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Why would you call an ex after several years?
6 years ago I was in a relationship with a girl(I was 16-17 and she was 15-16). We had our ups and downs, but our relationship was what I would call emotionally intense and turbulent at times. I have never loved someone, and am extremely certain will never love someone the way I loved her. Its to the point where I
She moved away, and long distance didn't work out, so we took a "break". Since then we have occasionally talked, but its very hard to not get extremely jealous when she subtly brings up boyfriends or whatever, so we usually stop talking after drama builds up between us.
She called me yesterday after not speaking for 3 years. She is 20 now and goes to Harvard University, and has an overall great and successful life. I however, am 22 and go to community college. Needless to say our lives took us down different paths. But even after all this time, and having multiple girlfriends since, I still have intense feelings for her, despite me trying to forget and move on from her, sometimes in destructive ways. Its been 6 years since we were together and still somehow nothing has changed. I could be 43 and married with kids and she would still be there in the back of my mind.
My question, especially to the girls out there, is why would you call an ex boyfriend after so many years? We talked awkwardly for a bit and caught up and she said that she wanted to mail me a book she got signed for me 4 years ago since she was cleaning out her apartment. Is it really that simple? She has never been open about her feelings, and takes every chance she can get to misdirect you from her true intentions. And yet still every few years she calls me. What are all the different reasons a girl would do that?
I have always felt that I loved her more than she could ever loved me, so I know I am prone to be overly hopeful. But maybe I'm completely wrong and she has loved me all along, and has had just as much difficulty over the years letting go of me. Or maybe she really is just sending me a book and I'm reading into it too much, pun intended.
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Hey!
I was kind of in that same boat like you too. I was sorta seeing someone, and although we weren't official, we were "seeing each other" and it lasted for about a year. We had our ups and downs like any other relationship as well has hurdles that were probably part of the reason why we never were official, but nevertheless the feelings and emotions that you had when you were with someone moulds you into the person you are today. Granted I always felt like I loved him more then he loved me, so when we finally reached our end point where we realized it wasn't going to work, we ended whatever was going on with each other and decided to be friends. Of course I was really furious, and hurt so eventually we just stopped talking to each other completely. Although I tried to move on and met really other great guys, I knew deep down that he was always in the back of my mind..maybe it was because we ended it pretty badly or the fact that I never got closure.. But whatever it was I knew that I still had feelings buried beneath my heart. One day after a year and a half later of not talking to each other I was feeling hopeful after he had said happy birthday to me on Facebook and called me by my nickname that he used to call me. I know it sounds ridiculous but that gave me hope and so I contacted him after all that time because I missed him. Point of the story is, at least from my perspective, is that when you haven't talked to someone for a very long time, you tend to wonder how they're doing, what they're up to and if anything is new about them since then. You definitely think a lot especially if you ended things badly or if things prevented you from being together. When you remove someone that once played an important role in your life, you will definitely miss them. Now everyone is different, your story, her story and my story are all different. Whatever her intentions are with the whole book situation and her feelings, I'm not too sure about that. You'll have to take that up with dragonflymagic's advice and ask her yourself. But my guess is that she probably still misses you, whether as a friend or lover. And she probably still wants you in her life judging by how she keeps calling every few years. That is just my hunch, and I could be wrong. The only way to clear this up is to talk to her about it and get a difinitive answer.
Although my advice and opinion were not as in depth and as great as dragonflymagic, I still wanted to share my thoughts and experience since it was sort of almost like your situation.
Hope that helps
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I can only go based on what you shared. So I don't know what exactly was going on in the past for the relationship to not be 100% ideal, but a good chance is that much of your troubles was due to your age. No matter how mature you both thought you were, both of you were attempting to have a successful relationship at an age when your brain wasn't completely done growing and maturing. The prefrontal lobe isnt done growing until mid twenties so more like 25, 26 at which point people will have grown in character, changed some or changed alot and make much more mature decisions.
Just because the feelings you have are still there does not mean it could be an ideal relationship at this point in time. So don't get your hopes up because she contacted you.
Every female is unique, My reasons for keeping in touch with an ex boyfriend may be very different from hers. So guessing on my part or yours is going to be useless.
This line here stands out to me: I have always felt that I loved her more than she could ever loved me.
I don't know if either of you ever brought up this possibility in a question to each other,
but is it possible that she truly loves you as a friend but the chemistry for a romantic love as well, is missing on her part. You feel it but she doesnt.
If this is the case, then this explains her behavior pretty clearly to me.
She could have been so afraid of losing you as her best friend, and realizing she didn't feel the romantic chemistry toward you as you did toward her, was afraid to make that part clear, thinking that as soon as she made her feelings or lack of same feelings clear, that you might cut her out of your life. This is a big dilemna for singles. Or she may have not been clear about how she felt because she was afraid of hurting your feelings. And no one wants to hurt the feelings of a best friend.
Then again, as you hopefully suppose, perhaps she has loved you all along and just had trouble expressing it. Maybe sending the book is an innocent thing that came up or she was looking for a reason to contact you and keep in touch.
The only way to clarify this is by calling her back and of course put it in your own words but say something like, "Your call yesterday after so many years really surprised me. I have been wondering since the call, whether way back when we dated, if you saw me as only your best friend, or if you saw me as a best friend and was also romantically attracted but uncomfortable sharing that. I am asking this now because we both are older, more mature and self confident. So did you ever have those kinds of love feelings back then and if so, do you still feel them? She shouldn't feel any pressure answering that. But if she hesitates and you are willing to be just a close friend to her but continue on looking for a mate, then let her know you are willing to be just a close non romantic friend if she still wants that.
You see, people have not just the sexual needs but the emotional needs to be met. Some people dont find both in the same person. She may just need you as the emotional support friend just as she would as close girl friend. I can think of several people right now, that I know, where both sexes need the emotional support from someone of the opposite sex and the ages vary from young to those my age range ---in the fifties.
Since the real reason the two of you didn't stay together was the distance, the only way to even consider pursuing a relationship with her at this point if she felt the same as you do, would be if the two of you lived close enough to each other to do so. Otherwise it would be unfair to each other to try to pick up the relationship if there is no time for each other cus relationships need the time together put in or it won't work.
Most women don't purposely misdirect a guy from how they truly feel. Women are for the most part, all emotionally based. Perhaps she grew up in a family that was not into showing and confessing their love. No hugs, no kisses either. I've known a couple. It's possible.
So my advice would be to call and bring up the subject. She is older now and likely more sure of herself but still feeling awkward as to how to bring up the subject.
You said she means so much to you that in years to come, even married with kids, you'd always be wondering.
I have read enough stories and seen enough movies where the two never confirmed their feelings, married others and in their older years as divorced or widowed folk, come across each other and find they still both felt strong love for each other and regret all those years they could have spent to together is now lost.
So don't continue with your life until you get an answer to that question in your mind,and know whether or not there is a great love for you in her heart as more than just as friend. Marriages are better if the mate is your best friend first.
Otherwise you will be always wondering and your heart never able to settle and heal.
One last thing, people do have their own love language. There was a famous book written by a Gary Chapman, although a Christian author, what he writes about applies to every living human on the planet, it has nothing to do with Christianity. You can find alot on the web about the different ways people recognize that a person loves them, that we tend to show our love to others in the same way we like to be shown love, but how they need to be shown is not the same love language you are speaking.
So for example, if giving gifts is her love language with a close second of 'quality time together' but your way of wanting to have love confirmed is 'words of affirmation' (including being told what she appreciates about you and she loves you) and physical touch, such as hugs, snuggling, kisses, shoulder rubs, playing with her hair, you will give those love hints to her but she may not pick up on it because what she is looking for is gifts given by you as a sign of your love, along with spending the day at the beach (quality time) So often that can be the problem with a couple not recognizing the love of both for each other. The trick is to show love in the way they need to see it, not the way you need to receive it. Here's one link to the love languages and you should be able to find more including tests you can take online to determine what your love language is.
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
Good luck!
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