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I don't know how I feel anymore.
I am currently I a relationship with a girl which has been going on for about a year and a half. She is from Norway and is currently at her home for Christmas. She will be back in January.
I have recently started thinking about breaking up with her and I can't seem to understand why. She is probably the cutest girl I've ever met and nice but for some reason she's not what I want.
The only thing that's stopping me from ending it right now is that I don't want to hurt her. I could easily stay with her and keep it going and I'd be content with that but that is not the right choice.
I really don't know why I feel like this and I just want some advice on how I should deal with the situation.
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Don't feel like you have to wait or you will give away a lot of your life. You will have missed opportunities. I mean maybe take a break and if she comes back and you still want her great, but its not fair to you or her to have to wait, what if she found someone out there is it fair for her to feel guilty ? try flipping the situation around and think about how you would feel and you would just want her to be happy right?
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I completely agree with Dragonflymagic.
Why settle for what you're not looking for. I'm positive she's a great girl but there's still something that isn't there for you.
When you're young, a lot of break ups will happen because someone is finding themselves.
I have no idea if you have an idea of what you want in life. Either way, this isn't something you want. And you should focus on yourself. It will hurt her more in the long run if you keep this going and it'll be holding her back from finding someone else who is right for her.
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I have been giving advice to girls on the same situation for quite some time and it works for the guys too. You sound like you have at least some vague idea of what you want in a girl and what you don't want. That's a good start. I know that it doesn't take a year or more to figure out if a person is right for you unless you barely ever see each other like 2, 3 times a month. Then, yes, it would take quite some time to have even a slight idea if a person might be right for you.
The solution for the situation:
First, you need to know yourself really well. We all think we do but if we had to put it down on paper, like a resume for a job you're going for, it is hard to describe ourselves and who we are at core, whats our talents, passions, our personality. It is helpful to a prospective partner to know if you might be right for them or way off the mark. Yes, we all want someone fair on the eyes, someone whom we personally find handsome/beautiful, whether others do or don't. When you have a well defined list of what you want in life, not just in a girl, your hopes and dreams, you will be able to put together a list that consists of two columns. The most important is a list of your needs. Needs are something that if not present in the prospective partner, it's a deal breaker, you don't date or marry them. That's how important the 'need list' is. The other is a list of wants, wants are something you have a personal liking or preferance for but is not a deal breaker if not present. I will now explain further with examples.
Let's say you want to travel around the world throughout your life and she's a homebody. You never want kids and she does. then its not going to work. There will be a guy just right for her, someone who is a homebody and wants kids right away when they marry, and so no one has to give up something important to them or change who they are. That is only something you can pretend and force yourself to do, but it causes more problems internally for the one having to make the most exceptions. In the "needs" department, I don't believe there can be any compromise. Here's my personal example, put in my dating profile when I was looking for a boyfriend with potential for marriage partner after my divorce. I had discovered the ex and I were sexually mismatched, total different libido's, mine high his low and as to what we liked, also too much diversity where one of us would have to pretend and hated to be something we are not. I also came out of Christianity and was now on a more open accepting spiritual path so I must have someone okay with me being on my own path, not aligning with any religion or belief and on those two biggies, there was no compromise. So a Christian would not work on that issue. In fact one guy interested in me, as soon as he discovered my path, freaked out and called me a heathen on the path to hell and told me to stay away from him. He was the one who approached me in public. You will find the same.
Or lets say, you have a certain religious belief and she is different, what will the kids be raised under? I know this all sounds like marriage right around the corner, even if its years off but unless you are dating as a social thing and are not serious about it or your future, then you wouldn't be having these thoughts of uncertainty regarding her.
The key thing here is, if one of you has to change who you are as a person inside on too many issues to be just right for the other, then neither of you are right for each other. You will be right for someone else. And there is nothing wrong with either of you and your differences. Once you figure out someone is not the right one, then it is time to move on and it means breaking up which is painful for people. There are always some kind of heart ties made, caring, or loving and it will hurt but it will hurt worse over the years being with someone not right for you. This is how some of the nicest people, women and men, end up cheating on a partner because they are with someone too different form them on some important levels. Never change who you are to please another. Never stay with the wrong person because of fearing the uncomfortable process of going through a break up.
A want is simple, it's like icing on the cake. It's not necessary but it's very nice. My example, I wanted to find a guy with long hair. I love playing with hair and love the look of longer hair. I would have been willing to settle for a man who totally shaves his head if he could meet the criteria. This list isn't as important therefore, but it is good to have in the case that you end up finding three women who meet all the criteria on the 'Needs' list and the only thing left to help decide between them now is your list of 'wants'.
So make sure first that there are specific reasons why you don't find her right for you, and the uncertainty isn't just lack of having a list like this to confirm she actually is the right one.
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