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Confusing relationship situation
Hi! I'm female, senior in high school. Last year (junior year) I had this friend, and I started talking to this guy and dating him and then found out they had slept together. Not durin our relationship, like way before. Well she would always get really mad about us hanging out and she even had another boyfriend! The guy and I were sleeping with eAchother and had been for about two months. We could never let her find out because she would go insane. Eventually, she started hanging out with him again, and now he's totally ditched me for her! We still talk but not often, and he won't really hang out with me! I know we're just friends, and I even told him I wanted to hang out as friends and we still never have. See with their relationship he cheats on her, and she totally blows up on him about every little thing. Why is it he won't hang out with me, and what do I do to win his affection back over? I really do love this guy!
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Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
You want to win his affection back? Hon, you never had it, what you mistook for affection was only the attention guys pay a girl to get sex, their goal was taking take of their horniness by using a girl rather than masturbating. I am not against teens having sex, but more often than not at that age, males are driven more by lust than love. Teen dating should be the beginning of trying to figure out what it is you like in a guy and what behavior you don't like. Unfortunately for females, when getting close enough with a guy to have sex, her feelings and emotions get hooked and her heart feels something for him so it hurts when he doesnt treat her like she is the most special thing in the world to him. To some guys, a girl is a dime a dozen and they will never make any commitment, just going back and forth over and over to which ever girl will have him at the moment. If girls wised up and wouldn't stand for that kind of treatment, guys would learn real quickly what the standards girls have are and realize that they need to change their behavior to become the kind of male that girls will give their time of day to or be doomed to ever be a lonely single without love.
The best thing I can tell you is what the real purpose of dating is and then allow you to make your decisions as to what you'll do based on that.
At your point in age, the object is not to practice longevity of relationship, sticking together long term even if its not a perfect dating relationship. The object is not to prove to yourself or others that you can stick with someone long term...that comes in later years after you have a clue what kind of guy you want to end up life long with.
Dating is for determining if there is interest beyond basic attraction, discovering more about the other to determine if you like and can handle their personality traits, and whether there's enough in common, or evidence of destructive habits or tendencies in the other that would harm you emotionally and/or physically and kill the relationship. Depending on what you discover, you either continue dating the person and take it to the committed couple level or you break up.
Dating is more about learning what you do and don't like in a guys character and the same for him. Its a time of making comparisons. Seeing what is lacking in a current partner that you would like to have, or something that they do, or ways they treat you that are disrespectful or hurtful emotionally or physically as in being abusive or violent. When you come up against things like that, you need to decide if you will settle for less or move on to the next dating partner, hopefully always shooting for someone a step better in some area. Make a list of the qualities you like and remind yourself with another list of the qualities you dont like or must avoid because they are harmful to your well being. Review it and update it often through out the years.
If you break up, you look for the next dating partner, always trying to find someone a step better than the last partner, basing your choices for the new person on traits you discovered in the last person that you liked enough to look for in the next person, while at the same time avoiding the other things that you won't tolerate.
If all is going well and you develop some serious feelings for each other, you take the relationship from just dating to the committed couple level. At this level, depending on your age, you are dating each other exclusively or if adults, moving in together or getting married.
If you find you keep having the same issues, no matter which guy you date, either you never learned from the past relationship, or perhaps more of the issues are with you and you need to be honest with yourself as to what issues you need to work on within yourself before you can make a good dating partner. I can't begin to stress how helpful having a list of what I liked and wanted and needed in a guy was to me in finding my 2nd husband. It should work just as well at any age, including high school dating too.
Good luck dear.
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Your worth as a person is not tied to his attention. Winning his affection would not be a win for you. If he is not interested, that's his problem and has nothing to do with your worth. You've not "lost" to this other girl. She isn't better than you. You should not want this guy's affection anymore. What he is doing is completely ridiculous. After how she treated the two of you, he's hanging out with her? You don't want to be with a person who would do that. He clearly has not been honest with you about what he thinks of her. You don't love this guy. What you love are your memories of what you thought he was. His actions are not lovable. It can be difficult to get over feeling love for a person who is not deserving of your love anymore, but you cannot attribute the love that you feel to the person. You have to attribute it to your own mind. Your mind has developed feelings based upon experiences that you've had with him. The love you feel for him comes from your own mind, not from some magical force within him. Therefore, love is not an excuse to stay with a guy that would be so dishonest with you and would treat you this way. It's not worth the trouble and the pain to try to get him to pay attention to you. He's lost interest and that's his loss, really. Move on with your life now and it will be much easier. You're young. Don't waste another minute considering how to get a guy back who is way beneath you. It will be time lost. You'll find someone new that will not do this crap to you and you won't remember how you could have ever been happy with this loser. Good luck.
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