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What is the best way to handle this guy?
I've been talking to this guy I met about 2 months ago, Im 24 he's 25. We've met up maybe 3 times, he's really busy so we meet up when we can. Most of our relationship was through texting, and it was fun. When we did meet up it was effortless and comfortable and it got a little hot too. The first week we started talking I got this weird vibe that something was off so I told him I needed a break from texting almost every hour of everyday, not long after we picked back up where we left off, no problems, and I apologized for being cautious. The other two times that we hung out followed after that, and from my view it was perfect, we connected, he was very affectionate, but then the last time we hung out we were making out and before he left he got very distant. As he was leaving he gave me a hurried kiss on the cheek and all but ran out the door. The next day I asked him what was up, and all the sudden he told me he wasn't ready for a deep/steady relationship. He said I was cool to hang out with, beautiful, sweet, funny etc. he told me he had got out of a long relationship about 3 months ago. So I said I understood and I wished him the best because he told me he didnt want to lead me on so he wanted to cut ties right then and there. So we did. Until two days later when he text me sayin he misses talking to me. I responded saying I missed it as well and he asks if we can start talking again. Of course I really like this guy so I said yes, but then he immediately responded with "Well I don't want to lead you on, I still dont want a relationship, but I don't just want sex either." Also he made it very clear any time we would hang out would be by his choice, not mine. I couldn't believe it so I told him as nicely as I could "I may like you a lot but I deserve more than you can offer me right now." He seem to take it fine telling me that he understood and it was asking a lot from me and if I ever needed anything to let him know. So now I feel stuck, I know I'm not going to get the relationship I want from him, but I like him enough to actually miss him and want him in my life. Do I just suck it up and count this as a loss, realizing that he may not even want me at all? Or wait for him to maybe one day want the same thing I do?
Sorry for the long question.
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Do actually you want him as a friend?
The two of you have never discussed what a friendship might look like. It's always been about friendship+sexual+romantic but totally not serious. Are you interested in a friendship? Do you think he is? Do you think he's capable of a platonic friendship? Are you?
If you actually want him as a friend, go ahead and contact him. However, if your hope is that you if you just hover around he'll changes his mind one of these days, then don't. Never do that. Save yourself that waste of energy, time and hurt feelings. It's not really a friendship if you are just sitting there hoping for something more and the likelihood of that happening is near zero anyways.
In your shoes, I'd let this one go completely. He may have done the right thing by being honest with you, but the situation he suggested - where whatever the two of you would do depended entirely on his convenience - isn't a very friendly or respectable way to operate. A guy who tried to get that sort of arrangement would strike me as very immature and inexperienced. A guy with more experience, would understand there need to be more back and forth and dialogue than that, even in casual relationships. Casual relationships still require effort, communication, and respect.
Don't wait for him, and don't pine for him. He hasn't expressed an interest in you as a friend, or as a girlfriend. The sanest thing to assume is that he's not that into you. Into you enough for casual hookups on his schedule, but not into you enough to make time for you as a friend, or as a possible romantic partner.
A guy who wont make time for you as a friend, or as a causal hookup, either genuinely doesn't have any time in his life for a new person, or is a guy who hasn't learned to be respectful of all the women in his life - not just his girlfriend.
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YOur question was long enough to give good detail. Heres what I am sensing by what you said. Either a couple scenerios here. The biggest change came after you had sex. So it could mean that if he isn't wanting sex anymore that he likes you as a friend, or one can feel love at that level and get their emotional needs met. However a long term couples love relationship needs two things to really survive or make it without being rocky and unfulfilling in some way. A person has both emotional and sexual needs to be met. Some people end up long term or married to someone who is only their best friend and supplies the emotional needs or only their lover but not best friend and supplies only their sexual needs. In either scenerio, the relationship is off balance. One partner or the other will end it or go elsewhere outside the relationship to get either need met.
SO if he checked out the sexual side and realized you couldn't make a mate for him but he stills loves you as a best friend, thats fine, as long as you don't expect him to fulfill that other side and as long as he has no problem with you still looking for a man in whom you can get both needs met to becomed involved with or married to.
Perhaps he has a secret he's keeping and thought better of it than telling you for fear of losing your friendship. Perhaps he is one of the alternative genders, whether gay, or a-sexual and simply feared losing you if you didnt get sex at some point so pushed himself to try and discovered he couldn't handle it. He would then be afraid of losing you cus he loves you as a best friend over this situation. If you think you can handle that if that is indeed the case, have a good talk with him and bring it up. If all he wants is to remain best friends, and you're willing then go for it. However you make sure he understands you will still be looking for your life partner to marry and have kids with and of course that person then takes a higher priority in your life and so you'd have less time to spend with him than you do now but it won't change you still being friends. If he can handle that, great. If he can't, then sadly you'd need to leave him behind and move on. Of course these are just my guesses and there may be another reason, you just have to ask him and he needs to be honest.
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