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I feel insignificant
Writing this was actually harder than I thought. My fingers feel almost too heavy just like my entire body. I just... I guess I feel lifeless. Nothing has been mattering to me lately - grades, social life, hygyene, health... nothing. But other times I feel like I'm on top of the world. I'm tired of these moodswings, I just want them to go away. I want everything to go away - so much violence, so much hurt, so much stress, so much failure. I feel like crying right now but I wont. My roommate is sitting right in front of me and I don't want to explain why I'm crying. She's on a completely different level. On a "high of sugar" apparently. I envy her and her happy-go-lucky attitude. Nothing seems to weigh her down. But I'm not like that. I break easily. I get hurt easily. I don't say or show it often, but I do. I should probably stop before I cry. I feel pretty stupid when I cry, which makes me cry even more, and it turns into a vicious cycle. Right now I'm venting instead of telling my problem, but that's it: I don't know what it is. I wonder, would anyone even miss me? I get ignored quite a lot, like today when a friend invited me to hang over, but instead I ended up trying to pretend I was playing with my pone because they were too busy in their conversation. I don't go out a lot. I used to be skinny and I'm gaining weight. I changed from Geology to English just because I can't do math as well as other people. My family is a mess and I can't stand my own father. I used to be in karate last semester but I dropped out this semester and now I feel even more worthless than before... I just... I feel like I could just... disappear and it wouldn't matter, because I'm insignificant. In this big world I'm just another girl, and I'm tired of pretending around others. When I ask others "what should I do?" I get responses that are as superficial as a Barbie doll, so I came to this site hoping that I can get over this... I hate feeling like this.
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Want to answer more questions in the Health & Fitness category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Mental health?
lET ME SAY THAT I ENVY YOU FOR PUTTING YOUR FEELINGS OUT THERE ITS HARD FOR ME TO....
I am feeling the same you are right now .I feel hopeless and like the glow inside of me can only be seen by me . I feel maybe there really is not anything special about me. when people are not caring for you the way you deserve or need them too or your all alone you tend not to care about yourself anymore . sometimes not showering makes you feel closer to yourself and is a way of showing people how you feel on the inside. its kind of like a cry for help because every other way doesn't work. Just because your roommate is high on life doesn't mean you need to hold your tears back if your suffering. your in no position to explain anything and that's all you need to say. just ask them to understand your in pain and you just need them to be by your side right now that's all. it is ok to cry and it is cleansing so remember that!
I am sensitive too but theres nothing that you can do to stop that and its not a bad thing you may just understand things better than others and that makes people sensitive. If you died I really don't know if anyone would miss you because I am not you but I would hope by the sound of if that since you have friends and a roommate you like that they would miss you .They like you a little at least otherwise they would not be around you.
next time your friends are talking to eachother and not you when you are there , please step in and tell them how you feel(not all the time) but every once in awhile . They do think about it even if it doesn't show. they might just get carried away with eachother but they still enjoy your presence remember that!
I cant stand my father either and my family is a mess too so I feel ya there. just because your changing classes and not interested in karate anymore doesn't mean your worthless your just not interested or may not care anymore and its not a bad thing because you will eventually find something that you care about again. "your just growing up and finding yourself and seeing what you can and cannot do (limitations)"
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I'm not a doctor none of are so we cannot make any type of diagnoses. From what you have written it sounds a bit like you could be suffering from bipolar disorder or something very close to it. You definitely sound depressed which is part of the bipolar disorder as well as the stress you say your under.
depression is a cycle type problem as the depression causes pain and the pain causes depression. The difference with clinical depression and bipolar disorder which is a form of depression is you cycle from feeling good, the high, the feeling really bad, the low.
What I suggest is you go to the campus health center and ask to be screened for depression and bipolar disorder. Do I believe you are suffering from bipolar disorder I truly can't say a doctor will have to make that diagnoses. I don't think you are bipolar as there are other symptoms you have not mentioned. But you have hit upon many of the symptoms for clinical depression. Which ones diagnosed is easily fixed.
Young people, especially teenagers in the early stages of puberty and those in the first years of college do find themselves suffering unknowingly from depression and they do not have to. This is a problem that is brought on by the stressors of change and added expectations.
By going and being properly diagnosed a doctor can offer you help.
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