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Which beau to choose as fiance
I would like to begin by sharing that I am 42 years old, was previously married and have a 12 year old son and 21 year old daughter. My marriage ended five years ago. I was engaged approximately a year after my divorce to a man that I loved dearly. He ended up getting back with his ex-wife out of nowhere and I was blindsided and heartbroken for several years and refused to date until my heart had healed as I was afraid to hurt anyone given that I believe "hurting people hurt others".
Fast forward to approximately nine months ago when I re-entered the dating world unexpectedly. I met a very handsome guy while on a business trip to West Coast(I am based out of Texas). I slowly started dating this lovely guy and we have had a sweet romance. My issue with "west coast beau" is that he reminds me so much of the man that broke my heart into. They look alike, share similar interests and backgrounds. It is obvious the universe is sending me this man for a reason and I cant sort if I should flee or embrace. I will also say that as lovely as he is - he seems to be somewhat insecure and reserved, highly sensitive man. When I am with him he is very much a real life prince charming. I am very confident, independent type so the issue with his confidence and need to be with me, near me, checking on me often times leaves me feeling like I want to escape. How terrible is that? I have perfect guy and I want to flee and I cant determine why. This west coast beau is willing to sell his home and move to Texas in order to have a solid future with me. He has one adult child and is financially secure with ability travel with me and live anywhere.
To complicate things, I met another equally wonderful man recently and am now dating both of them. I have been honest with each to set the expectation that I am dating others and that I am not sure of exactly what I want. Beau number two is a local celebrity and adored by everyone including me. He is handsome, secure and comes across as worlds perfect Dad. He has four children and he is Jewish. My background is Christianity and our faiths don't seem to be an issue as we both embrace differences. He is also based in the same town as I am. I find myself always making my way to spend time with he and his children. We have not known each other as long as have not spent as much time together. We seem to have a strong physical attraction and presence toward each other....I am not typically affectionate but for the first time in my life with this man, I find myself reaching for him, snuggling and just wanting to be as close to him as possible. I have no real concerns with his personality. His children have accepted me and I find all of them to be precious beyond words. My Jewish beau is tapped financially, has career that could end up moving us anywhere and due to the children is not able to travel and has little extra time.
My struggle is that I realize I need to step forward with one of these guys and they both are so amazing and lovely I am having a difficult time deciding. I change my mind from day to day. The last thing I want to do is hurt anyone. Hoping I can get some additional insight from others to help me move forward with a decision.
Bless you all and thank you for anything you can offer up to help me decide.
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This is one of those questions where it would not be right to make a choice for you. Instead our best help is that of someone on the outside looking in hopefully giving you a clearer picture of what you see and what you may want.
Lets start with the cons' side of what I see. Being financially tapped can be as emotionally draining on you and him as being with someone that is somewhat insecure and reserved. Solutions to look for if possible. Which will be easier to correct. Why is Beau number two financially tapped. Is it because he has child care payment s to make and is this the reason why he cannot get ahead financially. This is something you need to find out for if you were to marry would his ex haul him back into court for more child support based on the fact that you are able to support him, therefore he can afford more child support. In some states this can happen.
LDR's are hard to maintain and establish a truly loving relationship. If you were to select Beau number one do you think a more conventional relationship, one where you are together more would bring him out of his shell and make him more secure in himself. They say opposites attract and this is not a bad thing and may be just what you need for a successful marriage. I believe you can put his looking like someone else behind you once you establish a better relationship with him.
The fact is that the longer you keep these two on the hook one of them is going to be hurt when you make your selection so the sooner in this case will be the cause for less hurt to one of them.
You first have to take a good look at what is not a good fit such as what I've pointed out. After deciding if you can fix it or live with it, you will be able to take their individual good points and decide which of these two are the best fit for you. This is something only you alone can decide.
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I don't know what caused your divorce or what excuses your ex gave you, but other than looks or some mannerisms, if this guy is actually saying and doing, acting the same way, on the same path that led to your divorce, then all is not perfect. It sounds like there is a lesson for your soul to learn and until you do, you just may end up with more guys the same or end up divorced again.When you say he's insecure and you are confident, well, confidence in a woman is like a flame to the moth, it draws men to you, whether they are right for you or not. You just need to learn to discover if they are right for you. I had to do the same thing later in life. I left an abusive situation after 30 yrs marriage. I was now wanting to find a man later in life and my Angels told me to write a list of what I need and what I want in a man. This is an exercise that may help you too. However to know what you need in a guy, you have to understand yourself well first. Lets say, its' knowing who and what you are, as if you are selling yourself in a job interview. I did that in an on line dating service. Selling yourself is harder than you think. But I eventually had a detailed outline of who I was. And based on that, I realized then what I required in a man. The needs are a must have, which if a man cannot meet the criteria, it's a deal breaker and you break up. If you have 10 criteria on your list and your guy meets only 3, you don't stick with him just because he actually meets 3 of them, its good but not good enough. You continue searching until you find the one who meets 9 or 10 of the criteria. Taking anything else is settling for less than the best mate for you. Now a list of wants is icing on the cake. Not necessary but would be an added delight...something like hoping for a man with long hair, although you would accept anything, even shaved head. Its a preferance but not a deal breaker for you.
In a relationship, especially a marriage, both partners need to be strong and whole as they come together. A partnership where one is incomplete or lacking some qualities like feeling sure of themselves, means one will be leaning on the other partner all the time, one will be trying to live their life through the other instead of having a life of their own and bringing that to the table in the marriage. It should be the blending of two lives, not one and a half life.
Just by your words, I have my reservations about West coast guy. I cant say if the 2nd guy is better. That you should try looking for is the man who isn't just sweet to you on dates, but is capable of being your best friend through thick and thin, is there for you, is caring no matter what you are going thru, whether you are ill, depressed, sad, angry, stressed, fearful, anxious, or joyful. You've hopefully had girlfriends like that. The special thing about a guy though (if you're heterosexual) is that you not only get to look for your best friend but the man you can have satisfying romance and sex with. You both would need to have a strong chemistry and want the same things in sex. Both parts are what make up a firm foundation for a marriage. With one of those missing or weak, it's a matter of time before the relationship falls apart. I hope this helps some. If you come up with more questions, let me know as I have gone through this just ahead of you and found myself a wonderful 2nd husband.
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