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Went to 3rd base, regret, and now she wants to break up
Started out so well.. We loved each other. We knew each other for about 4 years, but I guess we officially started dating 6 monthes ago. Doesn't seem that long but if felt as if we were dating for years.. Anyways long story short. My girlfriends father passed away 4 months ago, and I did my best to help her and support her in any way that I could have. One day we were making out, but we went to third base. And it was a big deal to her... She's the kind of girl that doesn't want to have sex before marriage which I love about her. I did my best not to pressure her at all while we were doing it.. And she enjoyed it, but afterwards maybe a week later she said it was something soo wrong that we did. That we committed a big sin ,, and basically saying that I used her when she was feeling vulnerable and that I assaulted her... I feel terrible, maybe this was my fault... I didn't assault her or force her to do anything she wanted to do. At that moment she wanted to... But, anyways.. Because of this she wants to break up... I so I took the blame agreeing with her that it was my fault and told her that this is something we can work out and move on from. And to just give me a second chance.. She says she had and doesn't feel any better about it saying how she doesn't want to be with me anymore.. And that she doesn't love me as much as I love her.. Telling me that it's unfair for a wonderful guy like me to be with someone who doesn't love him back... I feel terrible, . And don't know what to do. People have told me to give her a lot of space and don't call/message her for a while. But how long should I do that? Idk us going to 3rd base seemed to be like an excuse she was using.. We already talked about it and I thought we got passed it, we agreed that we both wouldn't fall into temptation.. But now she just... Tells me that she wants to break up suddenly. We're both in university, but she decided to withdraw for a year and is staying in a different country at the moment where the rest of her family is... What do I do? How long should I wait.. She doesn't love me anymore.. We used to be awesome together before that happened.. My mind is just all over the place sorry..
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You didn't say what country she's originally from but it may be one that holds strict customs and rules regarding being virgins on wedding night. And if she isn't, she is shamed, or not considered marriage material anymore, and in some backwards places, women are still being put to death for something like this.
Now it may be that her and familys religious belief teaches to remain virgins until marriage. You can find this even in Christian churches and families and many girls these days go thru special ceremonies and wear a promise ring meaning to stay virgin til marriage, it's a serious deal to them. Whether her family now knows, I can't say, but if they do, there's a chance they may have some influence in her choosing to not be with you.
If it's pressure from family, telling you she doesnt love you back may be a plausible excuse she is using to cover up the real reason she doesnt want to be with you any more.
Or, she had time to think and having given you her virginity, she thought along the lines of, I was only going to give that to my husband and so she may have entertained the thought of considering taking you as her husband since you've already had her, and once she began thinking along those lines, is when she realized that she doesn't feel strongly enough, not enough chemistry and/or things in common to be able to do that and that's why she finally told the truth to you. Lots of young people discover these kind of facts unfortunately at a later point in a relationship, rather than at the beginning of first couple dates, or before sex or even before marriage. Some marry and figure this out months later. It isn't an easy thing to go through and someone always ends up getting hurt.
You can trying keeping in contact over the distance and see if she'll open up and share why she is not considering or if what she said is the only reason. It may be she is expected to marry someone of the same belief and you are not?
BTW, when a person goes through something traumatic where grief is involved like losing someone to death, they become more vulnerable to wanting to find any outlet to make them feel a bit more normal and happy again. Its during these times a person easily can let down their own ideals, and guards and allow themselves to do something like she allowed herself to do.
I wouldn't blame you, don't blame yourself. You were trying to be supportive to her so if she was trying to seek solace in sex, and she was willing, it was her decision and you were willing to oblige her. I also don't think there's much chance of anything happening for you with her in future. I would suggest you take time to get over her if she is unwilling to even correspond and level with you in detail and confirm that its over between you. If she is wishy washy and won't give a concrete answer, thats good enough reason to forget her also. If you want to find a partner that may turn into a life long mate, you'll want someone who trusts you enough and can be open and honest with you.
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Lets start with one basic fact that sex for a girl is a much bigger deal for her than it is for a guy. She is the one whose body is being violaed by you penetrating her vagina. Now this is something most women expect and accept once they agree to losing ther virginity and having an active sex life.
The probelem for her is that you took her virginity and even though she may have been willing at the time she is having remorse for doing so because once lost virginity cannot be gotten back. She has planned all her life to give her husband her virginity on their wedding night and in a moment of love and vonarability she gave in to her basic feelings. She sees herself now as damaged goods. Possibly by culture as well as her desire to be a virgin on her wedding night.She is not going to blame herslf she is going to blame the guy who took her virginity.
Time might heal this wound but given the fact that she has withdrawn from school and returned home to another country. I frankly don't hold out much hope for you to regain her love for you. I know you love her that much is evident from your writting. I can only suggest you have yourself a pitty party or do something to get over her and then go out and find some lady that will return the love you give her.
As my mother onece told me in a not so different situation. "Ther are plenty of fish in the sea, rebait your hook and go fishing." That was 44 years ago and 43 years ago I married he love of my life.
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