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SHOULD I DO IT??? PLEASE HELP
Hi, so I am 19 and I am a virgin and I have never kissed anyone, I am what you would call a good girl and I like to take things slow.
Most people say I am too mature for my age, so guys my age don't really fancy me.
The other night I met this guy who I have a lot in common, and he said he likes me and he wants to take me on a date... now the catch is that he is frikkin 32!!!
He is really hot, but I am scared to go out with him, because as an older guy he will probably want to take things fast and he probably is really experienced... and the whole thing scares me as I don't feel ready... and older guys usually wait 2 or 3 days to have sex with a girl!! I don't know if I should date him, but I really like him.
HELP!!
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When I was 18, I dated a 30 year old man. I liked his maturity, I thought he was very attractive, and he seemed to respect my boundaries (I wasn't a virgin, but I definitely wanted to wait before sex).
However, there was a lot of pressure to speed things up sexually - I ended up having sex with him much sooner than I had originally wanted to. He was a little impatient with me; he tried to understand that I was younger, but he was irritated at my sexual "immaturity."
He is not only more experienced than you sexually, but emotionally also. He's also lived longer and has had many more experiences than you; in this way, he will always be at an advantage.
I don't believe that age differences make a huge difference - but that's when both parties are old enough. I personally think you're too young to be dating someone that old. But I know you will make whatever decision feels right.
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I think you should be open with him and tell him your situation and that he has to be willing to be patient with you. If he gives you a weird look or tries to persuade you to do otherwise, he's not the right guy for you. You want to find somebody who's worth your time. It may be scary to ask or find out, but you should know what you would be getting yourself into. Dating isn't only about looks, its about getting to know someone and seeing if you mesh well together.It might be hard to find the right person, but theres someone out there for you no matter what. If he's willing to make it work, he will respect your wishes and show some sympathy and patience
Let me know what you think!
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I think your hesitation in and of itself says a lot. We all have instincts and far more often than not, it turn out that our first instincts are the correct one if you will.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with people who have age differences being friends. However, when it comes to romantic relationships, an age gap only becomes less important as you both grow into an older age. Basically, the older you are, the less important it is.
Considering you are still young, and given your apprehension, I personally would suggest that you avoid seeking a romantic connection. As you say, people tell you that you are mature for your age. Well, recognizing that this is the case is a mature decision.
Be friends but don't worry about the rest. I know you want to have someone in your life and you feel like boys your age aren't into you. But, I'm sure that there has to be somebody out there on a similar level of maturity in your age group. And if you have to go with a guy a bit older, you'd probably be better off with one 2-3 years older instead of 12-13.
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I was still a virgin at your age and had never dated and soo naive. I had no experience like you. But what I am talking about is besides sexual experience...No experience in how to date a person to find out if they are the right person for me for life. My parents had no clue either. So I married him at 20. Like you, I was way mature for my age also but that doesn't compensate for being naive and inexperienced and making too many assumptions, not asking enough questions when it comes to knowing dating do's and don'ts and knowing what you want and expect and making that clear in the beginning. I didn't learn til way older and divorced as it was an abusive marriage. I'd like to give you pointers but I have to guess here, having no idea how well you know him already as a friend, whether you want to date just socially for fun or whether you're looking for your mate. I am going to assume you dont want to go through lots of relationships and find the right guy to marry.
So, age difference. I don't see it as a problem. Peoples brains don't finish growing and coming to full maturity until 25 anyways and for some longer, so there's a greater chance he may be a mature person as well. My parents were 9 yrs apart. I knew a gal who was 21 who married a guy at my church who was 12 yrs older than her. I believe the issue was he couldn't impregnate last wife to have kids so they split. This gal was willing to adopt. And they did.
What matters more than the age spread is whether he is perfect for you. In case you wonder about having no experience, I was the virgin and husband wasn't but since I knew nothing, I didn't know about having sexual chemistry or the absence of it. Your body can have sexual responses to being near a guy who you have chemistry, you don't have to have sex to confirm it but a kiss can confirm chemistry is there. I had no problem figuring out what to do, some things are basic, but I'll tell you this, each new sex partner I ever had, even as an older adult after divorce, I find you have to learn all over again what each person likes, so don't worry about that if or when the time comes. If you think an older man is going to expect sex as soon as possible, well ALL guys wish for, it started with puberty and never stops. A guy who is just dating for fun with no plan to settle down and marry, if you say up front, you are looking for the man you'll marry and you won't want to even attempt sex unless you feel some chemistry, etc...then that guy won't even bother to date you unless they like the challenge of changing a girls mind in which case, they aren't the kind of guy you want. So just in case, to be safe from someone being untruthful, for the first couple dates, agree to meet at a chosen place, restaurant, theatre, etc.. going in your own cars because once you're in his, you're kind of stuck and he can take you anywhere he wants. As A teen I had a teen guy who played instrument at church who said he wanted to hear the songs I had written and came to take me to his house. Mom wasn't there, and halfway through a song he put his hand on my leg moving toward my crotch. I told him I was not that kind of girl and ordered him to take me home. If he hadn't, I'd have had to ask my parents to come fetch me. I learned my lesson then and luckily he didn't force things. So meet in a public place, go in own car and explain why, you'll do it til comfortable with him If he gets upset with you anywhere along the way for that, good riddence, you just eliminated another wrong guy off the list. I did lots of dating before I met my 2nd husband. I knew what i wanted in a guy personality, core beliefs and sexually. And I made sure that guys knew I was one of those who get straight to the point without beating around the bush. I said I was looking for the boyfriend with potential to become a husband. Told them that I had certain criteria I had before I made a commitment to be their girlfriend, any dating before hand was simply information gathering, getting to know him. I then told them about myself, where I was at right now and what I wanted in a guy. That way, they knew if they could not meet my criteria, they could back out right then at that stage and I wouldn't be upset.
I found out after a while that males actually find it a turn on when a woman is confident enough to know what she wants and is not afraid to ask for it.
So decide if you want him to leave making the first sexual move up to you. My 2nd husband was like this naturally as a person so I had to make the move even for the first kiss. It is possible to date a guy for a while without having sex right away. If both of you feel the sexualj draw between you when together but choose to exercise self control until you can find out a little more about each other, nature will take the right course and the draw will become stronger until the point at which you find yourself wanting to have him kiss, touch and have sex with you. And as long as you've also discussed birth control ahead of time, 'just in case the chemistry is there to draw you both towards sex' then all is fine. It takes being on the pill around a week until its built up enough to be effective. I wouldn't trust in just a condom only for BC cus they can be flawed and break. Had that happen to me but I was on birth control and this was for STD protection so I couldn't become pregnant. I know most women who have answered when I ask, each one has had that one episode where it broke or slipped off inside her. Since I was older 2nd time around, I found that I either clicked or didn't at first meet. those who still sounded like good potentials, I went out with maybe 2,3 more times, enough time for him to think he had me and if he had been hiding behind a false personality to attract me, its at this the mask has slipped and you get to see their true self. I had that happen with a couple guys and what I saw reminded me of exactly what my ex used to do, so I quit seeing them as I had not yet commited to becoming their girlfriend. I was about to but then I saw what I saw and that ended it. No matter your age, try to go for holding the control over what happens. You can always ask what he expects from a gal he is dating as far as sex. It is best to ask these things up front. I never had one guy think it odd that I told them my criteria and asked them to tell me what they wanted and expected cus if at this point its already too diverse, then you have no business seeing him cus one of you would have to change who you are to be a match but it doesnt work, the changee becomes very unhappy and frustrated after a while. I know it might sound awkward to tell the guy you're a virgin and don't want to mislead a guy. But you want him to know you want to date long enough to see if you are attracted enough to want to have sex. If you don't feel it, you'll be honest and tell him and break up. If you do feel it, you'll let him know but want to have the control as to how soon and how fast you proceed. If the guy is really truly attracted to you, and is seriously looking for a long term or life long relationship, at his age, he won't want to be messing around, and he will be just as serious as you and willing to work with you through anything, just as any committed couple does, He will respect you and what you say.
I will say that when I did feel chemistry, I usually ended up making the first move or responding to a guy by the 3rd or 4th date. I'm older though. You might want more time. Depends how often you see the guy to get to know him. If once a week, it could take you a month or more before you're ready if you feel chemistry. If theres other questions, go to my column and write me from there mentioning you're the one with 12 yr age difference so I know who you are. Good luck dear.
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