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My Biological Father
I live with my mother and stepdad, but a few weeks ago while walking with my grandmother, I came across my biological father and we made small talk and exchanged cell phone numbers. I haven't seen him in almost a decade and I really want to get to know him again as he does me. The problem is that him and my mother did not have the best history as I was growing up and now that I'm 22 I'm nervous that she may find out that I am in touch with him. Should I tell her or shoyld I keep it a secret?
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Absolutely tell her. Keeping a secret like this can eat at you inside and somehow, someway, chances are she'd eventually find out anyway.
I understand that their relationship has a difficult history. But that's exactly what it is - history. People can and do change and that could easily be the case since they've been apart of so long.
As an adult, you have every right to learn more about your father and I really think your mother, while she may or may not like it, would certainly respect you more for telling her the truth than hiding it from her.
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The one overriding fact her is your age. You are 22 an adult fully responsible for your own life. Getting to know your biological father is important for several reasons. First and foremost you need to know your fathers medical history and the medical history of his parents. This is very important to your medical history. A lot of a person’s medical life happen in a decade that your mom is not aware of that may be important to you and later to your children should doctors need it in treating you.
Then there is the fact that parents are not always honest with children about why they split up. I'm not saying mom has lied to you. What ever happened between them was really between them and did not involve you. Your parents may have decided to shield you from whatever happened. His I'm sure has given you a one sided view of the divorce maybe even one that paints a bad picture of your dad.
You are old enough now to be able to separate the fiction from the non-fiction and decide for yourself what happened. You are also entitled to have a life with your father if you want one. There may come a day when you walk down the aisle to be married and you may want your father to walk you down the aisle. This is totally your choice for it will be your wedding. But your dad can only do so if you ask him and only if you have gotten to know him and trust him.
You have been fortunate that I believe your grandfather has been able to stand in for you absent father. Wouldn't it be nice when you have children if they had both a father and grandfather to depend on?
Remember whatever the problem was it was between mom and dad. You have every right to know your father and I suggest you do not hide it from your mother that you have made contact with him. If she objects first inform her of the first reason I gave you. Then tell mom of the fact that you are an adult and you have a right to know your father if you want to. That she divorced your father you did not.
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Parents don't usually explain to the kids why they split up and sometimes they don't even really understand why. I don't know if it was something really serious, terrible destructive behavior or more like the two of them just being a mismatch personality wise and other and it was best to part. If the latter is the reason, and they parted as friends, then there should be no bad feelings for her arising when you bring up his name. If it was somethings really traumatic like domestic violence, it may bring up bad memories. But even so, it was for her to learn how to over come any emotional trauma by now, either on her own or with professional help. THE relationship you will have with him may not have any conflict because you are an entirely different personality and there may be no conflict there.
You are an adult and dont need her permission nor her approval. But it would be a nice gesture to let her know that you ran into him and are planning to spend time getting to know him. You want her to know from you so she doesnt find out from someone else or accidently discover it herself. You are telling her as mainly courtesy, not to stir up bad feelings for her. If she wishes to know how your times with dad go, you'd be glad to tell her. If she prefers to know nothing at all, you'd also be glad to abide by her wishes. Give her that choice only, hearing details or not.
One day you'll marry and have kids, his grand kids too. That changes lots of things when there were bad feelings in the past for some. You may have to decide which man walks you down the aisle or have a step father on one arm and bio dad on the other, honoring both because each put in about equal time with you. When it comes to Wedding someday and letting him see the grand kids, thats up to you, your choice. that day Will come. It's better mom gets used to the idea of you reconnecting with dad now so its less adjustment for her come time your getting married and having kids.
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