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Are we more than friends?
20/f
Junior in college
He is 22
Senior in college
The last week of my sophomore year, I hooked up with this guy. Ever since, we've been texting nonstop. When he's with his friends, when he's on vacation with friends, when he's with his family, in class, at work. He's a cool guy and I like having him around as a friend. We talk about anything, it's just so easy with him. We talk about how hard it was to become friends because or mutual friend didn't want us to be friends because she felt like she was being replaced to anything like him telling me why my battery in my phone doesn't last as long as his.
One day he was acting kinda different and we're friends enough that I can call him out on it and I said I just felt like he didn't really wanna talk anymore since we hooked up and I felt like that was all he wanted and he went into this big thing that if all he wanted to do was hook up, then he wouldn't have went through all the drama with our mutual friend to be friends with me.
I've slept over his place a few times, he's slept over mine. But only the last night I spent at his house, did he try anything sexual and I liked that about him, that he didn't rush anything, he waited til we've spent a few nights together to see if anything was there.
He tells me countless times when he's drunk at the bar, with his friends that he wants to cuddle and that I'm such a good friend to him because I pick him and his friends up from the bar and make sure they're all okay.
^^^This was all last semester from the time we started talking to the last week, that we hooked up.
We went our separate ways for the summer and we still texted every day but we never hung out because we live far from each other.
We've been planning this play fight all summer and he said the day we move back into school that it's happening. I joked that if I won, we aren't friends anymore. He asked what he gets if he wins and I told him anything he wants and he answered back "Huh. I'll remember that when I win."
A few times, he was cute this summer but nothing like before. Like, he texted me that he was watching a basketball game and I texted him something back with "that sounds pretty great" in it as a reply and he texted back "you know what would be pretty great? if my team wins and you were here to scratch my back." Because every time we would spend the night together, I would scratch his back.
School starts back up tomorrow but we've been moved in for about three days. Well, he's been, I'm commuting. We still text every day. Last night, I told him where I was going to hang out and he asked if he could bring his friends to which I said okay but then he said they can't come because his friend got so bad and they didn't want to bring her to where I was in case she would get sick and ruin anything. So, I joked with him that I'm never gonna see him because we're both busy and have our own friends and own lives and he said "you know, you never asked me to hang out over the summer, or we would have seen each other."
Even right now, as I type this, I'm texting him and he's complaining that he can't load his email at school because the wifi is so bad and I asked why he didn't have it on his phone. He said he couldn't figure out how to do it, so I tried to explain how to and he just answered "how about you just do it for me some time :)"
I know it seems like it's punching me in the face that he likes me but I don't know why he doesn't ever ask me to hang out or ask to just see me anymore. Last semester it was so easy that he would just randomly text me and say "hey, are you doing anything tonight, if not, come spend the night" or anything as easy as that. Now, it's like, I get nothing like that.. he tells me all the time that he's with his buds or going to the bar and that kinda thing. I know, class didn't even start yet and I'm jumping the gun but I'm jumping the gun so I know how to handle this.
Do you think there is anything there, feelings wise or attraction wise? Do you think he's waiting for me to make the moves now since he did last semester? I don't have a room on campus since I'm commuting so I can't really do anything about that. Why is it so much different now when he made it so easy last semester?
Thanks.
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You ask, is anything there like feelings? Well, if you both got to the point of spending time together, trusting each other enough to just cuddle and sleep with no sex to start, I'd have to say that there is feelings of friendship at least.
As to attraction, you can answer that easily yourself, would you have sex with someone you didn't have even a slight attraction to? No. Because it would be a turn off. We would have great difficulty getting aroused.
So of course he is attracted. I feel that the greater amount of both sexes have their differing ways of going about relationships, sex and dating. There are exceptions but for the most part, a female believes that the moment a guy starts hanging around or even has sex, that he wants a committed relationship and has developed feelings for her. It will only be the guys and gals who have a list in mind of what they are looking for in the opposite sex, and are looking for that who will make a commitment to such a person soon after finding them. Most guys and gals do not have a clue what it is that they need and want in a partner. Guys will go about casually spending time with a girl to find out what it is he likes about girls and her in particular. The more time spent together is for the purpose of getting to know the person deeper, not just on a surface level like casual friends. Sex comes into the picture because it is a valid item in committed relationships. The two need to know that they each have enough things in common sexually such as their likes and dislikes, any fetishes, and strength of libido, whether one's wanting it more or less than the other...cus it should be the same.
Sounds to me like your guy friend is someone who is exploring what he likes in a female by just spending time with them. He may not be consciously putting a list together as I did when searching for a 2nd husband, but his subconscious mind will record some of the things he likes. Its hard to put together a list of what you will like until you have experienced it. Like for example, how could you know ahead of time if you like Sushi, or Saki wine before you have ever tried it? You can guess. But once you try, may decide "Oh, it sounded like a good deal but i now realize that I don't like it. Same with personality traits, and such.
Dating, hanging out with, seeing each other is for determining if there is interest beyond basic attraction, discovering more about the other to determine if you like and can handle their personality traits, and whether there's enough in common, or evidence of destructive habits or tendencies in one or both people that would harm the partner emotionally and/or physically and kill the relationship. Depending on what you discover, you either continue dating the person and take it to the committed couple level or you break up. If you break up, you look for the next dating partner, always trying to find someone a step better than the last partner, basing your choices for the new person on traits you discovered that you liked enough to look for in the next person, while at the same time avoiding the other things that you won't tolerate.
Neither of you have asked each other what the other is looking for right now at this point in life so that is why you have unanswered questions that truly we can not answer, but only guess at. If you really want to know, learn how to ask questions. Questions like "What do you think would make the ideal partner for you?" "What would you say is your main purpose for hanging out with the opposite sex? A. You just prefer female best friends B. Nothing serious, just for the social-ness. C. Trying to form an idea of what you like in the opposite sex for future reference in getting into a long term relationship or D. You know exactly what you are looking for in a woman and are seriously looking for your soul mate to marry after you get out of college. You can customize questions to your own type of way of talking.
You can also ask if he's the type of person who is more currently interested in friends with benefits. If is good to know if he plans to see and hang with other females at the same time...which there's nothing wrong with as long as both know neither is at the stage of looking for commitments right at the beginning.
As for making the moves, are you saying that the only times you got together were times that he asked you or made the first contact or suggestion. Cus if you weren't sharing in showing an interest to be with him by asking, he may thing that you weren't as interested as he was IF he was.
Girls who only let the guy make all the moves, suggestions and so on, are not going to be as exciting a prospect compared to the gal who has confidence, knows what she wants, and goes after it and isn't afraid to ask for what she wants.
This type of action from a gal puts a guy on firm ground of not having to guess where he stands and what is expected of him. If this guy cant be that for you, then he will tell you so. Then you can back out in a friendly manner and keep up the search for the right guy.
So my advice is for one...to stop guessing and start communicating with him.
To be able to tell him what you are looking for and what you want in a guy, you need to actually really know that for sure, no guessing in this.
If you don't know, thats okay...but you can't expect any commitments or more from him when he does not yet know what you are looking for. You can also ask him what he is looking for with questions that will give you clear answers as to where he is at and what he is looking for.
Good luck
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You are just friends. I'm sure he is attracted to you. I'm sure he has feelings for you. But, you are still just friends because neither one of you have made a move to be anything more. Moreover, you have given him signs that you are not looking for a relationship.You sent the wrong message by hooking up with him outside of a relationship.
Agreeing to date someone is a commitment. People need to think about whether or not they are ready to commit to developing a relationship with just one person. If you hookup outside of a relationship, you are essentially saying "Let's not think about the commitment stuff right away. Let's just go with the flow". Unfortunately, this casual attitude does not encourage either person to think about taking things any further emotionally.
The other thing to consider is that men are emotionally lazy. They like to do as little emotional work as possible. If you hookup with them outside of a relationship, that sends the message that you are happy with the friendship the way it is and that no more work is necessary on their end. Refusing to hookup outside of a relationship motivates men to take initiative ato begin a relationship. Why did he make it so easy last semester? Simple: he had to in order to catch your eye and to get you to progress physically. Hooking up with him made you seem like you require less work than he had originally anticipated.
I'm sure he is still interested in you, but you are going to have to change this casual attitude he is taking towards you. My advice is to continue the flirtatious texting. This guy clearly enjoys talking with you. But, during your conversations, don't ask him to hang out. Don't ask why you haven't hung out. Play a little hard to get Let him come to you. On the other hand, if he asks you questions such as "Do you want to hang out?" "Are you looking for a relationship?" or "Do you like me?", etc. you need to answer them as honestly as possible. If he asks you a question, be direct. That is NOT the time to flirt or play hard to get. Serious questions need serious answers.
If you let him come to you but remain honest about your feelings for him when asked, you will end up dating him. If someone else doesn't get to him first.
Toodles,
Miss Piggy
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