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Being cheated on before and during pregnancy.
If you have a best friend who you can be sure you love, and is really a good person to you, and have been in a relationship with over a year, and then gets you pregnant but cheated before and during your first pregnancy, Do you think its worth and possible for that person to change and continue to try to work the relationship out as long as the male wants to?
I have been so confused, I feel like I am the only one going through this. My partner has always, always, been there for me. Always had respect for me and for my family. I always made him feel like he was the best person for me and our relationship was powerful and very bright. I gave him all the trust and benifit of the doubt a person deserves. But he abused it 100% because he was seeing someone else before I got pregnant and I found out during my pregnancy. He made everything fall apart. We were In the process of moving into a home together to make things easier when the baby gets here. He helps me financially but I have a strong grudge against him because he was with someone else who even lived close to me which I never heard about in my life. Social media is used so much now. He had many accounts to communicate with this other girl and would uninstall them from his phone every time we saw each other so he wouldn't recieve any notifications from her. And the girl was in my opinion very very naive for so long because he would only see her during the week after work (telling me he got home and slept because he was tired or went to the gym) and would only see her for maximum 3 hours. Never on weekends because he lied to her saying he worked ALL DAY, (I lived with him on weekends) so I would wake up and sleep next to him and spend all day with him. This other girl was someone on the side but he made her think he really cared about her just for the sex. But I don't know if he really did care for her and did not want to leave her. If that is so, does that mean he didn't love me?
Many things went down hill. He says he has lost all communication with her and has not tried to contact her at all. But he lied to me so much its honestly unbelievable now. He wants me and wants to have our baby together and live together and act as if none of this happened. I feel like it is selfish of him but I feel so confused and lost because I love this person but what he did was cruel. He didnt feel the need to stop, not even when we found out I was pregnant. I am due next month and I need advice but I can't ask any of my friends cause they take my side because they feel bad for me and my family also. His family might take his side so I can't ask them so much either. I think about this every night. I was my best for this person, changed a lot of my bad habits and I felt like I showed him how good life can be when your partner is your best friend. And I received it also, until I found out. The other girl told me she had no idea who I was until he started to act too suspicious. But I don't think I should believe her because she would go to his house, and when I told her to prove to me and tell me the address, she said she didn't remember the streets but that it was far. She also never had his real cell phone numbers. He ways used an app to text her, or would use snapchat, kik, or instagram. I had none of those besides a Facebook, so he blocked her from it. And I had no idea because I never felt the need to go through his things that deep.
We are all teenagers. Please don't think of me as just a little girl who needs to get over this. It feels horrible when people say that because I have been in many relationships and it doesn't mean I have slept with all those men. But I did comunicate a lot and really met people to see who would and would not be my type. Who its safe and unsafe to be around. Who is worth making an effort and who is not.. Etc. But I am not perfect. This is just very hard because a child is involved and someone I have yo spend the rest of my life knowing.
I am 19. He is 20. I hope I can revieve any type of advice. Please and thank you.
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Hi. There a a lot of really fundamental issues of trust and confidence here. From many of your comments I would say you are a strongly 'investment-reward' driven person and having invested a good deal in the relationship, your return has been poor. This knock alone will take some getting used to. I believe your only real hope is to attend counselling together (must be together), talking in the presence of a third party (the counsellor) who will act as mediator. And you must both be prepared to take on board and implement the guidance given. In effect, you cannot change what has happened...you really have to try to reach a point where you can say to him "I know you continued a secret relationship with another girl before and during my pregnancy...and I accept it". Not forgive necessarily, but accept. This is a very big ask, and getting to that point without sacrificing all your own self-esteem in the process is harder still. Which is why I think you should attend counselling together. Do not assume that the physical presence of the baby (when it is born) will miraculously make everything OK. Initially it will very likely seem to, but in the longer term it will have no power to change him, or resolve your strong feelings of dissapointment, resentment and betrayal (that learning of his act 'ruined everything'). We all have an overwhelming tendency to 'revert to type' after disturbances, it is usually only a question of how long before the previous character starts to re-emerge. It is going to come down to how much you both want the relationship. And keep in mind that at 19 your are far from likely to be condemning the child to a life with no father-figure. Many splendid men meet and marry a young single mum and turn out to be great partners and fathers, particulalry if the child is still very young. Your current partner is not your only life-option, remember that. Best wishes and I wish the greatest success with everything. X
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It's very important to make sure that you put his name on the birth certificate. If the relationship doesn't work out, this establishes him as the father and it's much, much easier to get things like child support later on.
He needs to understand that he has hurt you very deeply. By wanting to act as if nothing happened, he is showing that he does not or has not come to terms with this. That's not to say that it's necessarily selfish. You have a child to think about now, not just yourself. It would be best for the child to have 2 parents who were together and not focused on or consumed by their own problems. You need to muster all of your strength to try to sort this out for the sake of your child.
Ignoring what happened and going on with your lives is not an option. He cannot be given a free pass on this. Doing so would be a way of accepting/allowing what he did and giving him no reason not to do it again. He needs to know that what he did was completely unacceptable, deplorable, and unforgivable. He needs to know that if he does it again, that's it. The two of you need to seek help immediately in the form of a relationship counselor. In order to provide a good home for your child, you will need to forgive him (even though his actions are "unforgivable"). You're not ready for forgiveness and don't have the tools that you need to even begin thinking about something like that. This is why it is crucial for you to seek help over this today. Once the baby arrives, it will be difficult to find the time or energy to deal with this problem and it cannot go un-dealt with. Good luck.
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This is really one of those questions that is tough to answer. The reason being we are getting a one sided snapshot view of the problem and in this case being pregnant about to deliver ads another dimension to the problem.
The maternal instinct is forcing you to mature in a lot of ways you would not ordinarily be at given you present age. You have been forced to mature faster than you would have had you not become pregnant. You are carrying the baby he is not. It is quite possible when the baby arrives and he hold his child in his arms the maturity that you have been forced to rise to will take hole in him, especially if it is a girl. Daughters need a special kind of protection that only their dad can provide.
Right now he is not tied to you in anyway. Yes he made you pregnant. Yes he says he wants to be there for the baby. He knows he has an obligation to the child and he is to appoint doing what he is able out of obligation or to placate you; I can't say. If he is trying to placate you he is doing so to dodge the legal papers you can serve on him from the courts which will order him to pay his fair share. This could cut into his ability to have a good time. What you are calling cheating. Not being married he probably does not see it as cheating.
People can and do change but they have to want to change. You can not expect someone to change as you want them if you are forcing them too. What you really need to do is to protect you and the baby for the next 18 years for which he as the father is legally responsible to do.
Those responsibilities include, proper child support, health insurance for the child and a life insurance policy on his life to insure the child support is there in the event of his untimely death. How you go about seeing he provides these things is to see a Lawyer now before the baby is born so the legal paperwork is completed and ready to submit to the court for approval when the baby is born.
Doing this will also probably point to the answer you're looking for once he is served with the child support papers. Once the papers are filed , approved by the court and he is served. The court at any time can garnish his wages to insure you receive the child support approved by the court. This will happen only if he refuses to do so voluntarily.
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