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Complicated love life
Since I was 16, I've been on and off with this guy. I'm 20 and he's 22. It never turned into anything, we were just friends with benefits. We'd kiss and stuff and it was just when I wasn't dating anyone.
Sometimes I had feelings for him and sometimes I didn't. Sometimes he had feelings for me and sometimes he didn't. It was always bad timing.
Last year we started having sex rather than just messing around.
Around October he told me he doesn't want to have sex with a girl who's having sex with other guys. That was fine with me. So if we start seeing other people, then we stop sleeping with each other.
But then he started getting mad when I was out late with a guy and things like that. I had feelings for him at the time so I did tell him and he said he doesn't know how he feels.
Anyways, about a week later he told me he likes me. He said he knows our situation isn't normal but he does like me, ect. He asked me on a date and all that.
It's been a couple weeks now and we've barely talked. I asked if I did anything, he said he's just been "lost".
So I guess he's unsure of what to do and that makes me unsure where I stand with him and whether or not I should move on.
Our situation is far from normal and most people don't go from friends with benefits to a relationship. What makes it more difficult is that I'm very close to his family. His sister is my best friend and no one knows about us as it's a strong Christian family and we've just been messing around. So I get how this whole thing can be difficult for him and he's never had an actual relationship.
So the odds are stacked against us. But I realize I really like him and I don't know where to go from here. I've been getting asked out by guys and I just don't know where I stand.
Should I give him some time or just let it go?
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You said two things that stand out to me as signs that he and you may not have enough chemistry to make a long term relationship work, let alone marriage if you hope for that some day.
Here's what I picked up on: "Sometimes I had feelings for him and sometimes I didn't." and at the end asking if you should let it go, I assume that by 'it' you mean the relationship/him.
So, if you find the feelings are not consistently there, not very strong and that letting him go is an option, it's a good sign there may not be enough chemistry. Also there may be some kind of love felt at times, but the kind that it takes to make a lasting and healthy, satisfying relationship is 'being in love'. In love and love are not the same in my book. I love pizza, I love cheesecake but I don't have a relationship with them and if I had to do without them for the rest of my life, I wouldn't feel like a part of me is missing. If I lost the man who is my husband, whom I am in love with and he with me, I would feel I lost a part of me, I'd be depressed and I might have feelings of not wanting to go on. That is how hard it hits you if you are in love with someone, have great chemistry and lose them. You lose a piece of yourself and are never the same.
Since you are 20, you're still in the age range of gathering information on guys to discover what you like and don't like about guys. You are mentally coming up with a picture of what type of guy would be right for you, the kind you might want to marry and have kids with. That's what dating is about, it's not to prove something by staying together long term even if you two are not in love and not going to make parents and marriage partners together. So you're in the learning mode still. the only reason to stay indefinitely with any guy is if you've found the one who wants to marry you. Other than that, I'd say there are some things you both like about each other, but not strong enough to be worth commiting oneself to only be sexual with him or in other words, exclusive.
The fact he comes from a Christian family means the church likely has drilled into him and other youth from puberty on, that sex before marriage is a sin. So if this has been kept secret from Family he likely feels guilt. And guilt in the area of sexuality can really mess up a person emotionally...I know, I watched it happen to a girlfriend in church. She never got over her guilt and now has a disease ridden body due to her not being at peace. I know of others, just the one personally. His turmoil might be that he doesn't agree with the teaching of the church but doesn't have enough backbone to stand up and leave it behind and search for his own spiritual path. He may fear his parents finding out and over reacting like not wanting to see him any more. Or he may be upset with himself, battling the desire for sex while at the same time feeling it is wrong and upset that he can't stay away from it. There's quite a few scenerio's that might contribute to him feeling lost. For the most part, we all feel somewhat unsure or lost until we learn to define ourselves, something that naturally happens with most just around age 30, so as early as 28. This is when we look at what society expects of us and wants us to be, what the parents are wanting you to be, what the friends expect of you, and decide that instead of living up to others expectations and filling them, we are going to discover what we really want to be, who we really are...a time of self discovery and then sticking with it, no matter what anyone else thinks or says or gets upset about. Due to age, he's not there yet, of course neither are you. The only way you will get a better picture of what you like and don't like in a guy is to have dated several long enough to get to know them and discover things about them. A date here and there in between is probably not enough. And since he's been the main one in your life since 16, you are restricting yourself. The object is to discover if the first one is perfect enough for you to spend the rest of your life with, if not, jot down/remember the best qualities and with the next guy go for someone a step better in the areas that were lacking. If he's great but there are a couple serious quirks you can't live with rest of your life, move on again to the next one.Most people see and date several people for a good amount of time before choosing a marriage partner or long term love. I was one who didnt know any better. Marriage the first guy I dated who asked me to marry him when I was turning 20. Since I Lacked perspective of several past dating partners, i did not see that he and I were not a good match and yet i was married 30 yrs and ended up a verbally abusive mariage. You're really still quite young and have more time yet to explore relationships. When I divorced as an older adult and was going looking for my new life partner, I still had sexual needs and was up front and honest and told guys I was not going to commit to one person until I knew I had found someone I could be with the rest of my life. So I was open to meeting as many people for an initial date and if that went well, would see them several times. I hit it off with two guys as friends and there was good sexual attraction but they weren't want i wanted in a long term partner or one wasn't willing to get too close, but it worked for me, they became friends with benefits, knowing that once I found who I was going to commit to for life, they would no longer see me. If up front about it, there are plenty of guys okay with that. Since your friend isn't, he seems to at least subconsciously come to a place of considering you solely his/his property and doesn't want to share. that is unreasonable is he isn't willing to fully commit.
Lastly, when you get to the point of being sexual with someone, there are feelings established that are going to hurt when you split up...I've experienced that. But looking back now that i;m long over them, I am glad I was able to move on or I'd never have found my second husband. Don't let fear of hurt hold you back from leaving if thats what you decide to do. I hope these thoughts of mine help you clarify in your mind what you want to do. But if you want my opinion, I don't see any reason for the two of you to continue to stay together. If you can come up with a convincing long list, then stay. Good luck. Let me know how things go and how you decide if you get the chance.
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From what you have said about him, he seems confused and this is very new for him. Friends with benefits is a very dangerous situation and messes with the heart. Kissing and having sex is a deep connection that can actually show how you really feel. I think you should discuss it with him. The only way you will know what to do is to talk to him about him and ask him what he wants and tell him how you feel. It is very tricky to go from friends with benefits where it seems like theres no feelings for each other to suddenly both having strong feelings toward each other, but it is possible. I know you came to this website for some one to choose for you, but the best advice I can possibly give you is do what you think is best for yourself. If you are a risk taker, risk the relationship. If you're scared, talk to him, but don't just walk away when he says something that. Don't jump into another relationship when you have feelings for him, it's not fair to you or the person you are dating. When someone feels a certain way and they've never felt this emotion before, its hard for them, very confusing and so fresh. You have to be patient with him and if he's worth it, go for it and just be considerate on how he feels. Tell me if any of this helped!
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I'd just let it go. He probably likes you but isn't ready for a relationship right now and doesn't know how to tell you or he thinks you don't like him in that way and thinks oh well life goes on. Men are so good at getting over things quickly and moving on. If he doesn't make the move let it go. If you two are meant to be together it'll eventually happen. If it doesn't work out with him at least you have more opTions can't go wrong there ;)
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