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Lost friends because of controlling angry mother?
I recently left my Uni house, and I was picked on by two girls in the house however the rest of the house treated me nicely.
When I left my mum chose to blast loud music through the house while we were packing up (because a complaint of mine was that my housemates kept me up till like 2am most nights being noisy next door)
It didn't stop there. My mum spilt oil all over the kitchen top (the oil I think was one of the nice housemates) and all over the plates.
She then as we left shouted 'slag' and 'bitches' up the stairs. Needless to say I was angry at my mum because her actions caused one of the housemates who I dislike to have a go at me online about the oil.
I just deleted the conversation-well my mum took my phone and did that.
What do I do? Shall I say sorry to the 'nice' housemates about the oil and say good luck for the future stay in touch. Or should I just leave it all together.
I wanted a peaceful exit but because of my mums actions I'm worried I have now lost what were good friends :(
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You are not generally responsible for the actions of your parents. Though in this case to a certain extent you are. While you cannot undo what she did I believe you all your housemate an explanation of what happened and who is responsible for the mess made. You also should apologize for what she did and tell them you will be responsible for any reasonable repair costs if any to the cook top and to replace the oil you mother wasted on the cooktop.
Wile what I'm suggesting save any friendship you have with housemates I can't say. It is going to be hard to believe that a grown woman would act as she has. Unless one of them were there to see and hear her they may be a bit skeptical of your apology still I believe you should send one.
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Wow! She may have given birth to you and have an adult body but is acting like anything but an adult. this is grade school stuff!
So your Mom also has access to your phone and let me guess, you're going to live with her. I wouldn't say angry friends and whether to patch up is the problem. Your problem is much bigger than that. If you allow her to do things like this without sayinhg anything to her about how improper it is, she'll continue to make trouble for you down the road. Possibilities include dictating where you live once you are on your own, what car you purchase, what job you get, calling your boss and ruining your position in a company with her theatrics, dictating who you can date, choosing a guy for you and running off all the rest, giving you no choice in the planning of your own wedding, so on and so forth.
You are an adult and as such, you can make your own choices. If Mom is a maniac and unpredictable like this, you will have to be the adult. This doesn't mean you don't love her as your mom , you just don't allow that kind of behavior of hers to affect your life. So you'd need to sit down and have a good talk. Tell her you did not appreciate her behavior, that it made things worse for you. that you would appreciate her not interfering in that way in the future and allow you to choose your own battles let alone choose anything else regarding your life and future. You know she may feel she was doing you a favor, (twisted thinking, probably needs to see a mental health counselor for this but you can't tell her that part) but you do not see this as a favor nor helpful. If she can't agree to watch herself in the future in regards to you and your life, then you need to make plans to shut her out of your life until she does change. It means also putting a passcode on your phone immediately so she cant use it or add or delete anything on there. It also probably will end up meaning you need to find somewhere to live other than home. If you already have a place, make sure she does not have a key. If she becomes a pest calling you alll the time, Block her number. If that doesnt help, get a new number and dont give it to her. If she wants to be in your life from here on out, she needs to play by your rules for your life because parent or not, every person needs to give you respect and not go against your wishes or try to run your life for you. If they do, they do not deserve to be in your life. Sometimes it takes something that drastic to make a person wake up and change their ways. Make sure other relatives know what you are doing so they don't thwart your efforts to keep Mom out of your life if it comes to that. I know finding a job is one important step to becoming self sufficient, but a place to live is another. Check with all relatives even distant ones blood wise to see if they can take you in and as soon as you can, you pay them to rent a bedroom or space from them. If no relatives, perhaps friends or their parents, and lastly, if you attend a church, have a talk with the pastor and tell him of your situation and need to find a place to be away from Mom's erratic and controlling behavior. If you search hard enough and long enough, you will find something. My oldest had it good at home but was desperate to be out on her own and asked at her church once she turned 18, and an older woman there, rented to her for about a year, which helped her to get started on her own. So it is possible to find someone with a kind heart and the space who will take you in. You just have to swallow your pride and be willing to talk to everyone and tell all what your need is.
I wish you the best. I know its not what you wanted to hear but its my best advice to a young adult just starting their life because at 20 I ended up getting married to a man who was much like your mother and the stress of that made me slowly get physically ill over the years. I finally wised up and left him but I can say, a person like that usually is normal enough to get along in society without people realizing they need counseling but are messed up enough to make the lives of family and loved ones miserable and actually harmful to their mental, emotional and physical health, not to mention controlling your life. They are the type not willing to get help and always will point the finger at others and say that someone else is the problem. Theres no compromise and no winning with such a person and even at the end of our marriage when a friend talked him into seeing a counselor, the counselor told me that most people with these sorts of behavioral issues are unlikely to change quickly if at all and can go a whole lifetime never improving, unless deep down they are ready to admit they have a problem and truly want to change and improve. So when I learned he was only pretending to be interested in seeing the counselor and with little likelihood of improving I left him and divorced. You can't divorce a Mom but you can set your standards and boundaries and ask her to abide by them. It will be her choice to decide to do so or not and essentially it will be her making the choice to not be in your life. All of society has rules to follow, you must obey laws too. Mom can not be kept exempt from laws of the land or peoples personal rules regarding their lives. Same thing. I hope you find a solution and that Mom comes around to changing.
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