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Making friends
19/m
So I posted this question a couple weeks ago. I tried some of the suggested methods, still I haven't made that many friends and I feel like I'm going through a lot right now so it doesn't help.
I want to make more friends here at college. Right now I have some friends, I'd say 5 or 6. I don't really consider them friends like I consider my friends back home that are still in high school or graduated but left for a different university.
I think I have social anxiety, I hate going up to random people and starting a conversation because I never know what to say to people. I honestly never know. I hate when people tell me just say hi and ask them something, this doesn't work for me. I will never know what to ask, and even if I do, I won't know what to say after that question has been answered by the person.
I struggle with talking to guys, and especially girls. Also lately I have been having a hard time with depression and my school work. I have been feeling very down lately so all of this is adding up. I have been thinking about going to see a counselor or a therapist because I have been feeling very down in the dumps. I know some of it comes from my lack of friends/relationships with people here at college. So far I hate college and regret coming because of everything adding up.
Anyways enough of the depressing stuff... I need some good ideas to help me meet people, or to have people more directly talk to me to get me and become friends or have some relationship with them. I know once I connect with someone I am a good friend and never shut up with them. It's just getting past that part of being scared and not knowing what to say.
I also would like some advice on talking to the girls here. I feel like I am a decent looking dude but the girls here are gorgeous, literally I cannot believe how many good looking girls are here. I feel very insecure talking to them.
Any advice would be helpful as I feel pretty desperate to make some friends, and it just adds to my problems that I think I need to go see a professional for. College has definitely made me question my existence on the planet but I know I need to fix my stuff to be a happier person and get on with my life.
Thanks guys.
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Going away to college is one of life's most disruptive life experiences. That's why colleges have such great counseling centers in general, so take advantage of the resources while you have them. I loved to go to my university's counseling center's workshops on meditation and organization and have met great friends there--it makes everyone a little more approachable when we are all coming together to admit we're not perfect.
As far as the girls being too perfect, it's an amazing and fleeting period in a woman's life. Most 19-21 year old women are gorgeous for all kinds of clever biological reasons. They hold a lot of power over young men (and some old men who haven't learned their lessons yet). At the same time, there's also a bit of tragedy to it. I was a beautiful co-ed and I put a lot of value on that, maybe to the detriment of other skills and lasting values I could have cultivated. I just left my 20s and have ridden the crest to MILFdom, so I'm very lucky I have a spouse who values me as an individual and is still convinced I'm beautiful, because we can't afford Real Housewives style youth-clinging. Each of those women on campus who are impossibly beautiful now will become more and more invisible every year if all they have are their looks. Look at the person underneath the hot girl exterior and get to know the person who remains. In other words, get past the looks, they all inevitably will.
Back to the important point: It is incredibly hard to leave all your friends and start over, I don't know that you're giving yourself credit for how brave you are. Also, though, it means there are lots of others around you going through the same experience and your kind greeting could really save them, too.
Look at the events calendar on campus and try to do something every single day--a lunch talk, a volunteer opportunity, a gallery tour, an ice cream social on the quad, a recruiting event, a choir, a chess club, a newspaper team, a sport or intermural event. Resist the temptation to go home and talk to your friends back home or watch Netflix. We all have a genuine need to interact daily with people, honor that and keep trying. It will take longer than you realize to really build meaningful friendships. You don't have the luxury of having grown up with these people. If the superficial chats aren't filling your need, try to spend a little time in nature, too. Being in green spaces can help lighten your mood and make it easier to approach others. Counseling on campus can help too to make sure you're approaching these challenges with the right attitude and with kind thoughts toward yourself. Next semester will be much much easier.
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