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struggling on why I'm doubting my relationship
I've been with my boyfriend going on two years now and everything was fine until recently. I am just absolutely bored with him and am wondering if I am with the right person. Recently we had to move back in with my mom because I wrecked his car and we can't afford to live on our own now or buy a car. So we're trying to save up for one. Problem being with that, My mom and my boyfriend don't get along too well. She basically is lonely ever since her recent divorce with my stepdad and wants me to live with her it seems like forever. She Drives him and me to work and stuff. But we haven't gone out and done something fun together in a long time because since its mom's car she makes the rules about me and him going anywhere. We're always at the house now. Not only that we fight because of our mom's. It seems our mom's get jealous when we're spending time with oneanother. My mom isn't so mean to him she just gets mad at me if I don't give her attention and takes it out on me. His mom calls me vulgar names and tells him I can't come home with him when he goes to visit his family and I've always been polite. I feel like maybe the stress of our mom's is making me feel this way and the fact that we haven't been in a date since the accident in November is pulling us apart. I don't know what to do. I think I'm just scared of dealing with his mom (who is very abusive) and my mom (who's smothering) . I love him but I feel bored and am wondering if we should call it quits or not.
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I would not call it quits with my boyfriend just because we are going through some stress due to things that are outside of your control (like how certain people are acting towards your partner) Theres just no way that that can be helped sometimes.
Sometimes parents get SO USED to be parents to you that they forget that your older now and there are certain boundaries that you need them to respect.
If i were you i would speak privately with your man, have a candid "can we realistically do this" kind of conversation with him alone and together see if you could both move out together with a roommate and share a 2 bed. place somewhere. If you CAN start looking without telling your mom, check out pricing maybe make some calls and let a few people know if the pricing is good that your interested and then sit down with your mom and have a conversation.
Tell her that "you can tell shes stressed" by you and your boyfriend living there by the things shes been doing and saying, and that if she feels that she cannot handle the two of you living there then you can both leave.
For her although this may be a relief, this would also mean that you are no longer at her beck and call or able to just come over and help her with things and that will be something she will need to except because youll have your own life outside of her home and she'll have to handle being alone.
Adults sometimes can get jealous of younger people because their life just didnt play out the way they thought it would and they see you and see that your life still has tons of potential and even though they may not mean it, it can make them resentful towards you. The reality here is that life never turns out JUST the way we think its going to, there are twists and turns and life is messy and some people dont take that into account. Try not to give your mom (or his mom even though i know thats probably hard at times) TOO much difficulty. parents see their babies getting older and things are happening way too fast for them and they just cant adjust sometimes.
bottom line, talk to your boyfriend. see if you both can combine your money and get out of there asap and get a roomy who works alot and is never there (those are the best kind ; ) hehee)
scrimp and save all you can until you can get out, then give each of your parents time to cool down and reach out again. Once they see your both trying to forge a life with each other with no one elses help they may change their tune a little. good luck.
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I live at home with my boyfriend and my mother. She is a light version of your mom. Being out in your own place might be the best for your relationship. However that might not be possible right now. I suggest talking to your boyfriend and see how he feels about both the relationship and your living situation. You say you feel 'bored'. I would examine if that is about your guy or the situation you are currently living. Ask yourself if you could spend a lifetime with this guy. Do you see yourself committed to him long term? Maybe a break would be good now. See how you feel about him if you live apart. That might not be possible if you support each other financially but better to figure that out now. Longer term relationships have ups and down. It's no fairy tale I know. I've had ups and downs but overall we take care and love each other. If you find overall you are unhappy maybe you should explore being single or dating other people. I don't think there is one person for everyone but many people who can love you for you. I wish you the best.
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While it is nice to have a parents blessing on your relationship and be well treated as a couple, it isn't always going to happen in reality.
Parents, though adults, doesnt mean they are necessarily mature or capable of making good decisions in their world including treatment of family. If it is exactly as you describe and both moms get jealous for attention, that is not a normal process in life to get stuck at and stay at. Parents need to learn to let their adult children go to live their own lives and they now take a back seat in importance. So it would seem neither mom has a life of their own and may have made their lives circle around simply being a mom, nothing else, so when kids are no longer needing parenting, they feel they no longer have purpose or become jealous and act like a child.
It takes having strength of character and some backbone to stand up to interfering parents. Since you are living with yours for financial reasions, while under the roof of parents, a parent can legally call the shots as to what occurs under their roof, even to adult children or anyone who may end up living under their roof such as if she
Life will always bring hardships to people and it can put stress on people. When part of a relationship though, it shouldn't be a given that it will pull the two apart and ruin the relationship. If there is a depth of love for the other person, you feel like you'd be missing an arm or leg to be separate from him, then obviously the two of you must make plans that enable you both to stay together. If this stressful situation is showing you both that you're not ready to be in a relationship and handle all that comes with it, or that you two are not in love with each other, then of course part ways.
BUT WHATEVER YOU DO...don't part ways because the parents make it difficult. I assume you're both working, to be able to save up for things. If you were able to pay for an apt before but had no money left over to save up, then the solution is to cut down on costs and the biggest is housing. Would you be able to save up if paying for only half the rent in a 2 bedroom apt? If so, you may want to consider that. Many people find themselves forced to find cheaper living places to be able to save up, myself included. It is a sign of the times, middle class disappearing and the economy such that those who aren't rich keep having to scratch out a living on less and less. Costs go up and incomes don't. My income is the same or less than it was 30 years ago and things are more expensive today. Economy isn't going to improve to the point that you can get ahead easily so you have to become more crafty in how you budget your incomes to live on.
I know its not preferable to have to live with another couple. So if you look into ads, perhaps someone had a mothe-inlaw apt in their home for a fraction of what normal rent would be or you advertise to find another young couple like yourself who also need to share an apt. to be able to afford rent together. Neither need have an apartment yet, just meet, get to know the people and if you can get along, then all four save up to go in on an apt together, applying together with landlord. That the only solution I see to you staying together without hassle. Perhaps you have other relatives near enough to where you work so you can take a bus to work. I know it's crappy to not have a vehicle. Check into car share too. Some big cities are starting up companys where that is possible. Perhaps who ever you live with needs a car too and you can make an agreement for paying together to get a car to share together until you can purchase your own, at which point the other couple pays you back your portion of the investment to keep it or its sold and the money split. But this cooperation takes a mature couple. Most people put out ads to take in a renter who is a single college age person so it isn't easy to find cheap housing for couples unless you take control and put out ads in on line venues, at colleges where a couple may be looking for a place together, etc..
I wish you both the best.
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