|
How can I stop being introverted and socially awkward?
I'm a really reserved person and it feels so hard for me to speak to other people. It's exhausting trying to make people happy and to even talk to them when their not into the conversation. If you would see me in real life I dress anything but shy because I'm comfortable with showing off my clothes and body but, obviously not in a sexual way. All of these people approach me and try to be my friend but I tend to over think on what to say or if that person will be with me on the long run. I don't know who to trust because it feels like all of these people would judge me if I open up. One of my friends even pointed out that I was introverted when he noticed I was very uncomfortable and was reserved when he told me to grab his hand. I want to make friends but also not get into problems that I don't need in my life. I'm not someone that'll tell just anyone about my feelings or personal life unless they earned trust. On the other hand, when I do open up to certain people they seem to not be able to handle it and distance themselves from me. I also don't go up to my friends, I simply wait for them to approach me and I know that that's bad because I shouldn't expect that from people but I feel like if I approach someone that they'll get annoyed or angry. I just want to be a bit more social without over thinking what I have to say or getting scared to approach people and how they'll possibly think of me. How can I do this and not be an annoying, clingy person at the same time?
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
fear of people and how they will respond is the key issue here. I know cus I had it too, really bad. As a kid in grade school, I wouldn't walk to the pencil sharpener and sharpen my pencil for fear of people looking at me and just the fact that their attention, their eyes would focus on me for an instant scared the crap out of me. Needless to say, thats a hard way to live day in day out. It was my last year in HS when I'd finally had enough and was desperate to change. It never occured to me to ask for counseling, I didn't know this could be handled that way. But I was so tired of being this way, I was willing to try the suggestions of anyone who would give them. I prayed and god answered.
I was given a quite simple exercise to go through at my own pace. Heres what I did. Tho it may not seem it can help, since you have problems approaching others and wait for them to approach you...i was like that too, I KNOW this can help you.
First, you must do all these things with total strangers, in a safe way ofcourse, people you come across in public that you do not know and why...because tho hard, its still easier to approach someone you already know.
Step 1: As you approach or walk by a stranger, smile at them. I was so bad I feared that a smile might cause them to want to strike up a conversation. It never happened. If it had, all I had to say was, sorry I don't have time to chat.
Do this until you are comfortable with it.
Step 2: All the same except with the smile, You say hello politely and move on. This can be someone in an elevator, walking on the street, the clerk at check out in the store.
Step 3: Do the smile, hello and pay them a compliment. No...it actually isnt very odd at all for a stranger to compliment you. People will not find this odd at all and you just might make their day. I have complimented a mom with 3 kids in the store after she left it for being such a good mother, not afraid to take her kids anywhere, she listened to their requests but kept them in line. I have liked the earring a clerk wore and told her i liked them that they were very pretty. Again, do this until its so easy for you until you could do it in your sleep.
Step 4: Takes you further. You can smile and say hello or compliment but it isn't necessary. for this, you simply strike up a conversation that is appropriate to the situation you find yourself in. Usually I ask a question. People don't mind helping or responding to a question or comment. Lets see, its summer, you've gotten your slurpee drink and waiting in line to pay and look around you, the person in line behind you is buying a bag of chips and a Heath bar. Heres a good choice of thing to say. thats my favorite brand of chips too. I especially love it with....., or Heath, mmm thats one of my favorites. Have you ever had the "name" candy bar too? Either the person starts talking or they don't. But I can tell you from studying people and the little I know of personality types, that 80 to 90% OF people have the type of personalitys that are friendly and receptive to people approaching them and very few will not want to talk. In fact the only person I knew like that was a girl I used to share a work cubicle with. You need to believe me that it is not seen as annoying or being clingy. You also need self confidence but although that can be helped a little here, theres more to strengthening it later. It is okay for your personality to be one where you naturally are more introverted. You don't need to change your personality, just become comfortable interacting with the world around you. This is good for starters. Imagine my surprise tho to discover about 15 years later that even though I had no problem with talking to people now, it was old hat...I still didnt realize I had a problem with Fear of what people will think of me. Yup, that one can be subtle.
Again God helped. We had one of those churchs that really rock during worship/music time with people standing and rocking in place or clapping. It was my favorite time. God said, take two hair scrunchies, and glue strips of ribbons of the same length all the way around and wear them on your wrists so that the ribbons sway as you clap during worship. Hear I was a mom with 3 kids and my first thought, I was terrified of what other people would think of me. The only way to get past such a fear, that I didnt even realize i still had, was to face it, and that meant doing as I was told. So I made these wristlets and wore them. I was shaking. I didn't dare look to see if anyone else was looking but looked straight ahead and sang. I immediately got all the kids my girls age, wanting to do the same. I had to make more and soon there was a group of children who would do this, but not a single adult and after a while, I realized i didnt care. I got compliments from some and I asked if they'd like to join me and they all said no. I guess they were too chicken but I gained admiration from others for being so bold to start something new, do something that no one else was doing. If you watch videos on Facebook, surely you've seen the ones of people who stand holding a sign that says, "Free Hugs". That also is something really different that few will do, even those who are friendly and extroverts....that is just something a bit out there, beyond their limits of what they are comfortable. Maybe one day, you'll be ready to tackle that too. It didn't take long to change and overcome my fears. As you face them and push yourself forward, even in baby steps and do so consistantly every day, you'll overcome it sooner than you thought possible. even thought I took my time, it was just a couple months before i didn't worry about what to say anymore. Good luck dear.
Whenever you need further advice, please come to my column and write me from there. I'd like to hear how this works for you. bUT you won't start yet unless you deep inside are sick and tired of being this way.
]
You have asked a question that is as hard to answer as it is hard for someone with the problem to deal with. The reason being is that everyone is different and while there are certain things you can do to help yourself not any one thing works for any one person.
An example of that would be me and my father. My father was great at repairing anything mechanical One day while repairing someone's heating system he was offered a job in a major company's marketing department. They sent him to one of the Dale Carnegie schools of Public speaking. Now for me I went to the school of hard nocks and fought my way through my introverted problem and shyness. I had taken a job as a sales representative for a major manufacturing company.
I had been hired by the sales manager while working in a lighting showroom. I didn't have a problem in the showroom as people came to me. Now I had to go to others. It took awhile and confident in my product knowledge I succeeded and was approached by bigger and better companies to work for them.
The first part of any problem is acknowledging that you do have a problem. You have taken that first step. Now we need to find out how to fix it. Making small talk when your not use to it is hard. One thing though is you never pour out your life story to someone unless they ask for it or you are in a relationship for some time.
Small talk is about the weather, the local sports team, a holiday or special event that is approaching. Listening is also a good thing. Listen to the conversation and pick up on what is being said then add anything you can that is relevant to the conversation.
Waiting for people to approach you especially people you do not know will not happen and if it does it will be in a setting such as an office party or some sort of mixer. What I can tell you is if you can overcome your shyness through sheer determination and walk to someone and introduce yourself;it gets easier every time you do so.
There is one other thing I can suggest if you feel you're too shy to do so on your own or take a public speaking class. You might want to speak with a psychologist and enlist their help in overcoming this problem.
My non professional opinion is that part of a person's reason for being introverted and shy is rooted in their upbringing. That mom, generally, when talking to them about strangers does so in a manner that causes the problem. I could be wrong but then I know what my mother drilled into me and I'm fairly certain it was the root cause of my problem. A psychologist can help with this.
]
More Questions: |