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Inexperienced and confused
I'm a 16 y/o, homeschooled, Female from small town USA.
This will hold a lot of info, but I could use some advice.
Basically, I've never had an official 'boyfriend'. I had a guy I talked to and was somewhat 'with' in that regard, but it didn't last very long at all and didn't end the greatest either. Other than that(which was about 2 months or so ago), I had barely ever talked to a guy before (with the exception of my best friend Mia's boyfriends or some people from church that I barely know) never had a crush or anything. Let alone been romantically involved since I'm so shy and don't know many people.
Anyway, a little while after I stopped talking to the other guy, Mia, her boyfriend Dan and his bestfriend Chris(whom I'd met a few times over the last 6 months or so at the time), started to hang out a lot because Mia, Dan and I were on break from school(Chris is graduated). At first it was kinda awkward since the four of us would always squeeze into a 3 person truck and I'm so shy.
But after the second day of us all hanging out we were dropping Chris off and Mia and Dan asked me to give him a hug since he was upset earlier that day, I wouldn't at first but eventually I relented and got out of the truck, went up to him and gave him one.(since then I would/do hug him every time I see him.)
After that I slowly stopped being as shy and one night a few days later we went to see a movie and about halfway through he put his arm around me(after he texted Mia asking if he should because he was nervous, which I thought was adorable, since Mia takes the 'protective older sister' role in my life).
Then it was just plain friends having fun for a few days,(sometime in this he got my number and we would text all the time,and he told me he liked me and I told him I did too). Until around a week or so into this Mia and I got really drunk before seeing them. And while I don't remember much, I remember him having his arm around me and me holding his hand half asleep in Dans truck[which this is slightly unrelated but I also remember Mia having an extremely bad asthma attack and she didn't have a inhaler and Chris helped her and even gave her mouth-to-mouth until we got her one, which immediately made me respect him more]. Then we got to Dans house and after a while we ended up kissing. Nothing more than that though...(though I think it's pretty obvious I'm a virgin and don't plan on loosing it anytime soon) And after that we did one other time a day or so later and since then only maybe a peck on the lips here and there.
But we hung out a bit(never without Mia and Dan close by though, I'll explain why in a bit) and talked still after break was over, at least until I got grounded for two weeks(I got caught drinking, which yes I know I'm a dumbass). Then we stopped texting because my phone was taken away.
We'd snapchat at least a couple times a day though when I could, but I didn't get to see him until I wasn't grounded anymore. And I've notice, the last few weeks, we've been talking less and less, at least, compared to how we used to. We used to snapchat everyday, a lot of the time he'd message me first. But now we do maybe once every few days and I'm usually the only one initiating contact and even then it's just a "hey what's up?" "nothing much" "oh same" type of thing, or like 4 messages total. And haven't texted since I was grounded, which I don't mind not talking everyday, but since I'm so inexperienced with this stuff I keep thinking "what ifs" if you know what I mean. The few times I've seen him it's seemed normal, but it's usually brief and not too often(maybe once a week, if that). So I was hoping someone could help me with what I should do about that...should I keep trying to talk to him? Or just leave it and see if he talks to me? I don't want to bother him, or come off as annoying or anything but I also still want to talk to him...
I guess, I don't know and there are other issues about it though if I do still talk to him. Let's start with, he has gotten charged for sexual relations with a minor(which I don't know the full story but I know that it's more of a misunderstanding type thing, not rape or anything like that and Dan[whom I've known for years and know is a good guy, constantly says Chris is one of the best guys out there he just has had a shitty life]) So because of that I'm not allowed to be alone with him(let alone date him) So if I did, it'd have to be in secret. Which would be hard since my mom's been super suspicious of everything I do and hasn't let me leave as much since I got into trouble.
That along with a few other things(which aren't as serious) and the fact if him and I, or if Mia and Dan broke up it might cause a ton of drama. And with these issues I don't know if I should pursue a relationship with him(right now I don't know if it ever would get to that point) But I don't want to stop talking to him either. He is a really good guy and I do care for him, but I don't know what to do...any advice is greatly appreciated
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Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
I'm with Suzanne on the advice. It may be hard for you to see Chris as just one little fish in the pond and that you'll meet others. But you've got to remember that you've grown up with a pretty sheltered life being home schooled, in that you dont get to experience lots of things that kids who attend HS do. So you're not around many guys on a regular basis and that's enough fuel to get you to want to try first getting beyond your shyness and actually meeting guys so you have a chance for the right one to be interested in return. I can see that. But now Mom catching you drunk has enough reason to watch over you even more closely.
I can't say you wouldn't have taken this path if just a regular High schooler, but kids deprived in some way tend to go whole hog crazy and want a chance to experience everthing they missed so not knowing any cautions from having lived in that alternative type of teen life, they give no thought to if its a good decision or not and just go for whatever appeals to them at the moment. that is not the wisest thing to do.
I'll get to what you are asking in a moment. There is a drinking age set for a reason. Mom may have her own reason. But scientifically, its proven the frontal lobe of the brain doesnt become mature and done growing until age 25 and thats why in most cases one has to wait until 21 to drink. Drugs and alcohol can have effects on the finishing development of the brain and could seriously prevent it from maturing any further. Imagine being a forty yr old with the mentality of a teen. So Mom is right to watch you so close. If you add sneaking behind her back, she'll be hurt as shes trying to protect you as a parent who loved you but under the influence of alcohol, you increase your chances of really f@#king up your life.
Now as to what may be going on with Chris. My educated guess is that whether he really is guilty or not of sexual relations with a minor, he knows seriously what the consequences are were he to try, having experienced them already. It's more than just penis in vagina sex, as far as I've read. If what I have read is correct, anything of a sexual nature, that can lead up to intercourse is also prohibited, so kissing, and touching, mutual masturbation and blow jobs would all count as well. You can still be a virgin and the guy guilty of sexual 'contact' with you the minor.
Chris was likely just riding that intoxicating wave of New relationship energy, its addicting like a drug, it's an overly excited feeling about something new in your life, and pertains to people but also other things one has wanted so badly, toys etc...and once you've gotton so used to, the excitment and newness wears off eventually.
With Chris, he may have felt this addictive, energy and couldn't get enough of you. He knew he was in dangerousy territory to even kiss you. then with the forced break of Moms restrictions, he didn't get to see you enough to keep that energy level going. Time is what will tell if what a person fist felt was the real thing or just an emotional feeling (very drug like) which when it wears off, leave you with nothing. My guess is since things changed after your restrictions, one of two things occurred. He lost his initial interest when the excitement got a chance to die down. trust me hon as someone older who's gone thru this plenty, Even if two people are madly in love, what they feel when the energy dies down is kind of like a let down. The love and excitement you feel later feels some what like a let down compared to the Relating to something New energy. In fact, this is so addicting, this heightened feeling that some people end up dating only until the energy wears off and move on to a new person to get their next "Fix". If that wasn't what is keeping him away, then likely the fact that your mother watches over you this closely means he is more scared of what your mom might dig up on him and being that proactive in your life, could learn easily of what he is doing with you, his interet in you. A kiss is dangerous enough territory for him. So if he's a smart man, he'll avoid you. Problem is, he's not smart enough to communicate to you why he's staying away. If you want him to remain the good guy you say he is, then the most loving thing you could do is let him go for another 2 years until you turn 18, if you both discover you're still single and still interested, you can have an all nighter with him the day you turn 18. For you to insist on pursueing him if he has a true attraction and interest in you for you alone, not just sex, then to tempt him by constantly chasing him is unfair to him. You could ultimately be the reason he ends up spending time in jail. A previous conviction, even if false, is very condemning if he is found to have any sexual contact with you which in two years time until you turn 18, is a very great probability.
My opinion, is you shouldn't pursue a relationship with him. I know it sounds unfair, reason being that plenty of teens are having sex, but in lots of cases, they are both under 18 so there is no one 18 who can go to jail for having sex. Some states do have laws where an underage teen if parents take it to court, can face misdemeanor charges but not get a jail sentence.
Basically, you're in a very odd position of Mia and Dan being your closest if only friends and the fact that Chris hangs with them, means it would be hard to avoid him without avoiding the others. And I already know you won't consider not seeing any of your friends if you have no other social contact. So I guess you'll just have to be on best behavior and treat Chris only as a mutual friend and forgot the fact that there was a romantic attraction between you and do nothing to entice him. Let him decide what he needs to keep the boundaries on his end and honor them, even if it means less to no contact via chat, text, phone, or in person.
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Youre friend Chris sounds like hes got a lot on his mind and a lot on his plate right now and I dont think he is ready for a relationship or ready to devote a lot of time to you.
You can be a friend but I dont think you should invest in this person romantically. He doesnt know what he wants and probably doesnt want things to go any further because he may end up ending things and then youll be hurt.
At 16 and 18 new people are going to come into your lives frequently, and go just as frequent. You shouldnt get yourself stuck on this guy if he is not reciprocating what you want to put into it.
Relationships are 2 way streets and if you are not getting the response you are looking for then move on with your life. He is one little fish in a big ol' pond.
Dont rush after the first available guy just because you want a relationship, it will happen eventually. Anything you have to force isnt worth your time.
Speaking of time, find something more constructive to do other than drinking. Go out and have fun, go to the movies, play miniature golf, go bowling, or have a craft night with the girls. Think of better things to do. Drinking is overrated and will just get you into trouble.
You dont have to do what everyone else is doing, march to the beat of your own drum. Be 16 and do 16 year old things it only happens once.
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