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Wtf am I even looking for?
I have dated nothing but losers in the past. As a successful 23 year old teacher, I am not sure HOW I attract them, but I do. They're mean to me, they usually sell drugs, and they almost ALWAYS cheat on me. HOWEVER, I finally started dating a guy OPPOSITE of all of that. He's the definition of what you bring home to mama. He doesn't have a 6-pack or blonde hair and blue eyes, but dammit he loves me so much. I just can't help but feel like I don't feel as strongly. We were friends for 8 years before dating. I love him with all of my heart but I'm not in love with him. I already feel like I've kept it going for longer than I should but when I don't have him in my life, I feel lost. I guess what I'm looking for is personal experiences? Maybe someone can relate? Why did I fight with all of my boyfriends, trying to get them to be perfect and here comes Mr. Right and he's not good enough? I know we always want what we can't have but please give insight! I'd really appreciate it. Thanks :-)
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
You might be looking at that story book type of love where your lover rides in on a white horse and sweeps you off your feet. That type of love doesn't always come. There are many different types of love and the one you have sounds like the more perfect and stable type. The love that is like a comfortable slipper.
My wife and I have that type of love. There were no bells or whistle that went off. No fireworks display that we could see. We were just two people deeply in love with each other we were the ying for the others yang. It has been this way for 44 years come next month.
It is the type of love where we are so close we know the others needs and desires and not just sex. We finish each others sentences. We know what the other wants for dinner and so on. We are extremely comfortable together and do not always need words to communicate or be in each others presents to know we love each other. Yet we cannot be apart for too long before we become uncomfortable. TO that end my work has only kept us apart for less than two months in the 44 years we are married.
I think you may have Mr. Right and not realize it for you are looking for the storybook romance that probably will never come your way. Take a moment to stop and really think about what you have. You say you love him dearly and feel lost when he is not in your life. This too is love.
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This will be long and yet theres much more to share in details so ask if you need. Here goes.
How to find Mr. Right:
I went through this search in my late forties after an almost 30 yr marriage to a man who was never in love with me, verbally abusive and not my sexual match. I was ready to finally find Mr Right and what I believe I heard while praying, is that I had to make several lists and refine them as I went along.
First, how well do you know yourself? I used a dating site 2nd time around. It worked for me to find my true love. However, to fill out a profile for yourself, to really describe yourself, your personality and who you are at core, is hard to do, like writing about your work strengths in a resume. So this is just as important as a resume only more so. You can easily leave a job that doesnt work out. Its much harder with a boyfriend or husband. So its best to be able to describe yourself well for those few you meet who may be promising. They will have something specific they are looking for as well and need to be able to recognize the possibility that you may be the one for them. You'll need this list or bio on yourself before you can form the list of what you are looking for in a guy.
So, ask yourself what it is in life that lights you up, makes you not just happy but content and feeling fulfilled. Ask yourself what is or are the passions deep inside that push you to seek out certain hobbies, pastimes, certain people with the same?
I'll give you an example. One of the things that make me passionate about certain things in life is that I am a nurturing person deep at core. This nurturing desire needs to be expressed and has been through several different avenues. For one, being a mother and raising my kids, now grandkids, loving planting and tending a garden, and yes, giving advice in an advice column. All of these things require a person driven by nurture, such as my wanting to be of help to you, to see you break free of whatever is holding you back in life or keeping you unhappy.
Once you have defined yourself with some really good descriptive words or scenerios, you will be drawing on this list to make a really to the point list of criteria of what is most important in a guy.
If you need help with the list of yourself, please just ask me and I will help.
Now, for the list of what you feel is Mr. Right for you.
Actually, there will be two lists. A list of Must Haves, things which if missing are a deal breaker because they are that important to you. Do not let any guy tell you that your criteria is extremely unreasonable. I got that often. It means the guy cant meet your criteria, can't meet your Must Haves and wants you to lower your standard for them and don't give a crap about who you are and why these are your criteria. A deal breaker would be “I want a guy who wants to have kids” “I want a guy who isnt afraid to commit, settle down and marry” “I want a guy who is open minded spiritually and will allow me to believe whatever I do without trying to convert me to his belief” “I want a guy who never raises his voice to me and is able to calmly talk things out.” “I want a guy who isn't a smoker or recreational drug user”.
I for example am very allergic to cigarette smoke or the lingering odor of it. Guys who smoked met with me pretending at first that they didn't. Sitting across a table at a restaurant first time, I couldn't pick it up but when riding in their car on a later date it was heavy cigarette odor in there. He claimed he didn't smoke but later by habit pulled out a cigarette and felt it was okay to lie to me cus I might fall in love once I got to know him and the cigarette smoke wouldn' t matter. It mattered that strongly to me and pissed off a couple guys real badly but you have to stick with what you want. This helps to eliminate guys with major character faults, such as being inconsistent, liars, cheaters, etc....
Do not worry that this is extreme. In fact it has been found in tests done that men (the good ones worth having) are attracted to a woman who knows what she wants, will stick by it without making excuses or apologizing for it, not afraid to ask for or state what she wants. This attitude is basically having a strong self confidence and self confidence in a woman is what made these good men choose the confident woman over the prettier ones in looks.
The other list is the what you want, like the icing on the cake. It is not a need or requirement but would be nice. This list you don't share with the guy. Its for yourself incase you find several guys who meet all the critieria of your other list, to help you choose from among them.
So here is where you find things like, he likes to go dancing, he is a musician or sings well, he likes gardening, has interest in meditation, has long hair, has a 6 pack. I listed that I wanted a man who was height and weight proportionate. This means maybe there might be some chub but basically they will look reasonably okay without looking like a body builder. These things are not deal breakers, because if they are to you, then they're in the wrong list. These are things you would like to see but if you don't get, you can live with it, for the rest of your life.
I promise, these lists will help. You'll also refine it or think of things to add as you run across guys or problems that you didn't think needed to be in a list. Then if not using a dating site and posting these out there right in the beginning, at least on a 2nd date if a guy asks you out twice, (means he is reasonably interested in you) tell him you have something import you need to share with him. It's important to you. Then recite your list to him. If afraid you may leave something important off, have copies of your list in your purse to hand out to a guy. If he looks at you like this must be a joke or asks such, keep calm and smile nicely and let him know that you are very serious and have resorted to this measure because simply going out with just random guys in the past and into a relationship resulted in the wrong guy each time. This is okay to give examples on if he asks. Make no excuses. If he gets upset or has a problem with any of your criteria, you could ask him why, but you can't rely at this early stage whether he may be telling the truth or not to get you to trust him and lower your standards. It is best to tell him you've decided to not consider him, as if he was an applicant for a job and his resume just isn't enough to get the position of 'boyfriend'. Think of yourself as your own human resources manager, looking for the perfect applicant for the available position of boyfriend. Then you know that you will have to turn away many hopefuls. I even had some guys beg me to choose them by the end of a first time meet up. That killed it. Spoke volumes of them feeling insecure, wimpy as males, and having low self esteem, all of which I wished to avoid.
Hope this helps you. This is a lot said and yet there is so much more detail to share. So ask me if you have questions.
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