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my husband wans to file a divorce, how do I save my marriage?
I am having alot of heartache n this alot on my matrenal family... What should I do?
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
I agree that going for marriage counseling is a good idea. However he needs to be willing to go. In having a professional help you both voice your concerns, you either will discover whether this is something you both can work on or perhaps there are special reason why it's not working for him and no amount of counseling would help.
A couple reasons for a marriage splitting: one or both of the couple have changed and grown in ways over the years that they are no long right for each other. That's the simplest I can put it without a complex answer.
The other reason being that one part of the two fold part of foundation of marriage was missing already when you married. I am talking about 2 things that make a healthy marriage, 1 is being the best of friends and the other is being sexually compatible (having that sexual chemistry, same libido and liking to do the same things.) A person can lie to themselves and go through with a long term relationship or marriage even if up front, they had a sneaking suspicion that not all was perfect enough to make it work.
If on the sex side, it comes down to inhibitions, lack of techniques, etc. perhaps a special therapist is worth trying. But if lets say both your pheremones that you give off are not a match, that's something a therapist or counselor can not help. They can't change your body chemistry anymore than you can.
So a gook talk, is in order. If he won't do it or doesnt know how, then you'll need a counselor to start there and discover exactly what the issues are, if they are something a specialist can help you with or not.
As for Maternal family, you're talking about relatives on your mothers side, her parents (your grandparents) and her siblings (your aunts and uncles) If there is heartache, I am assuming that on mom's side of the family, their views on divorce must be something along the lines of being taboo. Would you be ostrasized, left out of your maternal family if you became divorced? Perhaps your dads side of the family is more understanding and you can find support there if divorce does happen.
What you can do, is decide what train of thoughts you will allow yourself on the matter, a general positive outlook or a pessimistic one. Part of it will be understanding that no matter what extended family believe, that it is not their business to meddle in what you and your husband finally decide to do. Yes, it's okay for them to be concerned about your welfare and that of any children but actual telling you what your only choice is according to their opinion is wrong. Your life is yours to live. Not for them to live through you. Once you get to believing that in your mind, no matter how painful your life situation or decisions, you will be doing the best you can under the circumstances and not afraid to do the hard thing and divorce instead of having a marriage license and a spouse who never hangs around anymore, if he's truly unhappy and not loving you and treating you like a Queen anymore, then staying together to please family means you haven't really changed a thing. All that's different is whether there is a marriage certificate or a divorce paper now, but your marriage situation will remain the same if a counselor can't help or he won't try to get help.
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See if he will consider couples therapy to get to a place where you might heal the marriage. It will also help you to understand why he wants the divorce. Try a trial separation. Do not give up your self, though, as you try to get your marriage back. Prepare yourself for the likelihood of divorce. Get your own therapist. Make sure to surround yourself with people you love and who make you feel good. If he goes through with this, you will want support. Feel free to send me a message.
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