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raising adult kids
Im a single mom raising 2 grown kids.. my 22 yr old son is very difficult to live with..i feel you live under my roof you need to follow a few simple house rules, my house rules are very few and basic... at his age how do you "punish" he does work full time.. but we clash often because he seems to always want to do what he wants.. house rules or not..im at my wits end .. how do we make living under one roof work? i hate to give an ultimatum (to move out) because i dont want my child to feel he is not wanted.. his dad is not in the picture...any suggestions??
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You used the word 'raising' adult kids, rather than 'living' with adult kids.
At 18, they became adults. They may still know very little in life. I have 3 adult children, all on their own and I witness them making poor choices, making mistakes that an older adult finds too easy to avoid doing, simple stuff that should come easy. And I agree it can be very frustrating but as parents, once they turn 18, that's it on the raising them part. After that, they need to make their own decisions. So right now, you and I are still parents, no longer raising them so our role has changed. We can only be their sounding board, someone they come to for advice, not solving their issues for them but pointing out things they may not have seen, things to consider as they make choices to solve their own issues. Keep in mind that kids brains dont complete and become mature and able to make good decisions until at least mid twenties. But for most it can take until 27, 28 late twenties before they mature enough to make good decisions. I have one in the age and she is still making Major mistakes/poor choices left and right.
The only trick is, we can't usually offer advice unless our grown child asks for it. I can only state that I have some perspective and advice I'd like to pass on, would they like to hear it, if open to it, a child will say yes, mine still rarely ask for advice. So I must say nothing and allow them to learn the hard way on their own, often the same way you and I learned.
You are in a tricky situation though with the kids still living with you. Yes, it being your home, you have the right to lay down some ground rules to follow. I do not know if the rules were just verbally given, but you might try writing up a contract and setting them down, both kids, not applying to only the more difficult one as you don't want to look like playing favorites or unfairly. In life, the kids are going to have to meet contracts or have something taken away if they don't live up to the expectations. Don't pay cell bill, you get service turned off for example. I'd suggest putting the rules into a contract and having a good conversation, letting them know that this is no different than what they would face out in the world. I do not know what things are making it difficult for you but I can imagine things such as wanting to play and goof off, invite friends over to party when its not his place or not cleaning up behind himself.
I have heard of adult kids living at home who are required to not only pay a monthly amount to the parents for having a place to stay at extremely low cost, and covering their part of utilities, same as he would face if looking for a room in an ad where someone is looking for a room mate to share costs. You pay half of everything including cable and internet. If the other person is on the lease, you have to pass background or credit check by manager to be added, etc....
So its not unreasonable to ask an adult child to help out by paying. Keeping up after himself is something every adult needs to do. You let him know that now that he is an adult, if he doesn't want to clean up after himself, then he can pay for a weekly maid service, check on rates if that is one of the issues. Because you are a single income yourself and you work and must keep up the house too, you can not have tenants, even if children who can not follow rules of the place.
If he signs a contract promising to uphold it, you let him know on the contract that breaking that promise will result in a notice of ( #) of days to vacate during which he must find another place to live. It would not be "You" putting him, out on the street but himself doing so. This has nothing to do with proving love. But all to do with not enabling him to stay dependent on you, crippling his ability to grow up. It may come down to doing the same a landlord would do. Ask for the key back. or changing the locks and putting all his stuff out on the curb if he won't pick it up and take it somewhere. Hon, this is what is called tough love. If he were living on his own somewhere, it wouldn't fall to you to give him advice on how to avoid getting kicked out of his apt. unless he asked.
Now if some unfortunate thing happened, loss of a job, the unforeseen things that could even happen to you, then it is a good thing to take in a child as long as they are living up to what is expected if they stay with you. That is what a loving parent does. Too often, parents end up fearing having their child say they hate mom or dad when they don't get their way when young. I do not know if this was the case for you. But children don't end up hating a parent for life if they didn't get the cereal they wanted at the grocery or the brand name tennis shoes you couldn't afford. they get upset or maybe angry for while, but they always get over it. Love isn't shown by doing everything for them, allowing them to get their way. One of the real battles you have that has nothing to do with your adult children is how you feel about yourself if you decide to be firm and stick with a contract. If your thinking is that you're a bad parent and they will feel unwanted, then you may need help correcting your thinking first before being able to work something out with your children, finding an arrangement that all compromise on and are willing to uphold. It happens to the best of us dear, so don't feel bad but going short term for some counseling on this may help you. That is how important I believe it is when looking at how the parent feels about themselves in the situation. i'd be interested in hearing what you decide to do and how it works for you. Good luck, from one mom to another.
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