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Depressed girlfriend
Hey, guys! I'm a 17 year old female and I figured since you all are caregivers yourselves, this would be a good place to seek advice for this particular issue...
I've been dating a girl for about 6 months now, and I love her with all my heart. However, she is severely depressed and I've had some struggles coping with it. I try my very best to do all I can for her. I keep her on the phone when she's feeling particularly down, I listen when she needs to rant or express her emotions, I will drop everything to run to her side if she is in a bad place (this resulted in me ditching two classes once), and I even wrote a short story in which I characterized her as a superhero once.
However, I am a person who very easily can become too involved with others' problems, and I'll often turn their negative emotions into my own by accident. I've been feeling down and on edge lately, and constantly worrying and caring for my girlfriend has drained me. She is an amazing person (very artistically and academically talented, as well as sweet, funny, and extremely strong willed), and none of this is her fault even in the slightest. I'm just worried because I'm afraid that my exhaustion is causing me not to take care of her as well as I normally can, and also I'm concerned about my OWN health. Any tips?
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If she's depressed, she's needs professional help.
She won't get any better until she does. And until then, she will be draining your energy more and more.
It's obvious you love her and it's good to be supportive. But you need to take care of yourself first. You can't help others until you help yourself. You have to be number one priority in your life. You can't skip classes for someone. If she's causing all this, it's just going to get worse.
I'm not saying you should break up with her. But this is something serious and she needs help. Nothing is going to change until she does.
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I have to agree with the other poster here, you have to take care of yourself before you can take care of anyone else.
She missing something in her life thats causing her to maybe inadvertently try to get it somewhere else and she hasnt realized that shes impeding on other peoples lives because of how down shes feeling and this isnt ness. her fault but it IS the truth and that truth is what a good person like you deserves, even if it comes off hurtful.
Try to take emotions out and set them aside for a moment. Think about the future and how much time and energy you put in her, will you feel let down if later in life she still hasnt gotten better and you put all that effort in? or you got in a fight and no longer know her and look back and thought about how much class time and things put aside for her because she couldnt stand on her own two feet through certain things? what im talking about here is resentment. do you see where im going with this?? im sure you DONT want to feel that way, but obviously only YOU know yourself so i cant predict how you will feel later down the line but in a relationship two people have to meet each other halfway to make it work.
When my husband and i were first starting to date ((im blushing now because this was well over ten years ago and we're married now with a 3 year old) lol. anyway i was living at home still and we was in college, and he called me saying he wanted to come get me so we could hang out in the middle of the day. Well i knew he was supposed to be at school and i asked him why arent you in school right now??
He answered me and said "oh well i wanted to be with you more and its not THAT important" he basically ditched classes to come be with me instead. Now tell me was that the right thing to do?? NO. if your friend cares she would feel the same way in most instances and encourage you to GO to school and NOT miss any classes on her account because your future together is important.
I told my now husband over the phone that i was NOT pleased at his stunt and that he will never do that again for me if we are to stay together as anything more than friends. Do NOT ditch school for someone because later dont the line there could be resentment deep down and it could effect the relationship. Needless to say i still went out with my boyfriend that day but i made him promise me that he will NEVER do that again for me and that it is important that if you are in school for something because you are so gifted that you GO because not everyone gets that chance in life to shine.
needless to say he was more then impressed and happy that i took the initiative to make that choice and put him before myself for HIS betterment. Your girlfriend should want the same for you too, and say "no dont leave school for me i will grin and bare this until you can come over after your done" someone wanting you to do that is them showing you they are putting you before themselves even if you wanted to come see them because they know how important you are and that you need your schooling one day.
I dont know what exactly your girlfriend is going through because obviously you wernt specific enough but she shouldnt be making you feel this way even if shes not trying. you are obviously drained and the best thing you can do for her is encourage her to seek help if things really are as bad as your saying. She might be scared but you seem like a loving person so offer to walk right up there with her to the office when she has appointments and sit outside the door while shes in there talking to the counselor. Offer to call FOR HER if you have to, and tell her theres nothing to be scared or ashamed of and that we all need support at times.
She needs more then what your capable of giving her sweetie. your only one person. dont feel bad.
good luck ; )
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Hon, if she has severe depression, it's fine to have a friend to 'be there' for her, but that will not in itself treat her condition. She needs to see a professional and get put on medication. My own daughter at the same age had it and never told me and it was not obvious and I did spend lots of time with my kids. She was just good at hiding it. She finally told me what she was battling after having her 1st kid cus after birth, it got lots worse and so she finally went to see a mental health professional.
I understand you wanting to invest so much of yourself and your time because you love her.
However, it takes two 'whole' people to make a relationship work. Until she's under Drs. care, she
will always be lacking something and needing care.
There is such a thing as a person consciously or subconsciously siphoning off the energy of another person, leaving them high and dry. I have a sister who at times, not always does this and when I leave her place, I do not feel well, weak and exhausted as you put it is a good description. People need a personal amount of energy to function well. You worry about not being able to take care of her but those of us who live a life of being in service to others, like myself, need to learn how to take good care of ourselves first. It took an abusive first marriage and some good counsel from friends before I realized where I was off. Theres a bible verse about loving your neighbor as you love yourself. The word 'neighbor' comes before 'self' so many people, including myself focused on loving others and being there for them and trying to help them get better but the verse was understood wrong. We need to fully love ourselves before we are able to love and help others.
In your case, "being there for your sweetheart" as good a thing as it is, is being done off balance for as you said, it caused you to skip classes once. She's not going to get better without professional help so this will continue to mess up things for you, continue to drain you physically. No person is meant to be someone elses cane or crutch to lean on permanently. It's fine for short time things that hit someone broadside and they need help to get over that one issue in their lives. No its not her fault she has these problems, but they are never going toget better and could possibly get worse until she gets medical help. How would you feel that one day you were ill in bed with a flu or something and unable to run to her side and her depression caused her to kill her self? You'd be riddled with guilt for the rest of your life and may never get beyond grieving for her. This is way bigger than you can handle alone dear. If she is not yet 18, her parents need to know to get her to a professional or talk to school counsers. And try to convince her that this is for her best.
Seeing a mental health counselor doesn't mean you are crazy, a mental freak or damaged in some way. All it means is that her body is unable to create on its own the feel good hormones to help her brain function through all that comes in life, and to be able to handle stress. These levels are usually high in people without depression, but these hormone levels are gone or running low, depressed levels of feel good hormones, and thats where the term depression comes from. I know you wont leave her side and still be there for her, but do what you can to convince her to get professional help as well.
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