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breakup help
21/f
so i have been dating this guy for about a month. i just left back to san fransisco for the summer and he will be in chicago so we wont see eachother for 3 months. we spoke about what to do over the summer vaguely and i thought i was clear in saying we should end things but then i said we could still keep in touch which i think he took as that we are still dating. he calls and texts me and lot and acts very boyfriendy and i geniunly enjoy talking to him but do not want to be "together" all summer and dont really want to pick things back up next year. He likes me a lot though and thinks things are going very well so im not sure how to say i didnt meant that we should stay together without hurting his feelings. just need suggestions on explanations for the breakup, what should i say? do i say its about the distance? should i say im not into it and hurt his feelings? should i make up something about that we want different things or im not ready for a relationship? please help any advice on how to end things without hurting him but also an excuse that he cant argue with and convince me not to end things.
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Telling him anything other than the truth will mean getting caught in your lie at some point in the future. For example, using distance as an excuse doesnt work for 2 reasons, one being, if two people who are in love must be separate for a while, that love doesn't dimenish by distance and will still be there once you get back together. The second being that once you are back, that excuse becomes invalid and youd have to tell another lie or finally tell the truth. You compromise your own integrity if anyone ever finds out you lied and you continue to live with guilt.
It may be that this guy is taking the timing of your breakup announcement to be connected to the fact you were traveling away for summmer and feeling that the relationship would suffer and thought this was the solution, when he felt both you and he could keep a loving relationship going until your return. If so, he will assume all things are normal upon your return.
Here's what you need to realize, that when 2 people are initially attracted to each other, there is no guarantee it will stay that way. A month of dating is a perfect amount of time to learn enough about the other person or see if your feelings change and that is the point at which you consider continueing on or breaking it off. it is an inevitable part of the process of dating. When both mutually part, no problem, but its way more likely that one realizes the need to break up before the other and the other may never feel that way. So yes, people will be hurt, but it can not be avoided.
I believe you may hesitate to tell the truth because other than a feeling you have, you aren't sure you can put into words in a way that makes sense as to why you are no longer interested in him. SO I think you need to know and understand WHY you want out before you can tell him and not feel bad about it. I do not know the reasons dear but I can take one good guess after just a month. Those feelings of attraction to him may have just dissapated as days went on and what you felt in the end was no real connection as far as the physical draw. And that is VERY important & a VALID concern as that makes up one half of a successful relationship. If he were a mean, abusive, selfish guy, you'd not feel guilty breaking up. But since he is so nice and makes such a nice friend, you're willing to remain friends with him. I dont think he's will to settle for that only if he wants the romance too. And would only agree to hang around in your life to convince you to want him in that way.
Unfortunately, those things can't be learned or forced over time. What I am saying is that perhaps there isn't a strong chemistry of pheremones between you. When the connection is strong, the passion, desire and love for a person grows quickly and easily. When not, the love is more than of a best friend. If this is the case for you, he needs to know that and the best explanation I know in that case is to simply say, I never felt any chemistry between us.
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Dear Breakup,
It's easier to use excuses or come up with ways to make it about you on why a relationship might not work. In the end honesty is the only key. If you just want to be friends make it known, because losing yourself with a lie is just as bad as losing yourself as a person. Just be honest and tell him how you feel. If he's an understanding person than he will be okay with it. If not, then he would never be someone you would want to be with anyway because he's not understanding.
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I think the best breakup way is to say that you need time for yourself and need to figure things out with your life rn and don't have time for a relationship, ESPECIALLY a long distance one because those SUCK. I wouldn't bring up the previous "breakup" because it might make him feel worse by feeling stupid or something, so just end it on something like that but that you individuals can stay friends. (If you want)
Hope this helps~
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