|
We have swapped and now for me its more than just sex Did i cross the line?
Ok so me and my husband swap partners. but its my first time and his. but here's the twist It's his dad and stepmother were swapping with. Me and her are bisexuals and weve messed around too. But now I think ive got feelings for his dad. Plus we all just did the swap once so far but before that night was planned I had sex with his dad twice beforehand when I was drinking with them. but now me and his dad kiss each other secretly goodbye and makeout and tell each other I love you and I really mean it. And its almost like he's hypmotized me with his gorgeous brown eyes which my husband also does to me. So do I just go along with the swapping like nothing or tell my husband the truth and get divorced and stay out of his dad and stepmoms relationship too. Because he wanted to do this so I had someone to give me attention because he is in to much pain or too busy. so he said to try this out. Please if you comment try to be open minded don't go all religious or be vulgar in your advice thanx!!
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
This is the problem with swinging. Yes we tell ourselves this is just recreational sex, fucking not love making. Then something happens and you're making love. In this situation not only can two family be ruined you could ruin your husband's relationship with his father.
Do you tell your husband about your feelings for his father. I can't really say one way or another. You could be miss reading his father's intentions. His father may just really enjoy having sex with you, a younger woman. As an older man I can see him becoming infatuated with you as sex with you I'm sure is much different then sex with his wife. You will understand this better in about 20 years when sex becomes more intimate with your husband and positions become more relaxing. You have sex for the sheer pleasure it brings and less for the positions or acrobatics you may enjoy now.
What I suggest is you tell your husband that you stop swinging with his father and stepmother. Maybe you stop swinging altogether or you find a swap group where you are less likely to swap with the same person each time and form relationships.
I have no problem with couples who wish to extend their sex life with swapping or even having open marriages. You need to be secure in your relationship with your spouse to do so and not be one to fall in love easily. sex is se and making love is making love. The mechanics of the act are the same, it is the intimacy of the act that is different. If you can't separate the two you should not be swapping.
]
Wow your in a sticky one arent you?
I have to completely agree with dragonfly here.
Not only that but did it HAVE to be your inlaws that you guys picked to do this with?? i mean honestly, they are the LAST people that should be included in the equation here simply because you have to see them for holidays and MANNNN if things went sour because of all of this.....WOOO! that could make things awkward on soooo many levels i dont even know where to begin to start on that one.
I also feel that this is not appropriate i mean to swing with people you dont know or with other friends who are NOT your inlaws is one thing but this just complicates things on so many different levels.
Even if you were and ARE perfectly ok with it. in laws are just a no no. just have to put that out there.
Everything else i totally agree with dragonfly you need to talk with your husband and put a stop to the inlaw mixing asap.
]
You want opened minded, well except for the part of swapping partners being the parents, I have done the swapping both first in swinging, and later on in polyamory. This isn't about crossing a line that is a no-no. This is about all consenting adults choosing to participate in a very different sexual experience. They may like it, may not, or problems can arise at some point later. The main thing is that ground rules are set up ahead of time and they adher to it strictly, and use extremely good and thorough communication.
I will share from my experience to back up what I am saying here. Going into this, both partners must be wanting to, no one reluctant. If you change your mind along the way and end it and say no, No means no. No argument about it. Couples have rules about safe words that mean stop now. Rules about safe sex and wearing condoms, rules about the core relationship coming first...that means you and husband are the core relationship, and if you swapped regularly with 3 others couples, they are all secondary in importance. If a partner no longer wants to swap, even if the other doesnt want to stop, they stop. The rules go on. I suspect you only talked about agreeing to do it but never gave any rules a thought or the greatest rule right after swapping, having a haeart to heart talk with partner and discussing what went down, not nitty gritty sexual moves and techniques, but whether the other is following rules your partner assumes they are doing and if not, then you have a talk with the other couple and tell them for what reason you are breaking off the swapping agreement. You talk to let your partner know how you are feeling and how it concerns you. When ever there are feelings of guilt or jealousy, all swapping must discontinue until the couple with issues can talk thru them and come to a place of understanding in their mind. These feelings you are having right now are not uncommon. when it occurs in a swinging relationship, it breaks up marriages. When it occurs in polyamory, it for the most part doesn't, its rare. But then again there are very few people who don't have problems with jealousy.
You may think none of this helps you or pertains. But it all actually does. the more knowledge and explanation you have from me, the easier it will be to decide what to do. So I will start with the difference between the two forms of swapping.
Swinging is all just about the sex only with others so if feelings develop, most married couples where one is feeling so enamored of the sex with or starting to feel something more than just a friends with benefits type of connection, the partner gets jealous and they pull out of the scene for a while and never go back to the couple that there was a problem with. You cant avoid seeing this particular couple as its family members. But the usual response of couples to cut off the swapping to maintain the integrity of their marriage is the smarter choice and I would guess once you have a good talk with hubby, he'll see that as the wise choice. Couples acted friendly toward us but pretty much avoided us when one or the other got attached to strongly to me or my husband. One of the most basic of rules is open communication, no hiding or keeping secrets. If you can't bear to tell hubby, then best to say you will no longer participate and ask that you both stop. However, I doubt he'll go for that without wantin to know why.
I can only share with you the pro's and con's of swapping, not just from my perspective but from the many other couples we've talked to in depth who'd been involved longer than I. I did this with the ex. Some couples go into it with a marriage that has problems thinking it will be fixed by doing this, that extra 'spice' that livens things up between them. Well, I suppose for older married couples, most all were out of child bearing years, late 30s and much older, into late 60s early 70s. So here's what I have learned. I for one was sexually mismatched with my husband but we wanted to remain together for the kids. Going into this was his idea, a way to get his sexual needs taken care of. Initially I said no and he asked if I would allow him to go as a single then. I gave it some thought and then thought, heck...he is gonna have all the fun and I still sit home with my needs unmet, no way. That was before we realized how big an impact swinging can have on marriages. Basically, if there are any problems in your marriage with your husband, swapping will bring it to light, even if you didnt know the problem existed before. So if you both have poor communication or distrust between you, that will become obvious, if one is okay with but settled for less when it came to a sex partner and lover with their mate, that will very quickly become obvious. I was a virgin when I married, so no sexual experience with others before my mate. So for me, experiencing sex with other men, all of it was better than my own husband, not that I developed feelings for them but it become very clear that we were a sexual mismatch from the get go, differing libidos, no chemistry. Never once did hubby look at me with desire in his eyes. It was just the sex act and I never had orgasms with him but did with almost every man I was with. Over time, I had an opportunity to sense, feel with a few men, only 3 out of dozens, a particular thing missing with hubby, a connection at an energy level which took sex to a whole new level for me. I knew what I wanted now and having a marriage that was troubled in many other ways, I for the first time realized that I was with the wrong person. This is neither a good thing nor bad thing, it is a part of a person learning and growing as a human. It is knowledge gained and once you have more knowledge, it is easier to make a fully responsible decision. I wont go into explaining what jealousy is but if you want to know in regards to the situation, write to my columm and ask your question from there.
Now on to polyamory. Some people who were polyamourous also attended a swing club so thats where we heard of it. We found a few couples we liked enough to want to spend time doing stuff besides sex with. Like going to a show, on a hike, to dinner at each others house so there was a friendship too. The only thing missing was love. But few swingers wanted to get that close as it put them all that much closer to the possibility of falling in love with another instead of their mate, or in love with two at the same time!!. We researched on the internet and found where the local polyamorists hung out socially and began to show up and ask questions. It was a strange thing to observe for example a man with a woman at either side of him and paying attention equally to both and kissing both of them. there was no way to know which one was his wife and which was his poly love. It was the same of one woman paying attention to two men. Or the couple attending might be there without their marriage partners. You couldnt assume a couple was married. And some had several partners, all whom shared love connections. It was more about relating the same way as you do with your mate, only multiplied several times. Even in polyamory, I saw several poly relationships break up but strangely not the marriages...that relationship was the core one and was very strong, it had to be in this arena. Whatever you have with your partner is multiplied many fold with any extra relationships. So if you have a well balanced relationship, no problems elsewhere. If your marriage has issues, or you two battle any basic relationship issues and haven't matured or perfected it, then it will be multiplied and even worse in poly relationships. SO this isn't for the timid, if you have problems in relating to your partner, such as keeping secrets from him, that problem gets worse the more people you do this with. I hope you see this. Looking back, I realized, even in swinging type swapping the same was happening, issues between two married people were brought into the open simply by swinging.
In your case, sounds like you were ripe for this to happen. If I understood right that is, with hubby not having enough time for you or not being present emotionally for you. This doesn't mean that swapping was the problem, it only brought to light the problem and it may not be entirely clear yet what the problem is. But you need to have a heart to heart talk with your husband. There's no way around this. If he can't accept that he is part of the problem and wants to lay all the blame on you, then perhaps you will end up breaking up. If he is however willing to listen and realizes that this has only happened because he has neglected you, then if both of you still love each other, the next step would be marriage counseling. Now, lets say you say nothing and continue on. Does that solve your problem, problem being having a partner who doesnt meet your needs? While in polyamory there's such a thing as triads where a person of one sex has their marriage partner and another and all three live happily ever after together with no one feeling jealous or left out. Do you really think Father in law's 2nd wife is going to feel good about allowing her husband to satify ALL your sexual and emotional needs especially if feelings have developed for both of you. In her mind, unless he's a widower, its more likely he divorced the original wife. Watching this unfold will make her wonder if she'll soon be kicked out the door and he makes you his third wife. Thats how people think, very possessively in these situations if they have no previous experience and are just starting to explore without any rules or guidelines. So saying nothing only delays the inevitable...so gee, that means you get some good sex for however long till it falls apart, or you can bring it up, and either find a fix to your marriage or he divorces you and you are free to find someone who is a better match for you who will not neglect you.
]
More Questions: |