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I'm obsessively judgmental about this
My brother is getting serious about a woman who was recently divorced and I just saw on Facebook she still was in a 9 year marriage when they started dating 2 years ago. She and her ex had many young kids; this affair broke up their family. I asked if the ex husband did anything wrong and my brother said no, and the kids love and miss their dad and are clearly hurting.
Before I saw that on the timeline, I already butted in and said something about the fact that 67% of stepfamilies divorce and how our stepdad and mom were in the 33% who stayed married and it was even more miserable than if they had quit. I wanted him to be prepared for a difficult journey.
She does not seem equipped for difficulty. She's obsessed with romance and out of touch with reality. She claims to be deeply religious, as her ex husband was also, but my brother is agnostic. They've been dating long distance. She has no job or money and she dresses her kids in designer clothes. She encouraged me and my husband that having a second baby right after we had our son would be "easy because of [our] strong marriage." The newborn stage is never *easy*, and her expectation that it should be struck me as fairy tale nonsense. You can't expect your marriage to fulfill everything for you and not a single one of her choices seems rational. She just quit when she had stronger feelings for my brother.
I love my marriage, but I see the happiness I get as a gift, not something I'm entitled to every moment, and I think what I put into it is what matters more than what I get out. I don't like to spend time with someone who would quit so easily, because I want to surround myself with people who value commitment over horny teenage-style impulses. The kids are going to suffer further when they move to where they can't see their dad where my brother lives, and I've already voiced my opinion, so it's too late to keep it from being awkward. I know family events are going to be strained because she knows I judge her, and I don't know how to make things better for me because I can't see past them being selfish idiots who cause these kids so much pain.
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
I know how much it hurts to see a loved one making bad life decisions, ones harmful not just to themselves but actions that affect others.
I have a family member is such a position. All family have had their say to warn this person and this family member continues to make this very serious bad practice and choices and has now cut off communication with everyone. Changed phone numbers, moved and canceled any social networks they were on via computer. You can still talk to your brother, even if your advice/warning isn't being heeded. try to keep the communicatine lines open instead of saying too much and him cutting you off. You may feel thats meaning-less but not knowing at all if this family member is still alive is killing a part of all of us inside. All you can do is love him unconditionally and watch him make any and all of his mistakes and try to act the unjudgemental person, unbiased and loving no matter your choices. Asking if he's like your take on it or your advice is better than you giving it when he's not ready to hear it. Remember, even Jesus asked people if they truly wanted his help regarding healing. Yes, I am sure he had to as a person not open or willing to receive or even believe, even his powers could not help a person who was being resistant instead of open and wanting. I wouldn't say you are obsessive, you can't have a loving caring heart and not feel so emotionally tied up in knots. Now you have a sliver of knowing what our Creator must feel like, having given us each our own will and now watching so many make great errors, without waking up and seeing the errors of our way. Or those who continuously choose the wrong path on purpose for whatever reasons. All you are left with in this case is to pray. Pray for protection of all innocents involved and pray for God to eventually get through to your brother and change his decisions and mind. He may not know his change in behavior is due to Gods influence on him but he will eventually make changes. I used to be a religious extremist and my younger sister who prayed for me to see the light, was some I thought was wrong back then due to the viewpoints I had that I had chosen, Church views that labeled much of what she believed as evil, of the Devil, practices to be avoided. I was ignorant but eventually God did get through to me gently and in a way that I could accept and be open to. Now I have far surpassed my own sister in what she believes and am actually sharing with and teaching her of things she didn't know. I know its possible for a person to change but she had to wait for decades to see her prayers for me answered and of course there were the things along the way that weren't quite the best for me, my kids, etc.
You'll be tested for the greatest patience you've ever known that you have. Its not easy to want to give up. But I can tell you, I'm glad my sister didn't give up. Even if no one is praying for him, your brother has his angels and god working on him and its slow process you cant see right now and may not happen until some damage has been done.
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You are right, you are being obsessive and judgemental.
It's one thing to be disappointed in your brother, or worried for him. It's another to be laying this kind of judgement on this woman, and on her children.
Even if you are completely, and utterly right about her, the only thing you are achieving by letting yourself fixate in this way, is probably going to be isolating your brother from the love you have for him, and making these children - who are going to be part of your extended family - feel more shame and less welcome than they already do.
Whatever this woman's faults may be. Whatever mistake were made, or are being made. Your judgement doesn't make ANYTHING better. It only makes a world with less love among family members, and less support for those kids. So, suck it up. Not because she deserves it, but because your brother is going to need your support, and those kids will benefit from being warmly embraced by their new extended family. The kids don't need your pity, but they could benefit from your warmth and respect. One of the ways you give that to them, is by respecting, even if you can't possibly agree, the relationship between your brother and this woman.
If it all goes to shit - and you are right it certainly might - you want to know you were kind to everyone involved, even when they weren't kind to one another.
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