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My husband and porn.
I have never had a problem with my husband watching porn. We have watched it together multiple times. Recently though, we were having sex and he was haveing trouble staying hard. He blamed it on being to hot, but that has never been a problem before. Afterwards he went to take a shower, with his phone, "for music" , but when he came out and I hit the home button twice, there was porn up. I feel helpless, betrayed, and jealous. Oh and to beat it all it was porn about step sisters and brothers, and he has a step sister, who I believe is more attractive than me, and we were seperated for about two months a while back and he lived with his step siblings. They were "rumors" of the two sleeping together, which they both denied. Some body please tell me I'm not crazy for feeling hurt?!
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The issue is not the porn or what he may or may not have done with cousins or anything else outside of him, its what is going on in his mind.
Our mind is actually the greatest sex organ we have. Without our mind contributing during sex, it falls flat, we lose ability for our body to get aroused, the man doesnt get hard or stay hard (if there are none of the contributing issues Adviceman mentioned) and women don't get wet or have orgasms. I'm a very sexual person myself, now in fifties and though I've had great sex, both my husband and I have had periods of time where for each of us, our minds disengaged for various reasons. So I had times I couldn't orgasm when I could before and he couldn't get hard though he felt desire and want of me. So I am coming at this at if there are none of the previous mentioned contibuting issues. Hubby is now having problems with consistently getting getting or staying hard. We do various things that help. I have a couple of female friends who are very open at sharing things of a sexual nature. If its not a matter of him having trained his mind to respond sexually to only one type of fantasty, then your husband can learn to be aroused by other means. But the two of you have to talk, both admit it is happening and then decide to do whatever you can to enjoy each other and satisfy each other without him becoming or staying hard. Its more often than not that hubby goes soft while we're having intercourse. If he could swithc his focus from getting his own release to focusing on you, the moment his mind is no longer focused on the problem of not being erect, your mind is released to find a way to make it happen again. Otherwise the stress and worry will kill it. One thing the female can do is what one friend called 'fluffing up the penis', all she did was need to give oral sex to his flaccid penis and from others have told me, this is one of the biggest ways that help. There's something about a female wanting to pleasure him still hard or not this way that helps. It helps if he focus's on just the sensations for him without you pressureing him to get hard and finish off, as that again, will kill it. If he can learn to enjoy just the pure sensual feelings and you enjoy giving them to him, within no time, he can grow hard again. the amount of time he stays hard can vary. Lasting rest of the night, or fade after several minutes and having to repeat the processs. I've done it many times. It also helps if you can learn to use your vaginal muscles to squeeze him on demand. As you wish it, squeeze often and while in you, that goes a long way on occasion to keeping him hard longer. On days where there are other factors like stress or little sleep, we may give up on that and he focus's on pleasuring me with toy or his fingers which I also like.
On days when I dont want that and just want to feel him, we take turns laying atop of each other, skin to skin and imagine an energy extension of ourselves reaching into the other giving the sensation of having sex. It didnt work as well as first but since we've taken to the practice of doing that more since his problem of staying hard has occurred more often, we try for daily such contact or at least every other day. the saying of 'use it or lose it' does apply to some extent here. We have been both pleasantly surprised to discover that we both can feel an energy version of his penis in me while his real one is flaccid and we move as if he was actually erect and still both experience orgasms, how...I dont understand how it works but we've both also practiced some of our other senses beyond the physical ones, and so due to having greater sensory skills in some areas that overlapped into spiritual areas as well, it was easier for us to focus on using our energies. I have watched a video that explains and gives examples of what tantric sex is like and though our methods of using energy are different, i believe we get the same results, of enjoying great pleasure because our minds are being retrained to rely on something other than the purely physical sensations of actual penis in vagina, mutual masturbation or oral sex to get there. We still have both but this is so rewarding for us. Wish I knew about this earlier.
Crazy isn't what I'd use to validate what emotions person feels. It depends more on what they choose to believe which is in turn guided a particular way by negative thoughts or dwelling on actual negative provable events. Its the focus and worry and concern that brings in the not so nice emotions. So you have to stop thinking about this as thinking and worrying about it will not solve the problems you both have. However both having honest, open heart to heart talks will.
We have even had talks where the husband wants to know if I am tempted to want to get my sexual needs met by some guy who can perform without issues, as he would understand if I wanted to. However, in trying to picture myself going to some guy I don't love just for the sex, I know it would also fall flat. I've had sex in my past just for the sake of having sex, no love involved and it pales in comparison to having sex with love. I am not willing to leave him over something like this or use another just for sex. This is a situation of "for better or worse" and I love him to much to even consider doing that. I would rather focus together with him on what we can do to find things that work for us. What works for you will be entirely different.
What the other advicegiver said about fantasy about different sexual relatiionships being so erotic for many is true. Even tho in real life we may never consider it. Even some women find the idea of fantasizing a man taking her by force, raping her to stimulate her mind with her mate, she would never want to experience the same in real life. Same for men. Many have a wish to be the little boy again and have mom help him discover his sexuality, even more so for those in real life whose hormones came in much earlier or who were mesmerized at grade school age already by the form of the mature female body and all the mature women when you're little are moms and grandmothers. He wouldn't in real life have been able to do such a thing with mom but even my husband loves the fantasy of being his young self again. I don't have to do anything differeent but call him son as we make love to reinforce his fantasy in his mind and we've done various situatins and created different characters in our minds. Its all a mental thing but it heightens the excitement and abilitys and I swear to you without him telling me if he's in his mind switched to another character, I can immediately feel the difference in how he's making love, right in the middle of it and when i say, oh so ad so is here now making love to me, right? I nail it every time. I can actually feel the difference so it becomes more than a mental trick but what both of us feel are indeed different and the changed of pace of having several lovers all in one, very exciting and this seems to go a long way in helping his stay hard. Not 100% cure but its a heck of a lot fun and enjoyment. So talk to each other.
The only situation where all of this won't work is if he has fallen out of love with you. Which I dont think is the issue or he wouldn't be wanting to have sex and do the only things he can think of to get hard for you. Whether his methods work or not, its leaving you out of the picture to help him. You need to realize that a big part of a mans identity in being male is tied to sex, as well as being a good provider. Its what makes him feel male. So loss of job can crush a man and make him worry of his woman seeing him as less than a man. the same in sex. If there are any problems for him, he may think you see him as less of a man and be afraid to let you know that he lives with this fear. If you love him despite the current issue and it doesnt change how you find him a wonderful male, then tell him. He needs to admit his worries, and you need to build him up verbally. When he knows he has your support regardless of his issue, he will feel more comfortable in doing whatever it takes to have a healthy and enjoyable sex life with you.
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Not knowing either of you and from the little you wrote it is hard to say one way or another what may be the problem here. As for feeling hurt you may or may not be crazy.
The fact that you found porn on his phone after his shower does not mean he used the porn for self-gratification in the shower. Questions.
1. Did you hear the music playing?
2. Was his shower longer than one he would normally take?
As for having trouble staying hard. It happens to almost all men at one time or another. Overwork, stress, tiredness, over the counter medications, blood pressure medications all play a role in erectile dysfunction.
As to the type of porn you found him to be viewing. This does not easily explain away given what you feel may have happened between him and his sister. Though this type of porn could also be a titillating fetish for him. Sex between siblings and parents is a very popular fantasy and fetish fantasy as well. There is a lot of fictional literature written on the subject.
First answer the questions I asked. Based on the answers you get I believe you will find the answer to your question. Once you have the answer you can then decide on what path if any you wish to take.
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Ok, lets try to brake this down one issue at a time here.
Thats great that your willing to even let him watch porn period. alot of women wont do that and if thats what he likes and it serves a purpose for the two of YOU then theres nothing wrong with it.
You didnt state how old you are here or how long youve been together either so its hard to gauge the whole situation with him being too hot. Theres nothing THAT off about someone saying they need air to function. lol.
Sometimes when people have been together for along time, their sex lives change in certain ways. Sometimes they go from having sex more to less often, or vice versa. Or they role play because its helps them or they increase foreplay. These are all normal things.
The fact that he had porn on his phone doesnt sound OFF because you said yourself that your OK with him watching porn right. But i DO see the concern with you thinking that he might have had sex with his step sibling.
Maybe you could CALMLY sit down with him and have a REAL one on one conversation about this, pretend like your just concerned because this could really effect things later down the line in his life and his life is what you care about the most so you just want to make sure that he feels he can tell you anything. see how sweet and concerned that sounds?? ; )
Now if he tells you he did, your immediate reaction needs to NOT be overly emotional, that can come later. What needs to happen is you need to stay calm and ask him "how this happened" and get the full story first before you go off on him. Stay totally poker faced dont freak out just LET him talk.
You can calmly make your feelings known, that your not ok with this but that your willing to handle this like adults. THEN decide what you want to do. He may not have felt it was that wrong because their not related by blood but it doesnt make it any less improper, and will mess with the family dynamic. you can tell him that, and that in the future there could be alot of awkwardness and everyone will wonder why, and it will complicate things.
maybe if he hears that your concerned for him and his family then he will open up to you and realize what he did. Sometimes people need to hear things out loud in order to realize how wrong it is instead of just hearing it in their own head.
It doesnt matter if shes prettier than you, he might have potentially just screwed up his whole family by making things really complicated because she will always be a step sibling and they'll have to see each other at family gatherings weather your there or not. Its considered borderline incest to most people because your not supposed to look at each other like that so if thats what their doing then their the sick ones not you and i would get away from it because it will always bother you if it is true.
good luck. stay calm. yelling and getting upset wont help the situation.
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