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Heartbroken
My boyfriend of almost 2 years, would've been two on April 11th, broke up with me about a week and a half ago. He said that he still loves me and cares about me and wants to be with me but he said he needs time to think about his feelings. He said that he has been feeling unhappy for the past couple of months and he feels like he isn't 100% into our relationship as I am and he says that it isn't fair to me. We still talk about every day and we have seen each twice since the break up and we end up having sex when we do see each other. I'm completely confused and heartbroken about the whole thing because he says he loves me but yet he is putting me through all of this pain and he said he is doing it to make "us" work. He said it is very hard to explain and I just want to know what to do. I'm tired of being confused and I'm feeling very depressed because we have talked about getting married within the next year or two. Please Help 23/f. I have dated other guys before him and one was for 2 years and that one ended very bad. I'm just so crushed and confused because I love him so much and don't want to throw away the past two years.
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Is okay to feel heartbroken. B you must realize that when a y ends a relationship like that he usually leaves you thinking of eeverything you did wrong,when in reality you were the best. Go out and have some fun. Connect with your friends and family. Do your hair n wear some bright colors. dont be down in the dumps,even if ur forcing it. It will take time but you'll get there. Trust me,i sufferrd my lost of my first love for years.dont let him think he has the upper hhand. If he cant work fo you,fire him! ;)
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I had a similar problem with a relationship quite a few years ago. I'm married now with a wonderful man. From my past relationships compared to my marriage, there is a HUGE difference. In your case, I think it's good that he has been honest with you about his true feelings. I believe that does mean he cares about you to show you the respect to be honest with you.
He seems to be confused himself, and may need more time to deal with his feelings. I also think it's good that he's willing to be still a friend to you. From my own experience, I would suggest eliminating the sexual relationship you are still having with him. Continuing to do so can cause more mixed emotions and confusion. If you're both willing, I think it would be wise to just stay friends. That gives you both time to think and work through your true feelings, but without the complication of sex. Another benefit I've learned from having a platonic friendship, is that it could/will strengthen your relationship.
Going through anything like this is always hard, and painful. If you both still want to be in each other's lives, I'd suggest keeping the friendship and seeing where it takes you. Doing this also gives you time to help focus on yourself and healing from the pain this has caused you.
Relationships always take constant work. There will always be hard times along with the good ones. Another thing you may want to think on, is whether you're truly willing to put in the effort it takes to make the relationship work and whether he would be to. Either way, giving yourselves some space and time to think will be helpful. You may even end up deciding (once you've worked through the pain this has caused you) that maybe he might not be the person you want to be with.
And as hard it is, even if it comes to the conclusion the relationship won't work, remember that the time you've put into this relationship with him isn't a waste! Relationships that have come to an end will always teach you something valuable that you can apply to future ones. I sympathize very much for you, and I'm very sorry for the heartbreak of this situation, but from reading your question, I can see you are a very committed, caring young woman that is very strong as well! I wish you the very best of luck!
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Two people can't make a relationship work better by being apart. What happens is that whatever it was that was causing the friction for him in the relationship is not there is he's not with you. So he basically is depriving himself of an opportunity to work on it with you, choosing rather to walk away or run from it.
What happens if you run to hide from a particular fear? It follows you whereever you go as you havent learned how to deal with it. If you face your fears head on, they wimp out and disappear.
A relationship takes more work though, in fact it takes both people putting in maximum effort to make it successful and that means trying every first possible to work out whatever is wrong. I'm not clear if he's unhappy past couple months in general in his life or only about the relationship for its possible that there is something else in life that is making him unhappy and he had figured out that it affects his relationship with you so he'd be looking in the wrong direction to come up with an answer. He means well, not wanting to hurt you, but his intentions and words are not enough and never will be no matter who he is trying to have a relationship with. I will warn that to stay with someone where you are settling for less because he just isn't capable or willing to give 100%, just because of time already invested, is the wrong way of looking at it. YOu need to think of yourself and what is truly best for you. I stayed too long with the wrong huband because of the years already invested and the kids we had when it would have been better to leave earlier. I eventually did after even more years together. And the thought process that helped was, "can I stand the relationship being just like this with no improvement for another year? Yeah, but I won;t be happy. Could I stand it for another 5? Oh, no, I sure hope not, that would be hard. Then I asked myself if I could handle the same old same old for another decade or til the end of my life and that thought made me break down crying. Deep inside, I didn't care how much time was put in or wasted in the past, we only have today and tomorrow and I didn't want to have to live and experience my tomorrows if nothing would improve. Keep that in mind if he doesnt come around and become willing to really talk things out. It is a possibility that he does love you. But is he actually 'in love' with you. There's a difference. You can love a favorite icecream flavor or ethnic food, etc but when applied to a relationship, that kind of love is not enough. In love, changes the playing field to where it is not an option to be apart because you hurt more being apart than being together, a part of you feels missing. Desiring the sex isn't proof of love. We all have sex for many reasons. So just that fact that talking every day and having some dates but not him bringing up what he thinks is the issue leaves you unable to work with him on it or support him if its all him needing the change. Or it may come down to the two of you perhaps making good best friends with benefits but not being perfect enough to last long term and the tests of time. If the two of you could love each other still even with each others faults, if one was disfigured in an accident, through loss of job, through major illness or disease, the harsh things of life, and still cling to each other for that one stability in life, your unconditional love for each other, then you have a love that will stand time. Right now there's still conditions or issues, problems on his part. If neither of you in talking almost every day and haven't touched the subject of the separation or discovered what the issue is yet, it may never happen. Its for you to decide whether to wait around for him and how long you are willing to do that. Set a limit and after that, cut your losses and look for another. Good luck.
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