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Long distance relationship
Hi guys :)
I am 24/f and I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years now and and have lived together for 3 years. He has had a lot of trouble getting a job due to not finishing high school and having big gaps in his résumé and not much experience due to having a bit of a troubled time as a teenager. He hasn't kept a job the entire time we have been dating. He recently decided to go to uni to try to make a career for himself and has elected to go to a uni in another state hours away so he moved about six months ago.. Because he can't support himself with no job he lives with his sister who supports him. He wanted me to move with him and I said no because I had a good job and friends and family here and I was worried he may not be motivated enough to stick it out at uni. His degree is three years and he recently said he is considering moving back to be with me at the end of this year but I don't think thats fair on him. I don't think it's fair for me to move there if I don't want to and I don't think it's fair for him to move back to me because I would feel so guilty if he did since this is his life and career we are talking about I don't completely understand what he is feeling because I would of never moved away from him and I feel a bit sad he has moved away from me but saying that isn't fair either. Chances of him getting work are higher than here so he may choose to still live there after his degree is finished. I feel a bit unsure about what to do and I need help. The way I see it there are three options, me move there, him move back or us break up and I don't want to do any of them :/
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I know that three years is a decent amount of time to be in a relationship. And if you are like most other people, you're relationship most likely has had it's ups and downs and struggles to make the relationship work.
You mentioned that you think he may not be motivated enough which could potentially cause a lot of issues and stress on a relationship. Since he's thinking of moving back in with you, it is very possible that he doesn't even want to continue with Uni. Most people that are not motivated rarely make it through Uni.. especially if they need to go for more than two years. Which is something that you need to be aware of.
If he would move back in with you, you will most likely be supporting him between jobs. Paying for the things he wants and/or needs. I know you probably have done that for him in the past, but honestly.. how long are you willing to do that for? A few months? Weeks? Years? They rest of your life/rest of the relationship with him? That's something you are going to need to consider. Think about how long you are going to support him before it becomes a burden for you. If you think you will be able to continuously support him that's great. However, even if you have an excellent paying job, and everyone where you work loves you.. jobs are not a guarantee. Nothing in life is a guarantee. God forbid you ever lose your job (which I am not saying will happen.. but just incase), who is going to take care of you? Not your boyfriend unless he gets a really good job where he makes more than minimum wage. If that would ever happen (that you become unemployed) I'm sure you could find someone to help you, if it's only you. However, add an additional person to the mix and there are less people that would be willing to take both you in. I know from experiences of my own and people that I know.
As for you moving to be with him, that really isn't fair to you. It isn't even fair of him to ask that of you. You have your own life right where you are. A good job and people that love and care for you. I could see maybe making that move if things weren't going well for you where you are currently at. If that were the case, a move might even benefit you. It's hard to uproot yourself and go to a place that's not familiar to you. If you would be moving in with his sister as well, you don't exactly know how everything would turn out. If you would move in and say you and her had a disagreement for whatever reason where would you go if you are not in a place where you know other people? If you were able to find your own place that would be great but you would have to make sure that you can get a secure job there. Also keep in mind that every time you change jobs, it is always a possibility that you may not like it and become unhappy.
I know that breaking up with someone that you have been together with for that long is a really bad thought and it would hurt you emotionally and mentally. And breaking up with someone you love could possibly be the hardest thing that you have ever had to do. You need to think of your own future and happiness in the long run. Try not to make rash decisions based on how you are feeling at the moment. Moments and today's feelings will eventually come to an end.. the most important thing is how things might play out for you in the future.
If you are 100% sure that you do not want to break up with him, than try to make the long distance relationship work. I know a few people that were able to make it work, but there were also people who had the long distant thing fail miserably and it turned out to be a waste of their time and money that it costs to make those trips to go see their partner. Him coming back to live with you, or you moving to live with him isn't fair to either of you's. You are both trying to do your own things.
Try writing a pros and cons list of all the options that you feel you have and maybe you can get some insight regarding what's best for you.
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As I see it three years is a long time. If he sticks to it and graduates he will change as Uni forces people to change and mature. You will also change and mature as you grow and follow in your career path.
It is my belief that you should encourage him to stay in school as that is the best course of action for him. At the same time you both should be free to arrow and mature as nature intends. Meaning you should both explore new social lives and not be tied to one another. You should keep in touch through social media though being exclusive to each other is wrong for both of you.
At Uni he is going to meet many new people of both sexes thorough classes and study groups. It would be wrong for him not to socialize within these groups. It would be just as wrong for you not to socialize within the groups of people you will meet both in and out of work.
As I said in the beginning three years is a long time and people change. Long distance romances rarely ever work out and one or the other ends up being hurt. It is far better to give each other the right to follow the wherever life takes them. In three years when he graduates if you two still wish to be together then you can tackle the question of which one of you moves to accommodate the other.
Chances are huge that in three years you both will be with others. As my mother would tell you if it is meant to be it will be. For now though to sit home and hope he is doing the same probably won't last long for either of you and then the guilt happens. It is better to be open about this.
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