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My boyfriend's ex.
I'm 24 and recently started dating this guy whose 28. We met playing a sport we both love and there was and instant attraction on both ends. We've gone on about 6 dates now and there is definitely sparks, we get along great, and we can talk for hours. He asked me to make things a little more serious and be his girlfriend and I agreed because I felt like it was really worth a shot. The date after he asked me to be his gf we watched a movie at his place and he asked me if I'd be mad if I knew his ex used to live with him. I lived with my ex so this question didn't even make me flinch. He then quickly told me his ex's mail still gets delivered there and there's a huge stack of her mail that he says he doesnt feel like giving to her. I thought it was just a really bad breakup and neither of them wanted to see each other so I didn't push. The next date we got a little physical and he called me by his exs name. He quickly apologized and said he's just been saying that name for three years and it just slipped out. He sounded guilty and asked if he should leave but I told him mistakes happen and we just ended up going to sleep after that. Just today we had a great date but something was nagging me so I looked up his Facebook and found myself on his ex's page. During their breakup not only was/is he keeping her mail but apparently he gave away her cats. This just made me worry. I know there are two sides to every story, I'm just afraid to ask. I really do like this guy but before I get too serious I would like to know what exactly is going on, and who I'm getting serious with. Should I ask him about his ex? If not what questions should I be asking?
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Weird.
I was about to say "holding onto her mail is wrong", but why the hell hasn't she done a change of address with the post office?
I mean - is he still getting her mail and holding onto it, or is it just that he has a stack of her mail and doesn't know what to do with it?
The correct thing for him to do is to mark each item with "return to sender - not at this address" or however that is usually phrased where you live, and dump them back to the post office. If he knows her forwarding address, he should forward the mail there.
You're right - this is pretty strange. There's a good chance that his "ex" isn't necessarily permanently his ex.
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You should be asking him why - if he is really done with her - he is holding on to her mail as an act of vengeance. It's also a crime. He's obligated by law to give to her, or to mark it as Return to Sender and give it back to the postal worker. Since what he is doing is a crime, she could take him to court for holding on to her mail. He needs to give it back. "I don't feel like it." doesn't cut it.
If he doesn't want to deal with her, then he needs to give it back to the post office. Like, yesterday.
If he is actually ready to date again, then he is ready to stop bullying his ex and stealing her mail. No matter what else went down, he needs to stop the evil little games.
In your shoes, I'd ask about the cats as well. Just straight up ask. Because if there is ANY truth to it, he's a monster. Anyone who doesn't go out of their way to keep pets safe and cared for during a breakup is a monster. If he doesn't know that, you need to get far, far away from him.
If his side of the story is anything but "I did everything I could to keep those cats safe! I only gave them away because she couldn't take them and I was going to get evicted or die from allergies!" then he's a monster. Anyone who would hurt an animal to get back at an ex is someone you need to stay very, very far away from.
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Hon, lets put it this way...
If you had mail being delivered to a place you used to live, wouldn't you to a change of address with the post office? Thats what most people would do. And IF, before the post office started redelivering to your new address, won't you go show up at your old address, especially if you knew the person, to pick up your mail, or send a friend, sister, to go get it? Of course!
For this ex's mail to still get delivered there is rather odd. And for him to hold on to it rather than handing it back to the postman or better yet, calling the post office and telling them to no longer deliver it as she has moved is what he should have done. Both of them are simply not using their heads.
So theres some questions you can ask based on that scenerio.
As for calling someone by an ex's name. That is quite common and means nothing. Both my second husband and I have called each other by our ex spouses name. Not intentionally but it has happened oh I dont know about a dozen times, maybe more in our 6 yrs together. You see, when we aren't totally focused, or sometimes in an altered state during love making, our subconscious mind takes over some functions for us and tries to help...but usually messes up. Its the same like when I am trying to get one daughters attention and call her by the names of all other children first before getting to hers. It doesnt mean I don't know who my own daughter is. All parents do this, all lovers do this too.
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