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Should I stay or go?
I'm 18 years old. I have been with my boyfriend for 1 year and 4months, and Before that ,we were good friends. I've been getting frustrated a lot lately because I feel like my boyfriend is still trying to find himself . He's a good person , but he has influences that cause him to feel angry/depressed . His mom is what I would describe a person who means well but shows it in wrong ways , causing my boyfriend to feel like he is a mistake . This can cause him to be a negative person . Then my boyfriend has these days were he is very positive he feels thankful to have me and is very happy . My problem is , I just started college and I feel like there is so much going on in his life that it's starting to stress me out . I love him to death don't get me wrong but I feel like the choices he's making is showing his true colors and I don't want to be stuck with the person for the rest of my life that I don't agree with any of his choices . Am I being to picky? I feel bad because he's been through so much and I want to be here for him but if he's going to be drinking and smoking while I'm working hard to get a degree , is this really worth it?
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You would appear to be 'investment-reward' driven, which is self-explanatory really. You get out what you put in. At present I would say he is NOT. I'd hazard a guess that he's putting most of his willpower and efforts into just believing he's a worthwhile and confident person right now? Our childhood, the environemt we grow-up in, are very influential in our make-up, our attitudes and values. But not entirely predictable. The attitudes of his mother seems COULD have made him a very POSITIVE person (determined to prove his worth, and prove her wrong). Or they could have undermined his feelings of self-worth and self-esteem and basically made him feel his IS of rather little value. Which certainly sems to be the case here. However, YOU are now an influence too! As a practical attempt at a solution, how about giving yourself a definite time limit? Keep pouring out the positives, keep reinforcing YOUR belief in him and watch to see if he begins to make real, tangible and definite attempts to live up to this belief. Attempts to take-up the challenge and assert himself in the REAL world outside of home. If he does not then I feel that you will always see him as an under-achiever, and compared to your...well, he will be. And so the best course of action would be to let him go, harsh as it sounds. You are right, you cannot commit to a life with someone who's values are diametrically opposed to you own in such a fundamental way. And sympathy is no footing at all to build a relationship on, it's almost certain to fail. Shape-up...or ship out, to be blunt. Best wishes. You could be the making of him, but he's got to provide the materials HIMSELF and start showing potential NOW! X
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From age 18 to about 23 is the WEIRDEST TIME OF YOUR LIFE for a number of a reasons... but the biggest one is because everyone you know is going to do that "find themselves" thing and try to break out of being a child, but not really grow up.
You're on a good path. I feel personal pride for you knowing that you're in college and have a goal. You may have noticed that not everyone is going to be like that... and as a side note, some people are going to start with one goal and halfway through find a new goal, or lose track of their goal and things get weird. BUT, you have a good path going on and you can't let someone else ruin that for you.
You wouldn't be the first couple to split up because of college and life changes. You also wouldn't be wrong to split up just because you don't like the person he is becoming. That's your right as a part of the relationship.
And yes, you're going to feel a little bad because in your head you're leaving him while he's going through a lot, but you shouldn't feel bad. Life is up to the people living it. You can't fix his life, and you can't let him drag down your own.
Not to mention, you are really going to enjoy talking to and potentially dating people at your college... they're going to on your same level mentally, and you'll temporarily fall in love with a liberal arts major, and it will be a story to tell your kids in the future as a reason they, too, need to go to college. Lol.
Have fun. Live well. Regret nothing.
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First and foremost you are the one that has to make the decision to go or to stay. We as advisors can take what information you give us, digest it and feed it back to you in another form so you can see it in a different light; one that hopefully will allow you to see more clearly what you are looking at.
To start with you are 18, starting College and you see a side of your boyfriend you do like or is causing you to question yourself. There is nothing wrong with this. Loving someone and being in love are two different things.
You are working hard to get a degree to better yourself and to make a better life for yourself. This is the American dream. You question if you being picky to work so hard and then all he wants from life is booze and whatever it is he is smoking. You may have been a good match in high school where things are more controlled. Now that you are both more and less out on your own you are growing and he is staying shall we say stagnant.
In my view this does not make for a happy or good relationship. If you have gone away to school I also do not see him hanging around waiting for you to return for visits. Phone calls and texts are a nice way of communicating but they are not even close to having a warm body by his side.
You on the other hand are not going to be stagnant. You by virtue of college life and learning are going to continue to grow and mature. The questions you have now will co9ntinue to grow larger. We see this all too often when in a couple one works so the other can go to school. The theory is one supports the other then the other upon graduation supports the supporter while they get the degree. This works in theory though in many cases they grow too far apart in the process and separate.
This is what I believe you will face if you attempt to stay with him out what appears to be some sort of obligation you feel for or towards him. To me this is a relationship that in the end will fail and you will be more hurt later rather than now. This though is a decision you have to make.
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