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biomom makes me feel powerless
Been with my fiance 3 years now his daughter just turned 4. We are very happy and his ex simply can't have that. A few months ago she decided I can't be along around her daughter because she simply cannot trust me. I wasn't aloud to help my fiance with things only parents should do IE, making his daughter dinner, helping with baths, putting her to bed. Even though she let her boyfriend do these things I was simply not allowed to. She even went as far as taking his daughter on our week and not telling us where she was when I refused to be her best friend.
I tried explaining to her that being best friends was simply too complicated given the situation but all she heard was "NO" which sparked many issues.
I give distance between her daughter and I as to not threaten her position but she feels threatened by any actions.
Recently she has been asking me to take their daughter randomly throughout the week for no reason. Not even texting my fiance to ask. She does this last minute and has me waiting around to hear back from her. I find this hypocritical after she refused to let me even be alone with her. But it is okay for me to do these things if it is convenient for her.
We have a mutual friend who recently returned home from abroad and she has used her kindness as a pawn to force me into somethi I don't want. Lately she texts me and asks for us all to hang out or if our mutual friend is at my house she tries to invite herself over.
Recently she set up a girls day behind my back. This included me, our mutual friend, my fiance's aunt, her, and their daughter. She planned this and then asked me.
I said no to this and she got very angry. She still had her girl date but without me which is fine. However afterwords pictures were posted on Facebook and her and my fiance's aunt were putting passive aggressive comments tagging me in them. Basically hounding me for not coming with them which made me feel bad and even made me feel like they were speaking negatively about me during this outing.
Later she texted me asking me to once again take her daughter for a few hours. She had me wait around for 3 hours only to text me the last second and say she changed her mind.
My question is, how do I gain control of this situation, I feel like she is trying to drowned me, I don't want to say or do anything that might negatively impact our custody battle and cause unneeded drama. How do I deal with someone who wants to make me their best friend and if she can't have that her worst enemy? I'm confused and don't know what to say or how to stand up for myself in a manner that won't have a negative effect
She is a very hard person to get along with and will be angry if she doesn't get what she wants....
Please help!
A desperate future step mom.
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Talk about being between a rock and a hard place. You're damned if you do a damned if you don't.
The ongoing custody battle is in my eyes the root of the problem. Until that is settled she is going to do everything possible to prove you a bad person or bad parent. This includes all these last minute things and the attempts to spark a friendship. To me she is being very calculating.
What I suggest and you need to discuss this with your fiancé before doing so is this. Sit down and write her a letter, not a text message. Make copies of the letter for your fiancé, his attorney and for hers.
In this letter spell out that until the custody battle is over and you and your fiancé are married these are the things you can do to assist both of them with the care of the little girl. Tell her that you understand that emergencies sometimes happen and when they do you will, if you can step into help. Things such as picking her up from school, daycare, taking her to a doctors appointment and so on. She needs to understand that you are not always going to be available when she needs you and should have backup plans for when this happens.
You should or could also tell her that once you and your fiancé are married and the custody battle is completed. It would be nice if a friendship between all of you could happen if for no other reason than the benefit of the child. Until then you feel it is better for all if a proper distance is kept between you as there are bound to be hurt feelings by one of the parties when the custody battle is settled. To compound these feeling with the possible loss of a budding friendship does not have to compound the problem.
You should finish your letter with that the main concern of all of you should be the child as she is the innocent in this. You will always try to be there for her. Emergencies can be limited with proper planning. With proper planning and notification you can adjust your schedule to do things with and for the child when she or the father are not available. She needs to understand that you too have commitments that you need to honor and with proper planning you all can be there for the little girl.
This is how you take back control. Make sure to CC: at the bottom to show that copies of this letter are going to the lawyers. The reason for sending them to the lawyers is to show that you are not unwilling to help parent the child. That you are being the reasonable one and that she is making unreasonable demands to prove you unfit to parent her child. You can add in the letter some of the things she has done that in light of a court room would make you look unfit. Explained in this form she looks to be the calculating person she is.
Of course before you mail the letter you let your fiancé's attorney look at it first.
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