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Husband's cuckhold fantasies are making him so angry he won't even talk
***I'm not sure who this question was initially sent to when I wasn't logged in, but I wanted it sent to the entire pool, so if there is a duplicate, please delete the other, wherever it landed.***
My husband travels a lot for work and is currently away for a few months. We've always talked several times a day whenever he's been gone, but 3 days ago, he said he needed a break to focus on work, but since he's still using his personal email a half dozen times a day--I know because it syncs w/ our home computer so I can see what he does, but I didn't look at it until it had been nearly 60 hours since hearing from him--I know he's not THAT busy because he's emailing plans for a big drinking/strippers party with his buddies. Originally he told me to save the date so I could go to an event that same weekend, but he's writing everyone else that no wives are allowed.
So we did have a fight, which is undoubtedly the real reason he doesn't want to talk. He claimed I "wasn't on his side," in a conflict, and it drove him crazy that I didn't think my friend was wrong.
My husband constantly asks me to look up other guys on dating sites to sleep with to make a sex tape for him, and I'll help him fantasize about it and say filthy things, but I've never actually gone looking or taken it seriously. He suddenly contacted two people on my behalf without asking me, which is really embarrassing, because we know them. One is a friend of his, who politely declined, but to teach my husband a lesson for pimping me out to his friends, I sent him a series of texts that made him think it happened for six minutes, during which time he was going crazy with jealousy and fear, so I thought it was over. Then, when I was planning on visiting my friend and his wife (the center of this conflict), my husband got the idea to propose to him he make a tape with me. So the offensive thing my friend said was he would do 1st & 2nd base, but nothing below the belt--and since he "told" my husband what would happen rather than collaborating; whereas I felt my friend & wife had their own limits, and since they were well below what my husband was requesting, he was merely asserting how far he was willing to go. Husband said the tone showed he was trying to move in and alpha-dog him, so I can't be friends with them. He's never made this kind of rule, and it would have been awkward for me anyway, so I didn't visit them.
I want to make my husband happy; I don't know what drives him to these powerful, almost obsessive fantasies of me cheating on him whenever we talk dirty, but I know for sure he doesn't want it in real life and neither do I. I actually worried that he was cheating because being cut off is so unusual. I asked about other women and he said no one could hold a candle to me, I was being insecure. I believe him with about 98% confidence, but I still feel shut out, even if another woman's not the reason.
Last time we talked, my husband threatens/jokes about being celibate, because he says that the only fix for one extreme is another. I feel like he's being unfair, but I don't know how to make him see/care that he's not treating me well when he plans juvenile parties, tells people to sleep with me, and cuts me off instead of talking it out. Also, if my friend was wrong, I'd like to be convinced so I can agree with my husband and make him feel better.
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So your main concern seems to be the aggressive fantasies and the lack of communication, especially after a conflict. If you really want monogamy, you are functionally celibate while you're apart, so maybe jokes like that aren't a big deal. You can't know if it's just a threat until he's back. Also, since he's away, it's harder to build back up any lines of communication, and there's nothing you can do if he's being distant. You simply have to be strong and find other things to fill your time that fulfill you. You want to have your own life to fall back on in case anything goes wrong here. Don't check his email again, it's not going to make you feel any better, assume he's still being juvenile so long as you don't hear from him directly.
The sexual fantasies are worrisome in so far as they don't respect you, assuming you were clear that in going along with the dirty talk that you were simply fantasizing and not actually out to sleep with anyone else. Imagination is powerful, and maybe you didn't want to kill the mood by being forthright? Again, there's not a lot you can do about someone else's fantasy life. Whether your friend was right or wrong doesn't really matter, there probably wasn't an answer your friend could give other than a solid "no" to make him happy, and if that friend said no, he'd probably try someone else. Regardless, it's not good sportsmanship to cut off contact if you disagree with him. How long have you been married? This kind of communication breakdown doesn't usually lead to a long relationship. This kind of bullying isn't good for you and it won't make him appreciate you more to take it.
Take whatever steps you need to in order to make the life you're wanting with or without him, because you can't make someone respect you, but you'll have a better shot at being respected by yourself if you act as if you deserve respect.
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He's letting his fantasies go way out of control so that they control him and make him lose better judgement. I am okay with fantasies as long as BOTH partners want to do it and both get a charge out of it.
He is being selfish, thinking only of his needs not yours. And how long have you been married? This kind of thing doesnt show up in a person overnight and all of a sudden become an issue. I am guessing its been there all along and he finally went too far for you. Setting dates without your permission is a good example of not caring about how you feel and is a very controling way to act and yes I can see it as abusive conduct too.
The problem here is there is imbalance in this marriage. You said,I want to make my husband happy. thats the problem. You can not make him a happy person. Happiness is a feeling based on happenstance, experiences and if those events don't go the way you want, you keep striving for more and more extremes cus you find yourself still unfulfilled. Thats what your husband is doing. Now joy is something that no one can take away. Joy comes from within you, from your core, and it not affected by outside influences, therefore a person who is truly joyful doesnt need to be made happy. A joyful person has a never ending amount of joy, like an overflowing fountain that touches all those around them and cheers them as well.
I believe its going to take an outside source to make him see that he is doing destructive things to you and the marriage. Go see a marriage counseler. If he wont go, you'll need to decide if you are willing to continue to settle for less in a marriage. I dont know if there are children in the marriage, if not..nows the time to run. If there are, think about the effect this will have on them in time. Kids are all eyes and ears and believe me, they WILL pick up on whats going on and then you'd have to worry if your son will think dads behavior is normal for all males and learn to do the same.or a daughter watching you believes its her role to serve husband and put up with whatever he wants. Kids if you have them deserve better than that. If counseling doesnt help or he won't go, you just may have to leave.
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Your husband needs therapy, ideally by himself and with you. But if he only willing to do one of those - then just get it started.
He's being abusive. I know it's a scary word, but it's accurate. Exposing someone (you) to sexual situations they haven't consented too is abuse. The lies, the manipulation, the confused drive to both shame you and control you... It's impossible to guess why he is doing this, but the what is clear: he is demanding an unacceptable degree of control over you and he is deliberately exposing you to situations you haven't consented too.
Your friend is not wrong to have boundaries, or to express them and stick to them. Your husband's inability to deal with another person telling him the truth and setting healthy limits is just another sign of how deeply confused he is right now and how desperate he is to exert control over others - especially you.
If he can't get these impulses under control, or find healthier ways to express his sexual interests, he's going to loose you. Right? You don't plan on sticking this out forever if it stays like this, right? If not, tell him so. It's not a threat. It's just a fact. His behaviour will kill all the love between you two. Tell him to get his butt into therapy if he wants to keep his marriage.
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