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Stress stress stress
It seems like my life is a big ball of stress. I'm often angry or annoyed, but still have plenty of happy times. I have headaches a lot, and I cut. Mostly when I'm stressed or mad. Also times when I'm sad. I don't use a knife tho, I use a fingernail file that has a piece of loose metal sticking out. I did lots of research on what I could be experiencing, but nothing seems to help. I seem to experience stress a lot, and am always getting into fights with my sister or other family members and it makes me want to break down sometimes. Last week I left marks on my leg after getting upset with my sister, and today they were almost gone, and me and my dad had a fight and I started crying and cutting myself in my room, opening the cuts right back up. I've only ever told one person about this, but she is an actual happy and carefree person, so she can listen, just not understand. I know one person who will understand but I won't see her till next month. I keep going on and off about whether or not I may be depressed, but don't feel comfortable talking about it with someone I don't completely trust. I Do sleep a lot usually at night, but I also workout and not sad all the time. I think of suicide sometimes even though I'm not gonna try it and I let my thoughts and emotions get the best of me. I get annoyed easily, and just experience anger. I seem to get stressed very easily and quickly too, and it causes me to lose control and experience all these crazy emotions. And no, it hasn't just been a passing thing either. Seems to be my life. Before I do something about it, how do I find out why I'm going through all this? I know people who get stressed, and believe me, the way I think and act isn't normal. Sometimes I just can't control it. Does anyone know a site I can use to find out more about this?
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While it may be that the cause is hormonal or some other body chemistry thing, its also possible that its just mental. Its also possible that you are bipolar. I dated someone bipolar and they would be really nice and happy at times. Other times she became very depressed and wanted to die. Other times she would freak out and be very aggressive. There's a bipolar documentary on youtube, check it out. Maybe some of these people sound like you, maybe they don't.
We live in a world full of good and bad. Unfortunately, its way easier to focus on the bad. This causes stress and the more you focus on the bad, the more stress it causes and the easier it is to focus on the bad. and so on, until you can't take anymore and it explodes out of you. Like when you wake up "on the wrong side of bed". Then you're much more likely to focus on the bad for the rest of the day, or at least a while.
Stress comes from wishing things/people/situations were different. Noone ever got stressed from getting what they want or for things working out for them. (unless they feel they don't deserve these good things, then that will give them stress) Acceptance of "what is" is key to, not overcoming stress, but letting go of it. Being ok that this or that happened and being ok with how things are. This is why some people freak out over things while others couldn't care less. Its not the thing that happened, its what you THINK of them, when you think it means. I've seen people freak out, destroy things, get in fights because they lost at a videogame. People lose all the time, but not everyone reacts like that.
There is also this part of people that LIKES being in pain. I was very depressed once and I hit myself. HARD. Several times. I felt that I deserved it and found some strange relief from it. This is what Eckhart Tolle talks about in his book "The power of now". Which I highly highly recommend. So he calls it "the pain body". It wants pain and drama. It feeds off it. So there's a part of us that craves drama. Its very smart and very tricky and knows how to get what it wants from you. It possesses you when you lash out. That's why sometimes after lashing out, it feels like you weren't your normal self. Cause you weren't, it was the pain body taking over. When it happens, you are not aware of it of course. You are not conscious of your behavior or actions.
One great way to deal with emotions is to explain them as they are happening. Meaning, telling them. "The way you are being towards me is not cool and it makes me feel this way or that way." Explaining your emotions, not expressing them. I know it sounds dumb, but it works. I've done it myself. Someone acted a certain way towards me that made me angry. I felt the rage coming up. But I noticed it and decided to try and explain it. Just to see what happened. To my surprise, my rage faded pretty quickly as soon as I explained it. The other person apologized for being an a-hole.
Here is the link to the bipolar documentary. Its mostly people who have it, explaining what its like. I finally understood why my girlfriend at the time acted the way she did. You say how you think and act, aren't normal and that sometimes you can't control it. They say similar things. Worth checking out. [Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
And here is the "power of now" audiobook. Everyone who lives stressed out should listen to it. Its very practical and simple and can help you find peace from the constant bombardment of the mind. [Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
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First of all none of us are doctors so we can't offer you any clinical diagnoses. What I can tell you is that your feeling of depression is correct, having dealt with clinical depression myself. Some of the things you listed as how you feel or experience, the fighting, the stress you feel and especially the cutting are all symptoms of depression.
Stress is part of the cycle of depression. As stress causes pain, both mental and physical pain. Pain causes depression and depression causes stress. It continues in a cycle until you break the cycle. Unfortunately this cycle is not something easily broken by yourself; it takes the help of professionals.
The first thing you need to do is see your family doctor and be properly diagnosed. Make an appointment for a complete physical. You will need one anyway to rule out any physical reason for why you are feeling this way. While you're with the doctor ask to be screened for depression. The screening is painless and consists of the doctor asking you a series of questions. Based on your answers the doctor can make a diagnoses.
Based on this diagnosis the doctor can best determine which of the other doctors or professionals are best capable of helping you and will set up a treatment plan.
Most people suffer from what is called clinical depression. At your age you may be suffering from teenage depression which is similar but more caused by puberty. Both are hormone driven in that you are lacking certain hormones to control stress and depression. Simple drug therapy with counseling to determine what your triggers are for stress and to help you cope better are the usual treatment.
I believe, from looking back at older questions you have asked, that you are old enough that you do not need parental permission to see a doctor.
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