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Can you be toxic and not know it?
There's good and bad people in the world this I know. I'm not perfect either I can be a pest at times but I also care about people as well. I know that some people experience bad things that make them bad too. But for me how do you know if you're toxic or not? You may slip up every now and then but what if you wonder if you're toxic or not? Can you be toxic like a psychopath or narcissist or whatever and not know it? I ask this because I was friends with someone and one of their friend called me manipulative behind my back. All of sudden everyone is against me. She warped my every action from being social awkward to manipulation. In truth, I'm not good with people and I don't really understand how to connect with people without among it weird, but manipulating? I don't get it. I mean my friend saw it was lie. But for me it bothers me. It really bothers me. It makes me wonder what's real or not. I've become more cynical and questioned all. Are people really sincere or just back stabbing. What defines a good person? It's been a pain. I've been analyzing it like crazy but I can't find peace.
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The truth is MOST people who ARE toxic usually dont know it and wouldnt want to admit to it either even if they could face knowing that there is something wrong with them.
Ive known PLENTY of toxic people in my lifetime and in that time ive learned a few things. Depending on the type of toxic they are:
When being in a relationship with a toxic person they can use love against you when theres things you dont agree upon as a tool to get what they want for fear that youll lose their love,approval,whatever.
When being in a friendship with someone toxic they can do the same thing to you as above, and not ONLY that but they can talk about you behind your back or twist things you say in order to make YOU look like the bad guy instead of them so that they can take on a "victim" role.
This sounds like what your friend did to you, for whatever reason (sometimes its jealousy that your totally unaware of) These are issues the person has with themselves and how they view the world and people around them. Their perception is often different and a bit skewed and can be negative or sad and this can make them a "damaged person" their using the hurt and pain from the past in the current and taking those feelings out on others. They are often times depressed, and or are dysfunctional in their personal lives with their family.
Whats REAL is a persons basic morals and values. Keep those strong, do the right thing when the chance presents itself and live by that. This will attract GOOD people into your life, and the others will naturally be repelled by you because they know they wont be able to measure up to such a good person. People will float in and out of your life as times change and events occur over the years that change them as a person and after they do, they will either grow stronger from it or will become someone who continues to do the things dysfunctional people do. You dont need these people in your life, they will belittle you and basically do anything they can to make you feel lower about yourself as a person because THEY are unhappy as a person and just want to spread the pain and hurt they've suffered.
I understand your feeling wounded right now, but the people who have turned on you still have brains of their own and if you do nothing to confirm the things your friend has said about you then they will start to not believe the things she says and you'll show them by you just being YOU that none of that stuff is true.
the only thing you can do right now is stay calm around them, act friendly still towards to others and claim when they say your this way or that way, that you dont know what their talking about and that you were just trying to be a good friend nothing more.
This girl doesnt sound like a very good friend so i would just stay away from her because she sounds like shes just looking for a reason to attack everything you do or say and thats not fair. shes obviously not your friend and i would tell her that in a calm polite manner. Dont worry about what she says back to you just STAY CALM this really does work trust me. Let her talk and say everything she wants to say and then say something like "oh ok well what you said was really hurtful and totally unnecessary so...." if she talks to you again.
it doesnt matter how angry someone gets with you over something, if YOU remain calm and quiet and let them talk until you can calmly say something back it will surprise them. Most people think they arent being listened to and are shocked when someone is at least willing to hear them out when they are upset. just try it. ; )
if someone says to you that your friend said this or that about you and asks you if its true say "idk what your talking about because i would never do something like that" and then leave it at that. Continue just being cool with people around you and everything will work itself out because nothing she says is coming true and eventually they will all see her as a lier.
good luck
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Have you even mentioned it to mom? This is the kind of stuff I daily asked my daughters about when they were in school, not just how grades were going but their social life, how they felt about themselves. A parent understands you best and would know if you tend to have issues in some area. If you are willing to learn to do better if it truly is the case, I'm sure Mom would be willing to support you and help you out with gentle guiding comments. I don't know your age but I must guess anywhere from grade school through college, a time when young people's brains are the last thing on them to mature, and isn't fully complete and mature until mid 20's so anytime before then, it's very easily to find immature if not just naive behavior in others in that age range.
Yes, some people can have major social issues relating to others or even mental disorders and not know it. I also have met some that have issues and know something is not right about them but don't know what it is and are afraid to see a Dr. and get tested. Your examples though of narcissist, (I knew one) and psycho path, these people won't take long in life to figure out they have major problems and they either embrace getting better if its possible or learn to live with it as is. Several have written in knowing they are psychopath and are seeing Drs. The person I knew, they knew what they were doing and tried intimidation to get others to do what they wanted even if they were unreasonable or totally wrong.
Now as for name calling and putting labels on a person, those kinds of words can hurt as you've discovered, even if not true. If a young person is looking for a word, they may not use the right one to begin with. It could simply be that she doesn't mesh with your personality. No one is friends with everyone in school, and thats for a reason, we tend to hang with those who have similar personalities and likes and hobbies. The girl you mention must be one of the popular crowd if so many are instantly so against you and supporting her, to earn brownie points with her and hope to gain a higher status in popularity. My sister had a friend who only came to our house with her older sis along who was my age, once...as she told my sis she wants to avoid me because she hates me. When sister revealed that to me wondering why that might be, I was fairly surprised as her and I were not in any classes together and never had spoken in school. Hate is a pretty strong word for someone you've never interacted with. So I understand how crazy some of this can be. You may be socially quiet and shy and the popular kids have no idea how to draw you out or neither an inclination to do so. So your choice of friends ends up to be from the pool of those who are everything but popular.
The very fact that you are concerned enough to write in wondering about yourself tells me that you are the one mature enough to be willing to make changes and do the right thing.
This girl you're talking about is the opposite, immature for announcing to others what she thinks of you to sway others to align with her maybe as a power move. Since she continued to warp every one of your actions to seem to aline up with her assessment of you, somethings wrong in her court, not yours. If you truly had major issues, you'd have had some feedback from adults in your life long before now, not peers at school. Do adults have any problem with you, do they avoid talking to you? Talking family, relatives, neighbors, teachers. Teachers are trained to look for major behavioral problems in students, other than plain old immaturity and meaness that seems the norm. If they find it so distracting as to be disruptive in school, they would have talked to your parents long ago dear. This sounds like one of those incidents of kids that aren't worth knowing.
Now you ask another question totally different: What defines a good person? Well, it really depends on how any person defines what is to be labeled good or bad. Growin up in one family, they may all make derogative, cutting remarks to each other all the time and think that is acceptable and good but another family may train you it is disrespectable and a negative way to act. So rather than good or bad, I like to think as whether an action produces positive or negative effects. This girls comment was negative and had its negative effects of getting you to question yourself, and lose your peace. The only way you can lose your peace is if your believe her somewhat or totally. If you knew yourself well enough or went straight to Mom to ask what she thinks of it, you would save yourself lots of mental guesswork and worry, could be reassured at the start that its not you and then you can choose to brush off the comment and not lose peace over it.
So a good person, is one who considers what their actions might do, will it affect anyone else in a negative way. Yes, we all make mistakes, good people do too, but they learn from them and follow pretty much the golden rule found in all countries and faiths around the world in different variations, all saying the same thing. Basically it's this, Treat others as you want to be treated. If it won't hurt anyone, (others or yourself) then go ahead and do as you wish. So obviously a person of good character who trys to think before they act, who doesnt wish to seek to purposely hurt others is what you could label as a positive, good person. Unless your parents have mental health issues of their own, talk to them and get some quick reassurances that you need. My opinion from what you wrote is that you are not the problem. I actually wish more teens gave as much thought into situations or actions as you do.
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