I would suggest that you and your BF first talk over the parenting arrangement of the others children. Where in this arrangement his mother will fit in for she must be included for the benefit of the children she raised for 4 years. Then either together or singularly you speak with her and explain to her you’re not replacing her.
She has to understand that her sons’ family is taking on a new dimension. That you are part of that dimension as is she; that you are not looking to toss her aside but are going to need her help raising not 3 but 6 children. The only thing that will change is where her word was final that in some instances she will have to defer to you and your boyfriend. You are the parents and you are parenting the combined family together.
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