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How can I forgive myself?
I am 23 years old and have had a very rocky relationship with my mother. Just some background info - she was raised as a Mormon but broke away from it and never pressed religion on me. I kind of wish she did because I do not practice any religion, simply just don't believe. That's beside the point. Anyways, she had me young. Around 18. Her and my dad were addicted to drugs for a while but she snapped herself out of it after getting a letter in the mail that I had been late to kindergarten 91 times in a row. After that, she was amazing. She has always been there when I needed her. When I turned 16, I became one HELL of a teenager. I never did drugs, got pregnant, or dropped out of school like some teens do but the thing is, I used my words to hurt my mother as bad as I possibly could. I screamed at her, called her horrible names, told her that she was a piece of **** mom, that she will never be anything more than an addict, and I just cut her down as a mom completely. She would cry in front of my face and I never even felt a sting of remorse until the next day when I calm down. Then I would apologize, and 2 days later itd go right back to where it was. Now, I'm 23. I live on my own, have a successful career, and a COMPLETELY different mind set. My mom is my best friend and I couldn't fathom saying the things I said to her. She has forgiven me and we have moved on, the topic hardly comes up. But I think about it ALL the time. I know I can't change the past but I am so sorry, I just can't seem to forgive myself. I beat myself up over it still to this day. How can I cope with this feeling and get past it completely?
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Stop beating yourself up what happened in your teenage years is all normal, especially for females. It is hormonal the result of the hormones released during puberty. Most parents understand this as they went through this themselves at your age. It doesn't mean the words were any less hurtful but understanding does take the sting out of them.
By all other accounts of what you have written you were a good daughter. You did well in school and managed to stay out of trouble and build a successful career. You and your mom are now best friend and put the past where it belongs. I assume this means apologies have been made and accepted.
There is nothing more to be done than to continue to be good friends with your mother. Enjoy the time you spend together and someday, if it is in your plan, honor her with grandchildren.
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As a teen, you most likely were under the influence of your hormones. All females go thru it, either their emotions are affected to where they become very sad and weepy all the time or they become very easily agitated or angry and mean all the time. Its the rush of hormones that the body hasn't quite got used to that is responsible for these changes. A female having the anger issues will ALWAYS focus it at a female close to her in some way in life, so usually fighting with a mother, a sister, a friend, extended female family member or female teacher. So this is not unusually.
Your mothers reaction in taking it personally was simply because she probably forgot that this was likely what you were going through, combined with her own memorys of her past that likely still haunted her, made her feel guilt and really bad when you said what you did.
If you've apologized for it, then theres nothing more to be said. You can only forgive yourself if you want to. But it helps to be able to understand that you weren't totally in control of yourself during those years. I had 3 daughters, youngest your age now, who went through all this as I did when a teen. They chose to fight each other during these times instead of me but I got a few incidences too of 10-12 yrs aged daughters telling me they hated me or something like that, tho it didn't happen often. I didn't take it personally and knew I was a bad mom, that the real issue was what they were just starting to experience, the very beginnings of the hormones affecting them. Some personalities also are prone to use their words to hurt or sting others like a Scorpio for example but that can be controlled with one's will and maturity, in knowing that hurt inflicted doesnt solve your problem or make you feel better in the long run.
If you're still thinking about it all the time, bring up the conversation with your mom, don't hide from it. Ask her if she thinks that maybe this teen hormone thing may have been what prompted you to act that way towards her. She needs to hear you build her up, not just tell us here. So tell her how proud you are of her when she quit drugs to focus on her most important responsibility....you. Tell her again you wish you could erase what you did back then and are grateful she's forgiven you but wanted to one final time say your' sorry. then move on. You already shared that you were a very sensible teenager in that you didn't do drugs, get pregnant or drop out of school as some did. This shows that you had at core the makings of a very fine loving caring person. Its just that during our teen years, our bodies look more mature but a part of our brain, responsible for how we behave and treat others and our best decision making, is still not done growing and usually isn't until we're around our mid 20's which is where you are at now. So teen girls have that extra thing working against them being the best possible person they can be at that age. If those 2 elements were missing back then, I promise you, you wouldn't have treated mom that way. Knowing that, stop beating yourself up, forgive yourself and enjoy your life and your mom. Remember all this when you have daughter that reach their teen years and explain to them whats going on with them. It helps to know that as a teen girl and they don't teach this anywhere to teen girls.
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