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Does This Make Me a Bad Person?
I am nearly 24 years old, and I have an almost 30 year old sister who makes really stupid choices.
For the past six years, she has been dating a man who my family and I strongly disapprove of. This man is a thirty-five (almost thirty-six) high school drop-out who doesn’t work, can’t keep a job, and lives off of her support. Not only that, but he is a recovering alcoholic and has been physically abusive towards her in the past. Yet, she insists that she’s going to marry him.
Although I see no attempts on his part, I think that at their ages if they were going to get married, he would have worked at maintaining a job. They would have already tied the knot years ago. Instead I think that she’s going to wake up in a few years, realize that she is an unmarried old maid, and that this relationship has strongly screwed her up her life.
Lately I feel like this relationship is taking a toll on her health.
She says it’s not, but she’s the type of woman who becomes dependent on a man and will lie that he is doing things that we already know he is responsible for. They live out of state, so it is difficult to know what is going on. Since she has started dating I strongly doubt that she has ever had a stable, healthy relationship.
This weekend she had a bad panic/anxiety attack that may have been brought on by a hereditary thyroid condition. I know that this health condition could be caused by stress, and I think that her boyfriend is and always will be the primary cause of her stress, whether she admits it or not.
I am so tempted to attempt to break them up, but I think that this will be a bad idea.
I found out his phone number, and I want to text him and tell him that if he really loves her, he will break up with her, cut off all ties with her, move out, and tell her that he’s no longer in love with her, because he’s the primary cause of her stress..
Having had a boyfriend of four years, I am having second thoughts about doing this. We are not married or living together, solely for financial reasons. Yet my boyfriend and I are younger, and are both still in school.
I feel like it will seriously hurt her and result in no positives.
Should I restrain myself from doing so? Does even thinking of this scheme make me a bad person?
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
Love is love. And if your sister really loves him, then let her be happy.
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Yes, please restrain yourself from interfering in another persons life for the reason of trying to point out problems. Most people don't like someone else pointing out their issues or where they are blind to a problem. It can be 100% true they are making bad choices but they are adults and its their lives.
It hurts to watch loved ones make such choices. I know, it's happening in my family too with one person...it hurts really bad. If I dwell on it too much, I'd be crying all the time. But the simple fact is no one is able to change other people. The choice for change must come from within them. Its like the saying, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink." So true, you can risk do the "leading" by suggesting better choices she or he could make but people aren't horses. A horse isn't going to retaliate with words or shut you out of their life because they're angry at you.
Are you a bad person for feeling as you do and having these thoughts? No. I use this method all the time, it's quite stress relieving for me to fantasize giving someone a piece of my mind when I know in the end it won't improve anything on their part and only likely make things worse. Pray for her hon. Thats all I can do too, praying for Angels to protect my person and eventually get through to their minds so they begin to make better decisions.
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You are not a bad person; you have the best interest of your sister at heart. Loving your sister is never wrong though what you would like to do is as it will not have the outcome you wish for.
The foreseeable outcomes are:
She will hate you for breaking then up if you break then up causing her more stress.
He will tell her of your meddling and she will hate you causing a rift between you. This rift will cause both of unneeded stress and anxiety.
He is most likely a controller as well as a leech. If I am correct there is nothing you can do to break them up. Yes I'm sure your sister can do better than him but there is nothing you can do about it until she admits it to herself.
The best thing you can do for your sister is be supportive. Be there when the bottom of her world falls out from under her and it will at some point. When that happens she will need all the love and support you can give her and no of the "I told you so.
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No, you are not a bad person because you have the best interest of your sister in your heart and feel it will be the correct outcome. I would restrain myself from doing it principally because it is extremely unlikely to have the outcome you would like. Yes it is dependency on her part. Yes he is exploiting her dependency. But you won't get far attacking him from the outside. It will only unite them both agaisnt you. Because she is dependent (and will be entirely influenced by what HE says) and he is exploiting that dependency for his own ends and won't want to lose the easy arrangement he has contrived himself. She must be the one to break-up the relationship. She won't do that while she feels unable to function without him. So the state of play is: He won't. She wouldn't dare. Your contribution is unlikely to be acknowledged at all. He's only on the scene at all by coutesy of her dependency. Breaking this dependency in HER is the key.
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