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How Do I Make a Decision?
22/f
About 2 months ago, my boyfriend of 2 years fell back into his pain pill addiction and I broke up with him. He has had issues with pills for a long time, and the first time I found out, he said he'd get sober but he didn't really give it a solid effort. I told him that while I understood having an addiction is beyond his control, he wasn't taking all of the steps his doctor wanted him to and that I couldn't be with him if he started taking them again. Well, 2 months ago, I found out he had been again and I left him. However, he has been making a very sincere effort to stay sober and has been clean since we broke up. But besides the pill addiction, he has been so good to me. We have so much fun together and up until this last break up, I was positive I wanted to marry him.
After we broke up, I started to see this other guy that I used to hook up with in high school. It started off as just hooking up like once a week, but then we both realized we like each other.. a lot. He's a couple years younger than me and he's so immature, like we're at completely different stages in our lives and it would make no sense at all to be in a relationship with him. But there is so much chemistry and sexual tension that I seriously get butterflies every time I see him. It's become a full blown infatuation, and he feels the same way back.
But my ex and I have got back together, and that makes me so happy. I mean, honestly besides the pills, things were perfect with him. We never fought and sometimes it seemed like we were the same person. With him it didn't seem like I was just "settling," but actually with someone who FIT me. I didn't even take a second glance at other guys until our last break up.
Unfortunately, I can't seem to break things off with this other guy. When I think realistically about the situation, I know I should be with my boyfriend. We're just good together. But then this new guy will call and want me to come over and I'm swooning.
I'm embarrassed that I'm even in this situation. I have been cheated on and it hurts so bad. I hate that I keep doing this but I honestly don't know what to do. I need the opinion of someone who doesn't know me because I'm too ashamed to talk to my closest friends about it.
I feel like my options are limited. I can either stay with my boyfriend and break things off with guy, but keep lusting after him. Or I can leave my boyfriend, but that kind of seems impossible. It would absolutely tear him apart and I think I would regret that later. It's like I know which is the smarter idea, but my heart is willing me to act stupid. This seems like it should be an easy decision but I've been struggling with this for a couple weeks and still have no idea what to do.
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Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
First, you said yourself that the younger guy is immature. All you have is the great sex. But you lack the friendship part. A healthy relationship is built on two main things, having a sexual chemistry and compatibility, the second which is just as important is being best of friends. It is out of that friendship that all the rest of the good things should come. Your close girlfriends treat you nicely or you wouldn't be friends with them. What is important is that you seek out a relationship with a guy who can care about your feelings, be trust worthy, truthful, good at communicating, able to encourage you and support you in following your dreams and talents, and loving everything about you, no matter what you're like 24/7, in different situations like not just happy, but sad, upset, stressed, and wanting to help you to feel better. You also want to be able to be intimate with him as far as being able to share your deepest secrets without fear of ridicule, anger, jealousy, etc.
If you had not gone back to the guy who took pain meds. and were still single, then there would have been nothing wrong with having a "friend with benefits" deal with the younger guy. There's nothing wrong with getting your sexual needs met while still searching for that right guy to be in a relationship with...as long as you and whoever the FWB's have an understanding that this is just for sex because you can't see him being anything more for you. Heck I did that once after leaving my ex and hadn't yet found the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with yet. You have to make that clear to the young man...that he was just company until you either got back with the boyfriend or found someone who could be just the right personality for you.
So break it off, and experience the lustful feelings. Just because the lustful feelings are there doesnt mean you have free license to act upon them. A person needs to learn self control and stick with it. After all, that is what women are expecting from men out there in society. They expect that even though a man who sees them or meets them and feels lust for them, is going to exercise self control and not attack them and go after them for sex. Yes, thats a bit different, unwanted sex, vs in your case wanted...but its the self control I am talking about. This isn't the only time in life you'll find yourself in a relationship and come across a guy, or meet him, who you end up attracted to and drawn to sexually. Your sex drive isn't selective and only there for feeling sexual attraction to one guy. The only choices is: Sex drive is on, or it is off completely and if so, no desire for sex with ones partner. You can't program yourself to never feel instant desire when spotting a certain guy. So you many as well begin practicing self control.
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I'd like to bring up that there's an interesting parallel between your infatuation to the new guy and your boyfriend's addiction to painkillers, though I doubt your attraction to the new guy is as strong as your boyfriend's addiction. There's just something about an addict's mind that only an addict will understand.
Anyway, the advice. This infatuation is temporary. Most of them fade away in time, but you'll have to break contact for that to happen. I'm not saying there will be a day when you'll look at the new guy and not find him attractive, but there will come a time when you don't even really think about the attraction anymore and it becomes something of the past.
I would ask the new guy to stop calling and just stay with the boyfriend. I think that's your best option, but I would personally tell the boyfriend about the other guy before you make that decision. In the process, there's a good chance the decision will be made for you, but I think telling him would be the right thing to do, assuming he doesn't already know.
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