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My Boyfriend Lacks Drive
In a month and a few days I will be 24 years old. I have a boyfriend of four years, who I think is the perfect fit for me in so many ways. He stimulates me sexually, and I just love who he is as a person.
My ideal is for the two of us to be engaged and living together within a year or two, but there is something that is holding us back and it also hurts me because my favorite human in the world thinks that he is a horrible person for it. He has no drive, he suffers from incredible laziness.
This is affecting him with the 50 more pounds that he needs to lose, and with holding a job. Currently he's living with his mother, which is fine, he still has this semester and next semester before he gets to graduate.
Honestly, I blame his father for some of this shit. His father left him and his brother when they were two years old, and he chose drugs over them before he died when my guy was 15 years old. While my boyfriend's brother was always more independent, my boyfriend has always been dependent on people.
I know that my boyfriend is gaining greater self confidence in himself, and I'm so glad for it. Recently he took his shirt off during sex, which he has never done before. I was so happy, because I would constantly try to encourage him to fully get naked with me during sex.
For one, I feel like you're sharing all of yourself with a person, so why not let them see you naked? Personally, I have never had this issue, because all of the men who I have slept with have loved my body, and I actually find it uncomfortable to not take off your clothes.
Yet what's really upsetting me is that he tells me he's a shitty person, because he has no drive and he's lazy. I found out that he was let go from the two internships that he worked last summer for being too lazy.
I spoke to my 30 year-old best friend who was worse off than he is at his age. He told me that he became more driven because now he knows what he wants to do, which is work on his YouTube channel and create games. At one point, he went to architectural college and discovered that it wasn't really what he wanted to do.
How do I inspire my boyfriend to find his drive? The way that it's looking, this will affect me too as his future wife. I already know what I want to do, which is working in the analytical field, and my degrees will allow me to do this.
My boyfriend says that he wants to be a CPA, but yet he's offered internships, he finds himself slacking off in them. This is not good, because these positions might offer him full-time employment after college, which will be good for our future together.
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I cannot tell you why your boyfriend is the way he is. What I can tell you or suggest to you is how to help him.
In general a lack of drive stems from a lack of self-esteem. From what you have written you have done well helping him with this and certainly his weight loss should have been a big help as well. From what you have written this is not a problem that he recently developed more likely one that has developed over many years. I would also not be surprised if he was not also suffering from some form of depression. Poor self-esteem and depression sometimes go hand in hand and become a vicious circle meaning you can't cure just one you must cure both.
While I believe you have been good for him and have helped him in many ways. Your boyfriend needs the type of help you can support but cannot give him. He needs professional help to get at the root cause of his self-esteem problem and possible depression if he is going to gain any form of self worth leading to the drive you want to see in him.
For this I suggest you suggest to him going one of two ways. The easiest is seeking out the help of a psychologist for talk therapy. The psychologist can treat both the depression and self-esteem problem through talk therapy but cannot offer, in many states, and medication to help kick start the recovery.
The psychologist is going to ask that your boyfriend have a complete physical to rule out any organic reason for his problem, This leads to the second way. You can start by suggesting he have a complete physical and while he is with his doctor he be screened for depression. You or he should also tell his doctor about his lack of drive and probable low self-esteem as your reason for requesting the screening. The screening is painless and is just question the doctor will ask. Should the doctor diagnose a form of depression see to it that you boyfriend follows his doctors instructions which should also include talk therapy.
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Well it seems like hes a little too wrapped up in his own head right now to think about his future with you right now, which for a woman in the position your in is a bad thing because we as women usually want to know that our man is working toward an ultimate goal of securing your future together but if he doesnt know what he wants in life period then thats a huge issue.
It sounds like you need to have a talk with him, maybe stay at home one night and do whatever it is you can do that will relax him and get him to talk openly with you. Tell him you want the honest truth because your here to back him up on whatever it is he wants in life but you just wanna know what that is.
if he feels he can talk to you and that you wont jump up his rear end if he doesnt have an acceptable answer then he will tell you whats going on (not that i think you would im just saying).
Try to start asking him whats on his mind lately when your just sitting with him idle, not doing anything. Tell him he seems like hes kind of somewhere else and you just want to make sure everything is ok. He might really be going through something inside him right now and just isnt sure how to talk about it. He might be feeling lost in life and not sure where to go, because theres no reason why a previously "OK" person should now suddenly be acting this way.
to me with the weight gain and sudden lack of drive, this would DEFINITELY say something is up and you need to get it out of him asap, and try to help him fix it. Try to just act supportive though unless hes being totally unreasonable, make him think your trying to be compassionate and understanding so that you can get as much info out of him as you can before coming to a final decision about how you want to handle everything.
good luck ; )
Reply to your last response: Ok thats ok things can easily get misunderstood on here no worries ; )
It sounds like he may need some counseling, if this has been an on going thing hes been struggling with.
Other then trying to reassure him that his weight isnt THAT big of an issue, that its how you conduct yourself around others, and that we're ALL afraid of failure at some point in our lives in all things big AND small then there isnt really much else you can do for him.
Its up to him to WANT to make things work for a good future, whatever it takes. very few people actually wind up where they want to be when their older in life but we make the best of it because life is too short to sit on our duff's and feel sorry for ourselves. At least if he fails then he can say he tried at least, and didnt give up just because a few things here or there got in the way.
most people dont LOVE their jobs but you get out there and you do what you have to do to make money to support your family just like everyone else. i hope he CAN find something he loves and that hes good at (of course we ALL do) but its not at all uncommon if we dont. its real life thats all but at least at the end of a long day you get some come home to your family and thats what makes it all worth it.
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