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humorist-workshop
Old feeling coming back
I had bad friends before and I use to be around people who criticize who I was. I also put other people feelings before my own. However, one day I realize that I needed to work on me and make better friends so I let go of people who made me feel insecure about myself. Unfortunately, I had an incident with my friend that trigger me to go back to a bad place. The scenario was simple: We went shopping and she persisted I try on an outfit and I became upset because her assisting that I wear more brighter clothes meant she was trying to change me. I was basically telling her that her changing my sense of style felt like a personal attack but she did not see it that way. She explained that when she went shopping with other friends they suggested different outfits and explain her intention was not to upset me. I used to be someone who does not stand up for themselves but now I am wondering I am becoming to defensive? Are these just suppressed feelings coming from the past and it triggered an overreaction. I just know I don't want to repeat the same mistake and that is why I am being vocal about my feelings and communicating it to my friend. Any other perceptives?
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Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
I, like you had to learn to speak up for myself and not allow someone else to make decisions for me or insist on convincing me to do otherwise than I wished.
I found myself in situations like you, whether I wondered if it was an issue of someone critical, a personal attack, controlling behavior or so on. Or whether I was only perceiving it as such when that wasn't the intention on another persons heart or mind.
So what helps? I learn to always place my self in the other persons shoes. In your scenerio, I would have been thinking it out this way, I find neutral colors fit into more situation better than many colorful items, I prefer them simply cus its my taste and I find my friends choices of outfits at the store to be too garish for my taste, and I think she'd come off as too much kidlike and not as professional and grown up so if I told her that perhaps these neutral colors would be better and pick some out for her based on my point of view of just trying to be helpful, that would be a good thing I am doing in my mind. Will she see it that way though? Probably not.
I had a daughter as a teen who chose no color of clothing other than blue. She wore nothing else literally and I did ask her why, its her favorite color, I suggested then, what do you think of adding in other colors just in small amounts, accents like jewelry or socks, a belt, and she just shut me out. When a person had their mind made up about something they like or believe in, there's no one in the world that can change it for them except themselves. I realize in the long run, wearing blue only wasn't going to harm my daughters wellfare. When she as a college ager, showed up one day to visit spouting a brow piercing she just got and telling me about a job interview coming up, I only told her to be prepard that some employers may have a particular dress code in which that isn't acceptable and a closed minded one may instantly cross her off their list even if she is the best choice to hire, rather than to mention it to her. She felt is wasnt a problem. Couple days later, she told me she got the job but was asked to not wear the piercing so she took it out after wearing only a week or so and never wore one again. there are times when you can pass on helpful information but not all people think of that as when I mentioned what I did to the daughter without trying to convince her to take out the piercing. Some people haven't learned how to present their ideas and reasons for their suggestions. Suggestions are more welcome if asked for than when just offered when not asked. But people being humans, we mess this up all the time. It wasn't til later in life I finally figured it out and have done so correctly from this point on. My children are adults, i can no longer mother them but I can offer to be their sounding board with suggestions. So I mention I have an opinion or suggestion to their situation, would they like to hear it, if they say no, unless their life is not in any immediate perceived danger, I say nothing.
So long story short, are you maybe a bit defensive...yes. Was she right in how she approached you? It wasn't the best way to offer, she could have said, I have some comments or opinions on your choices, would you like to hear them? This is something we hopefully learn to do better as we mature as adults. Did you respond correctly? You had a right to stand up for yourself but it could have been done with more tact and thats where you messed up. To tell someone it felt like a personal attack was in effedt use of vinegar rather than honey to come to a solution.
Next time if there is one, where someone suggests you try something, even a certain food and keeps insisting when you at first refuse, may have difficulty explaining themselves. Be patient, take a deep breath. then ask them why they really believe this choice is better for you. they may have a valid reason. What if she's a good sense of color of clothing compared to our skin and hair coloring and certain shades would bring more attention to you than your outfit, a better fit. Its possible. Or maybe subconsciously the style and cut was better for you, not the colors. Or its possible they are very biased based on their own likes. Its always good to try and be the more mature person and ask first. If their answer still doesnt convince you have you've given their reasons a listen. Thank them genuinely for being so concerned for you as a friend, it makes you feel really special. However, this happens to be your taste and you're sticking to it. If a person persists beyond this point and starts really badgaring you, they are completely out of line and deserve what you say next which isn't nasty, just asserting yourself as you wish to do as the new you. You say, "Look, I'm trying to be nice about this. I like you as a friend but not how you are treating me. So here's a rule I expect you to follow. If I want your suggestion on something, I will ask for it genuinely, if I do not, I won't appreciate any further unsolicited advice, and stop associating with you until you can comply with my wishes.
This is definitely a line drawn in the sand. You set the border of what you will tolerate or not.But it need not be your first response. try 1st to see where they're coming from, discuss why its so important to them and then if they persist after you've told them your standpoint with consideration to not make them feel chastised like a child, it is then appropriate to stand up for yourself. I know you can do it. It takes time for all us to learn to interact with others this way and is a much more successful way to navigate through life and relating to people than any other way. good luck and don't stop being assertive and standing up for yourself. Theres just a better way to do it. Good luck.
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