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Is This Normal?
What is considered the normal way to grieve for a beloved friend who has recently committed suicide? Is it abnormal or even crazy to dump your current significant other of several months and develop romantic feelings for the guy who died? (Let's call that guy Levi just so we have something to call him BTW.) Would that be sick or unhealthy in any way?
I just miss Levi so, so much. I miss the time I had with him, I miss his smile, his laugh, his wonderful ability to make me and anyone else laugh until we hurt. Most of all, I miss his kind, generous, and loving heart.
I'd do anything to be able to go back in time and save him, or even just spend some more time with him. I'd give a kidney, an ovary, an eye, a limb, and 40 years off of my life to have been able to prevent his death, but of course it's too late.
I've also seemed to develop a bit of an anger issue since his death. Sometimes I feel like Jekyll and Hyde because I can be calm one minute, explode the next, and then go back to being calm. I don't know if this anger is really for Levi, the situation, or myself for taking him for granted.
One thing that can easily spark my anger is people judging him. As a devout Christian, I believe in Heaven and Hell, but unlike some, I don't believe that suicides go to Hell. Not if they've accepted Jesus that is. I believe that anyone who does that to themselves cannot be in their right minds and that God has mercy on them for that reason. Levi was mentally ill with bipolar disorder and clinical depression. Something was not working right in his brain at the moment he decided to end his own life and I believe God understood that and took him to Heaven where is happier and doesn't suffer the problems he did here on earth.
Needless to say, some people don't feel the same way and I get so mad when I hear some judgemental person who thinks they know more than God claim that Levi's in Hell. These people did not even know him. He was a devoted Christian, he loved God, he accepted Jesus, but these people claim that he died because he worshipped the "God of the unbelievers" as if that even makes sense. Also, they put him down and spit on him for killing himself when they have no idea what a great, kind hearted person he was. He really, honestly was an inspiration to me to be a better person, but his suicide was caused by him being sick, not cruel or selfish and certainly not evil.
The break up with the guy I was seeing was partially caused by romantic feelings for Levi and partially because I felt that I needed some space from my now ex that guy. He was a great guy, but I felt like things were kind of dying between us anyway. I don't want to become the kind of person who distances herself from everyone and keeps all of her feelings bottled up though, nor do I want these new feelings for Levi to make his death more painful.
Are these feelings normal? Is having grown an obsession with suicide and mental illness normal for someone in my situation? What is the normal, textbook way to mourn the loss of such a precious life that did not have to end, but that did end at the hands of the person whose life it was? Any tips on how to get through this?
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What's going on with you is very normal, don't worry. :)
It can be hard to deal with at times like this, but some people with strong religious beliefs feel the need to preach, unsolicited at others at the most inopportune times. This is an unfortunate fact of life that you'll deal with from time to time. Nobody can know what happens after death. That's why we call them "beliefs". It's hard to be polite to people when they are being forceful and/or insensitive, but that's the best way to go. Politely excuse yourself from any conversations about where someone goes when they commit suicide and don't start any of your own. Don't argue with anyone, try to convince them of anything, or try to change their minds. No amount of debate will change anyone's minds and it's just going to make people upset for the wrong reasons. It's just not a productive thing to do. You know in your heart where he is and that's all that matters.
Even though what you're going through is completely, 100% normal, there is still something that you need to do. In all likelihood, you have easy access to grief counselors through your school. Talk to someone about how you're feeling and the choices you've been making recently. Breaking up with your boyfriend, even though it wasn't just because of this event, wasn't wrong, but it could be a concern. It's a red flag. You want to make sure that you're okay and that your life isn't going to spiral out of control suddenly. You may feel like you're alright, but it's good to talk to someone just to be sure. Grief counselors are awesome people that have a lot of experience in helping people understand their feelings and do the right things.
You're going through a lot right now. Try not to make any big life changes or decisions for awhile. Even though what you're going through is natural, it's definitely hard to handle. Good luck.
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Hi there. The loss of a loved and cherished person is never easy. When they are young and die by their own hand it is maybe even much harder to bear. There's no right way or normal way to handle the emotions this is going to raise, only right for you. You're going to go to some dark places in your mind sweetheart. And you're going to jump through some emotional hoops. And just like the way you cannot buy back Levi's life with your own sacrifices, I'm afraid nobody can visit the dark places or jump through the hoops for YOU. You just have to expect them, be strong and face them. It's not unusual for a shock like this to make you examine your own life very closely, and feel a burning desire to make sweeping changes To anything and everything. If you can steel yourself to resist this it will probably be better. You won't think so maybe, but what you really need now is as much stability as you can hold on to. Keeping as many aspects of your life UNCHANGED as possible. Keep your solid points of reference. Fixed and familiar datums. Make yourself a deal, maybe? If they changes still look a good idea in six months, you'll change them. For now focus of tranquility and stability and don't just overturn everything on impulse, just for the sake of changing them, for the sake of feeling as though you are acting. You are RE-acting right now and you will be for a while yet. I'll venture one suggestion, based on sheer instinct and risk you telling me to mind my own business and butt out! I do wonder if the boyfriend you dumped has already fallen victim to this natural kick-back? You've invested a good deal of time and effort in the relationship I'd imagine? It might be an idea to contact him, maybe tell him your emotions are so turbulent right now you don't know what or how to feel about anyone or anything. And you can't face the relationship just continuing as it did before, as though nothing had happened. But would he be willing to stay close, as a friend and support? If he says yes then it may be that he too has a kind and beautiful heart and will become someone very special indeed. My thoughts are with you at what must be an incredibly difficult time. You will not ever forget Levi of course. But YOUR heart will begin love and feel again, you will see light and life around you again and you will dare to hope and plan for the future again. And really, isn't that what your beloved and already sadly missed friend would have wanted for you? Would he want YOU to face the despair and void he would have faced, the belief that no life at all was the better option? I'll tell you for sure, he would NOT. Hang in there sweetheart. I guess you feel shut-off from everything right now? Numb, sort of half and half twilight existence, no light...just shades of dark? Time a bit of a blur? Grief makes us feel isolated and alone. You are not alone. Everything is still there, you've just lost sight of it right now. You'll find a way through. XX
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I would say your grief is normal. People grieve in their own way. Then there are many different stages of grief. From what you have written you have gone through several of them and will probably go through others.
I lost a great friend someone I called my brother from another mother a few years ago. At first I was very mad at him for leaving me, not that he had a choice he was very sick. I hurt for a long time and writing this to you brings back some of that hurt. Football season is coming and my missing him will return to the forefront of my mind as we would spend hours in friendly arguments as to whose team was better. I miss those times and others.
Different from you is I don't have others talking bad of him and that is wrong, especially if they know how you feel about him. You have your beliefs and they have theirs some have very strong beliefs when it comes to suicide. I suggest you let them speak their mind a just let it roll of your back as you will not convince them otherwise. Get mad at them or arguing with them will not change things.
As for having romantic feelings for your friend now that he has passed; I feel this is one of the stages of grief that you have to go through in order to grief for your friend. This is part of your grieving process so that makes it normal. If I were a female I could see myself grieving in a similar manner for my friend as we were that close.
Our friendship was the type where we were never all that close geographically but in spirit we were always together. One of us always knew when the other needed the other. It was strange how we would call one another when one of us was having a bad day or just feeling down. That phone call changed our whole prospective on the day. I miss these calls and there is no one who can take their place.
If this is the type of friendship you had with Levi then you have the right to grieve in your own manner. You need time to grieve as well and the grief doesn't stop at the end of the calendars grieving period.
Grieve for your friend as long as you need to and always remember him. The hurt though should stop soon if it doesn't then you might want to consult with a grief consular to help with the grieving process.
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