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Friendship problems, me and my not talking?
Its been almost 2 weeks now since me and one of my bestfriend basically stopped talking to eachother. Idk what to do because im constantly thinking about it and its been making me a bit depressed lately.
Here's the story: Me and my friend used to be very close but within time he caught feelings for me that were more than friendly. He told me it was mainly because i had helped him through alot and been there for him. I didnt feel the same way and kind of wanted to stay just friends. He was hurt once i told him and he countinued to crush on me for like 6 months. He would start dropping flirtatious comments in our conversations that used to be just joking around. He started bringing me gifts to school which he made me accept. He told me he would think about me and dream about me every night. He would get very jealous and possessive over small things like me hugging my other friends goodbye (that happened to be boys) when i was about to leave. He just started to become a bit obsessed not taking no for an answer. He turned into this completely different person. He tested our friendship constantly.I would constantly tell him to start treating me as a friend and NOT as his girlfriend in an attempt to save our friendship that basically only i was fighting for. One day he told me that one of his friends came to him saying he should "date a girl to make me jealous" and at the time he assured me he would never do something like that to me. Not too long after that he did just that. He told me a while ago about this girl that supposedly lived across the street from him. She was suppose to have this big obsession with him and liked him ALOT. He told me he didnt like her back but also would make up little stories about her coming to his house and force kissing him or she staying over his house and sleeping beside him and stuff like that. Then he would have me "chat with her" over his phone and she would basically drool over him and call him hot and tell me how much he loved me and not her and how sad he was that i rejected him. Well later i found out the girl actually lived in Mexico and spoke barely any english. (She had a fb so i messaged her) I was pissed he lied to me about everything just so i could be jealous about it (which i wasnt). So we had stopped talking for a while and he was pretty upset and whatever and had regrets which convinced me that he wouldnt try it again so i forgave him. I made him promise never to lie to me anymore and we put it behind us. Recently he told me he was dating this girl that was Japanese he would start comparing her to me saying she's prettier and saying all these things about her. He sent me a picture of her (which i didnt ask for) and it showed this very pretty Asian girl that looked like a model. At the time i was fishy to if the picture was real because you could see very faintly a website name in the corner. So i searched the picture on google and found it everywhere on websites with Japanese hair styling models. So i confronted him and he denied EVERYTHING saying he was being god honest with me that was her and that he had promised he would never lie to me again and that he was sticking to that. But the thing was the evidence was THERE i found it on over 700 results on google which proved it was a fake. So he kept denying it for weeks until eventually he admitted it. So i told him to stop speaking to me and dont text me anymore. Now he keeps sending me pleading messages on FB saying he's very sorry and that he knows he's a bad person and he just wants me to talk to him and that he admitted he was "so obseesed with me it made him push the limit". Now lately i have been depressed because this guy was one of my bestfriends (before all this stuff happened) and we were really close and we used to talk to eachother about problems we were having and help eachother through it. I really trusted him. Im the kind of person that cant hold grudges too long (past personal reasons) and because it drives me crazy to keep someone in your head. My heart is weak. Even the people that kick me to the curb or hurt me i still see some type of good in them and think that there must be a reason to why they do the things they do. I think that the person would change within time or with someone supporting them. Unfortunately i learned the hard way. But now we going to start school soon and im afraid it will be kind of awkward because we both stay after school a bit later when all of our friends have gone home because we have late car rides. Im afraid just like the last time we got into it, he will start venting to his friends and they will try to convince me to forgive him and get me to talk to him again. (Mind you alot of his friends are my friends as well. Its basically a clic we have) and i honestly dont even want to deal with that. I dont want to deal with him silently staring at me everytime we see eachother in the hallway or when im walking too class. Idk what to do now. (So sorry it was long thanks for reading!)
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Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
Here is my JUly 18th answer. When you post a question theres a handful of us who are quick to answer the same day if not within 24 hrs so be sure to check back right away whenever answering.
You did word things a little different and added in things in the recent one so my answers are a little different too.
answered Friday July 18 2014, 6:45 am:
You will have to decide for yourself if it's acceptable for anyone to lie to you. If people should not lie to each other, then it's even more serious if the person lying to you is a friend, not a stranger.
I understand where you are at, being a forgiving person and probably loyal too, through thick and thin, same as me. That is what makes it hard to shut someone like this out of your life for a while or perhaps for good, really depends on them. WHat puts things into perspective for me is to put my own welfare first...no it's not being selfish to do so. In fact if looking at something Jesus said, "Love your neighbor as yourself" most of us focus first on the love your neighbor part. However, theres that little word AS. As you are already loving yourself. Basically, we're being told that we need to be able to love ourselves first before we'll even have a clue how to love our neighbor. If being loving to yourself is removing yourself from the drama and he always brings drama, then it would seem that the best thing for now is to not talk to him, other than to tell him why you are choosing not to talk to him. You can be honest and tell him that you are tired of the drama and it's bring unwanted stress into your life. Don't close the door on him forever but make some boundaries, or requirements rather that he needs to meet before you will resume your friendship with him, otherwise it will be on hold. Then spell out what you expect from him. I can't tell you what it is you should say. But perhaps he tells so many lies cus he thinks his own life is boring or he's not interesting, maybe low self image...you may have a better idea if this is the case. If he has broken his promises to never lie to you again, then tell him that he needs to work on himself before approaching you for friendship and that one thing he needs to work on is to learn to keep his word. His promises are empty words right now, and he has killed your trust in him so that he now would need to start all over building trust in you. You said he hasnt owned up to what he does. Call him on that. Until he is ready to own up to the fact that he is a habitual liar and ready to stop doing that, you are not interested in hearing from him. It may be more than a bad habit, in which case he may not be able to improve here without the help of a licensed counselor. He may have deeper emotional issues that are causing him to do this that he may not even be aware of. If it's appropriate for the situation, you'd know whether to suggest professional help.
Good luck dear.
I knew this sounded familiar so I checked. I answered your question of July 18th titled: Me and my friend had a falling out?
Perhaps you missed it. So to be shorter in words, basically there is no way to keep him as 'just a friend'. He can't make his feelings for you as more than a friend go away either. So the both of you are at an impasse. An impasse is when the two sides negotiating a situation are unable to reach an agreement and become deadlocked. So there is no reason to continue to torture yourselves. If you call an end to any kind of relationship even friends with him and he won't give up, then I could accuse him of being really dense in the head, something perhaps wrong with him emotionally too. If you continue to place yourself in this situation by keeping up communication with him which only gives him hope that time will change your mind, then I could accuse you of being a drama Queen who thrives on this sort of stuff and is actually drawn to it. But I know that can't possibly be the case, because you are writing here for advice for a solution. Solution is simple, cut it off with him. See the mutual friends you have, one at a time by inviting just the one at a time and let all of them know that you are cutting off all contact with him because it has given him false hope to do otherwise. YOur friends should understand hopefully that you can't see them as a group where he may be present. If they don't like that, then you must stop seeing the friends because you chance running into this guy and pretending to ignore him at the table as if he isn't there will just come across as childish to everyone present. So do yourself a favor and end all contact. There is no magic chant or magic wand that could make this end up any other way dear so don't fight the natural conclusion. It's part of life. SOme things don't always go the exact way we'd like and if we decide to try to force it to go our way, we only end up making ourselves agitated and miserable.
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Relationships are not defined by one person. He cannot force you to have feelings for him. But, you also cannot force him to treat you as just a friend. To him you are a little more special than just a friend. This is his problem to deal with, and he should not act as though it is your problem. He should not try to make you jealous by inventing girlfriends that do not exist, saying other people are better looking, etc. This is immature behaviour. But, it is also typical behaviour. Don't feel too awkward around him. He obviously doesn't take rejection well. But, he will eventually get the message.
The star of the Muppet Show,
Miss Piggy
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